Wife wants step children back.

[stephen8]

My step children 7 , 8 and 10 (wife's daughters) have lived with me full time now for 2 years 7 months, in this time their biological dad has seen them once and mum has seen them around 15 times.

Neither one of them have paid towards the children or bought them anything in this time, I have fully provided for them. Yesterday evening, I received this email from my wife.

Dear stephen.

Hi.

I am letting you know that I have recently rented a house in x area and will shortly be moving into it. I will be coming to collect the girls on Tuesday the 12th novemeber.

I think it's best you step back and don't have contact with them. They will need time to adjust and settle in, and contact with you will confuse them and make them unsettled.

Please can you make sure the girls' things are all packed up and ready for the 12th.

Thank you.

I am devastated, these girls are my daughters, I've been in their life for 6 years and for the last two and a half years I've brought them up myself, they call me dad I'm the only parent they really know. I've not spoke to the girls about this yet but they will absolutely not be wanting to go and stay with their mum, infact they don't even want to see her, she's let them down too many times now and the trust is gone.
Has anyone been through this before? Do I have a leg to stand on? I'm assuming I have no choice but to hand the kids over on the 12th? She has financially ruined me with her gambling addiction, I don't think I can afford a lawyer, I'm aware I'm not biologically their dad but I'm the only dad they know, it would destroy them to be taken from me.

My DD hasn’t been seen my a doctor or dentist for at least 6 years.

The doctors is because she’s very fortunate and doesn’t get poorly often and then dentist is because we simply can’t get one (moved home, then no appointments during covid and then the dentist closed down).

It’s very easy to not see a doctor or dentist, they don’t check up on patients.

I don’t know much about home schooling but I’ve heard it’s very easy for kids to stay under the radar.

All of it is so weird, two parents to separately abandon their children is unusual.
The tutor or school situation is unusual verging on illegal.

The 3 kids have the same parents so they must have been together a while.
Mum meets a new guy when LO is 1. (3 kids inc a baby and she has time for a new romance).
Yet in less than 3 years they are married, she develops a man and gambling problem and walks out.

No benefits are claimed for these kids and kind grandparents are also prepared to spend a fortune on an education (of who knows what quality) for these 3 kids who aren't their GC.
When a rounded education could be acquired for free.

Sorry it all sounds a bit odd.

"An independent school is defined as any school at which full-time education is provided for five or more pupils of compulsory school age, or for one or more such pupils with an EHC plan or a statement of special educational needs or who is “looked after” by a local authority, and is not a school maintained by a local authority or a non-maintained special school."

They consider a setting who were open for 18 hours a week to pupils to be classed as full time.

From Independent school registration guide for proprietors.

If there are 6 children there for 20 hours a week, the tutor is running an illegal school and can be prosecuted.

So succinct. Exactly what I was thinking.

so odd for a mother to want 3 children (clearly likes being a mum) and then abandons. Would make more sense if she abandoned only 1 child (who she felt was a mistake to have)

Good for you. The comments here have been absolutely disgusting and you are right when you say if it were a woman she would have been praised for how well she held down the fort.

@Gonegirl7 yes that's another point. The more I think about it the less it adds up.

If it's true the oldest child at least must have attachment and trauma issues. Abandoned by Dad at 2/3?
Stepdad at appeared at 4?
Mum Abandoned at 7?

What about both sets of DGPs were they both happy never to see the kids?
In fact all the kids must have some level of trauma.

If it was a woman who was looking after her ex husbands kids I'd be asking the same questions.
Why pay for the questionable tutor?
Why aren't the DGPs involved?
Why aren't SW involved?

Wow. What a tough situation!

I guess it's something that every decent stepdad considers occasionally - what would happen to the stepkids - and what would I do? - if my wife passed away or left. Very few of us ever actually have to do it.

It sounds like you are doing a great job, hope everything goes well today and over the next few weeks. I'm sure it will be a bumpy ride and there'll be lots of uncertainty but hopefully it works out the right way for you and the girls.

Everyone saying the OP should have contacted SS right away, just a couple of things:

I had basically never heard of SS until a few years ago. I had no knowledge of the system whatsoever. I only came to know about it through helping my partner (before we were married) with court applications etc. for her to get the CAO for my step-daughter. And that's with me living in London where there's probably active SS involvement and child/family issues all around me. In fact I pretty much walk past the family court every day! (which I didn't even know was there...) It's far from a given that a stepdad would know much about SS.

Secondly - I imagine in this situation back at the start, he was just trying to do what needed to be done. The days would have passed, he was probably hoping she'd come back, and didn't expect it would take so long. Then before he knew it, weeks and months had passed. By then it probably felt normal. I'm not sure anyone would then wake up one day and go "oh, I need to contact SS".

Finally - let's say he did wake up one day and go "oh, I need to contact SS". Do you know what the best move would be then if he believed the right thing to do for the girls was keep them with him? It would be TO NOT CONTACT SS. The best thing he has in this situation is the fact that he's been caring for them for a long time, they are happy, and it would be disruptive to move them. If he had contacted SS after only a few weeks, that would not be the case and he'd have a far higher chance of losing them.

You had never heard of social services? Absolute bollocks. And if true, you're hardly someone who ought to be dishing out advice.
Let's absolutely not encourage step dads to go off radar so step kids can't be taken off them. Please think about what you say.

I'm sorry people have been focusing on the wrong things and berating you. I hope it goes well in court today.

Good luck today.

Why would I, as a childless single man, have heard of SS or understand their involvement in caring for children? Because that's what I was before getting into the relationship with my now wife.

(In fairness, I'd seen a few headlines on the news about babies dying, but at no point did I think that had any relevance to me, or that it applied in anything that I'd consider "normal" life.)

And "hardly someone who ought to be dishing out advice". Mmmm ok. Actually, as a step-dad, who now knows plenty about the law, family court, CAFCASS and SS, yeah actually I think I'm probably in a pretty good position.

I'm certainly not encouraging step dads to "go off radar so step kids can't be taken off them". However, I absolutely think there are times when if something happens to one parent, the step-parent is the better choice to continue care than returning to the other biological parent. I certainly think that would be true in my case. In reality we have very few options in the legal/care system to ensure that, and I suspect a good number of children lose out as a result.

How would you not have heard of social services? Have you been living under a rock?

Omg this is awful. I am in tears. That email shows she hasn't changed at all. Packed and ready to go? From their home and the only real parent they know?

Family lawyer immediately OP. Fuck genetics, fuck the idiotic responses here, fuck the statistics about the likelihood of the courts favouring you - you're all they've got now FIGHT FOR THEM.

Trollhunting isn't allowed. If you have concerns report the thread and MNHQ can take steps behind the scenes to establish the OP's bona fides. Keep trollhunting posts off the threads

Why are you in tears??

This is why so many children are in undesirable situations. Because naive women are too busy hero worshipping men to spot red flags.

I hope everything goes well for you today. Sounds like you have a lot of people in your corner so best of luck to you and your girls.

😆

Please don't be in tears. Anyone can write anything on here.

We aren't allowed to troll hunt but this thread will have been undoubtedly reported.

A lot of naive posters too.

Good luck today

A reminder that if you've got any concerns to hit the report button so we can look through things properly. We'll delete any posts that look like troll hunting. Thank you.

Read his first post again where he quoted the text message.