Wife wants step children back.

[stephen8]

My step children 7 , 8 and 10 (wife's daughters) have lived with me full time now for 2 years 7 months, in this time their biological dad has seen them once and mum has seen them around 15 times.

Neither one of them have paid towards the children or bought them anything in this time, I have fully provided for them. Yesterday evening, I received this email from my wife.

Dear stephen.

Hi.

I am letting you know that I have recently rented a house in x area and will shortly be moving into it. I will be coming to collect the girls on Tuesday the 12th novemeber.

I think it's best you step back and don't have contact with them. They will need time to adjust and settle in, and contact with you will confuse them and make them unsettled.

Please can you make sure the girls' things are all packed up and ready for the 12th.

Thank you.

I am devastated, these girls are my daughters, I've been in their life for 6 years and for the last two and a half years I've brought them up myself, they call me dad I'm the only parent they really know. I've not spoke to the girls about this yet but they will absolutely not be wanting to go and stay with their mum, infact they don't even want to see her, she's let them down too many times now and the trust is gone.
Has anyone been through this before? Do I have a leg to stand on? I'm assuming I have no choice but to hand the kids over on the 12th? She has financially ruined me with her gambling addiction, I don't think I can afford a lawyer, I'm aware I'm not biologically their dad but I'm the only dad they know, it would destroy them to be taken from me.

A lot of folk with far too much faith in SS on here.

The tutor should at least have safeguarding policies and be aware of who the children's legal parents are. She might be a great tutor, but it seems like she's very unquestioning about who she takes on. If she has multiple children in her own home full time, surely it's an unregulated private school and not a case of home education with some tutoring??

Appointment with lawyer sorted. I will be contacting my wife's sister, tutor, neighbours, my family, etc, and getting as many people as possible to write a statement about my parenting of the girls. I will contact ss after speaking with the lawyer. Also gathering evidence of all the abusive emails and text messages she's sent me and proof of all the money she's gambled etc

You’d be surprised. It’s uncomfortable but the bar isnt very high as to what constitutes an acceptable parent.

When we went for our SGO we were horribly surprised.

Maybe, but if SF has always dropped off and picked up and the girls haven't said anything about Mum (as they don't seem to want much to do with her and haven't seen her for a long time) how would she know?

This is such a lovely thing to hear. Especially when I've read multiple MN threads about grandparents treating blood and step GC differently when those DC are all in the same blended family. Keep doing what you're doing for the good of your (step) DC.

OP I think some people are seriously missing the point. You were in a relationship with their mum from them being tiny, you assumed the Dad role, their mum left and you continued your life with them on the course that had been set (including home schooling). An oversight in hindsight not to sort the legalities, but essentially you / they view you as their Dad and they have a stable and loving home with you. You’ve done nothing wrong here and I’m not sure why people are having a dig. Hoping you get sound legal advice and can sort this so you can continue your lives together.

I find it very odd that you have no official responsibility for the girls and didn't see fit to seek this out

@pinkpjamas1 because she should have asked for some paperwork? That's what policies are for.

Good luck OP. I think it's positive that you have a number of third parties to verify how you're doing as a parent.

Also, the girls sound like they don't want this to change.

This is your best plan.

I wish the children and you the best result.

https://kinship.org.uk/support-and-advice/advice-and-information/how-do-i-obtain-parental-responsibility-for-the-child-i-am-caring-for/

have a look at this website. Social services are supposed to be informed if you’re looking after children that you don’t have PR for. I think it’s once they are with you for more than a month.

Especially if the kids call him dad. My husband (who is the kids dad emotionally, biologically and legally) has taken the kids to all sorts of activities and never once has anyone checked their birth certificates or their DNA. They just handed them over to the man they call “daddy”.

Health services and school should have been telling you you need a guardianship order. The school shouldn’t have let you deregister as you don’t have parental rights. If I read that you homeschool correctly. You need to contact social services immediately and tell them the situation. They will speak to the previous school and the children. If she is an unfit parent other family members may have stepped in. But social services need to decide. It’s a really hard situation for you to be in but you should have seemed guardianship.

SS need to be involved immediately.

Obviously you are going to paint yourself great and say they love you etc... (not saying you are lying) but you MUST she how incredibly dodgy it is that you took 3 off grid children you have no guardianship over and have hid them from services designed to protect children for years in absence of the parents when the mother sounds like she is suffering MH issues.

That is factually unfortunately a very common tactic of abusers to the point your story is a MASSIVE red flag.

Why on earth didn't you report it and get you wife help? (even if she refused you would have tried and there would be record)

An independent non bias person needs to get to the bottom of whats best for the kids.

Paperwork for dropping off etc would just been 'Individuals permitted to pick up child' Mum, Stepfather, Grandma, Auntie Fanny, wouldn't it?

I wish you the best op, having had experience with family court I think you've got your work cut out to keep the girls, unfortunately she's well within her rights to take the girls whenever she wants.

@Mumofteenandtween this isn't an activity though, this is full-time tutor who is essentially running a small unregulated private school, and so should be aware, like teachers in state and regulated private schools, of safeguarding and the legal status of the children in her care.

'The school'.

OP has said approximately 12 times that the children have always been homeschooled.

Threads like this me worry so much! The OP was a woman responses would be so different, surely the gender of the parent in this situation should not cloud people’s judgement to this extent.

i am a qualified social worker and situations like this are more common than we may like to think (think grandchild living with grandparent full time).

OP well done for stepping up and doing more than what many would be able to. You need contact social services and access a lawyer asap, it’s important to highlight the concerns re the children living with their mum and evidence that you are consider a safety factor for them. They can assist with a special guardianship Ore or you may have to do it private One way is to apply to the court for a Child Arrangements Order that allows the child to live with the step-parent either on their own or with another person, although these are not common. The court can also issue a Parental Responsibility Order as a result of an application by the step-parent.

Good luck op.
Ignore the nasty pp’s on here.

You need to make an urgent application to the court for an Interim Child Arrangements Order, and a Prohibited Steps Order to stop her removing them from your care whilst assessments are undertaken. You will need permission from the court to apply as you do not have PR. Cafcass will then be directed to complete a S7 report.
There are no welfare concerns for SS to consider, and step-parents are considered close relatives, it will be seen as a family arrangement with no role for a social worker, its not private fostering either.
Ther is no obligation on OP to tell SS - 'If the local council didn’t ask you to look after the child you don’t have to tell them the child has come to stay with you.'

Looking after someone else's child - GOV.UK

If the tutor is providing a full-time education to your 3 DSDs and 3 other (presumably CSA?) children how are they getting around the unregistered school rules?

This is what people aren't understanding. In large scale child abuse DC are often 'tutored' in these situations be someone involved in the abuse. People prey on vulnerable women for access to their DC. I'm not saying OP, that this is what has happened here. But noone on here can be sure that it isn't either.