Wife wants step children back.

[stephen8]

My step children 7 , 8 and 10 (wife's daughters) have lived with me full time now for 2 years 7 months, in this time their biological dad has seen them once and mum has seen them around 15 times.

Neither one of them have paid towards the children or bought them anything in this time, I have fully provided for them. Yesterday evening, I received this email from my wife.

Dear stephen.

Hi.

I am letting you know that I have recently rented a house in x area and will shortly be moving into it. I will be coming to collect the girls on Tuesday the 12th novemeber.

I think it's best you step back and don't have contact with them. They will need time to adjust and settle in, and contact with you will confuse them and make them unsettled.

Please can you make sure the girls' things are all packed up and ready for the 12th.

Thank you.

I am devastated, these girls are my daughters, I've been in their life for 6 years and for the last two and a half years I've brought them up myself, they call me dad I'm the only parent they really know. I've not spoke to the girls about this yet but they will absolutely not be wanting to go and stay with their mum, infact they don't even want to see her, she's let them down too many times now and the trust is gone.
Has anyone been through this before? Do I have a leg to stand on? I'm assuming I have no choice but to hand the kids over on the 12th? She has financially ruined me with her gambling addiction, I don't think I can afford a lawyer, I'm aware I'm not biologically their dad but I'm the only dad they know, it would destroy them to be taken from me.

Surely as a SW you should question all of it, including how much time these children are spending in the home of a 'tutor'.
I question putting my trust into childminders who are registered and inspected.
Who are tutors registered with, are they subject to inspection?

Why did the Op not tell the SW department in the first place?

I'm sure the mums version of events will be very different.

Please do speak to the girls and explain the situation before social services pitch up at their tutors.

Good luck with everything I hope you keep guardianship of the girls.

Home schooling is not 'off the grid'. Children are deregistered from school and the family send a report at least once a year to confirm what they have been doing to the LA.
1.2.1 tutoring is excellent because you have evidence of consistency and this can support your situation.
Yes I know of three families where only step mum or dad is in the picture and one family had bio dad in prison.
You can do this!!

A tutor taking multiple kids 5 days a week for 6 hours a day is more like an unregistered school than a tutor.

Who is monitoring this tutor?
How do we know that tutor is actually qualified to teach multiple kids at multiple stages.

Something doesn't add up.

Hope the solicitor can help

It worries me that you are a qualified social worker and assume there is definitely not a single red flag. It’s got nothing to do with the gender of the parent, people are not that stupid. No wonder people on here say not to expect too much from ss.

I knew someone a few years ago who was brought up by her stepdad, her mother was a waste of space with all 3 girls, loved them as small children then as they got older and started their own personality lost interest eventually throwing them out as problem teenagers (( they weren't they were reacting to the abuse at home ))

Their stepdad (( well ex stepdad )) was always there. Opening up his home and going to school meetings and meetings with their care homes. The mother just didn't care.....she's now back in contact with two of the girls and languishing attention on her young grandkids......call me sceptical but I've a feeling the cycle hasn't ended. 🤨

please seek legal advice,including whether or not ss become involved.

Is this right...your parents pay £300 per day, per child, for the kids schooling?

£900 a day
190 days a school year at a cost of £171k ?!

Or have i misunderstood somewhere ? 😅

He didn't say it was 50 an hour . I think someone else did.

@stephen8 Please see this important comment if you have not yet had your appointment with the lawyer. Good luck.

Best of luck Op. Sorry for all the crap on here.

Ok that’s good. And that you are on the case with the solicitor too.

you were very kind to take them in but as others I am flummoxed that you have not previously tried to get PR. Did you not think there was any chance at all of the mum or dad turning up?

I really hope this can be worked out, ideally they stay with you.

This really, I wish you the best of luck 💐

I really hope you get it all sorted and stay together as a family.

I didn’t read the whole thread. If the children are of school age they should be offered health services and their record can state home educated. Therefore over the years health services will be involved. Health visitors, immunisations, gp etc. This isn’t op’s fault but why wasn’t it questioned. I’m not against home education I have my own experiences. But there needs to be a guardianship in place to protect the children. To stop an unfit parent demanding them back social services should have been involved.

The only thing you can do is consult a lawyer. Mumsnet is not going to be able to help with this.

I agree contact social services as a matter of urgency.

Just read your update. I’m so glad everyone is moving quickly in this. Ignore the weird responses and please let us know how it goes tomorrow.

Have spoken with a lawyer and will be going to court tomorrow. SS have came to the house to speak with me and look around the house, they have also gone to the tutors home and individually spoken to the girls. The social worker was lovely. For the moment the girls can stay with me. I've had a drunk abusive phone call from wife (very surprising as not spoken to her in 7 months and she never replies to messages about the girls) basically just screaming and slurring drunk about how they are her girls and she doesn't need to fight for them because she's the mum and I'm nothing apparently.

It's sad to see so many double standards, people saying I should have got my wife help, acusing me of basically kidnapping the girls , trying to say I'm a pedo etc etc. My wife has put me through hell, she's been abusive towards me, stole from me, sold the girls presents, gambled all the money and then left me to raise the children alone. I'm a great dad and I will fight for my daughters and continue to raise them as I have done for the last 6 years, nobody who has ever came in to contact with me and my girls have got a single bad word to say about me or my parenting, the same can't be said for my wife. I've had to have a chat with the girls and they are all upset, we've had a lot of tears as none of them want to be anywhere near their mum, the youngest is especially terrified of her. Also will not be answering any more questions about my children's education as I've answered this already about 20 times, my kids education is all above board and legal, my kids are also part of a wider group of home schooled children, we all meet and hold things such as pantos so my kids aren't missing out In any way shape or form, my middle daughter has even been given a lead role, oldest is a mushroom and youngest is a table ( yes a table we've had many tears over this but I've convinced her that a table is a very important part and that she will be the best table there ever was)

It's hurtful that so many people want to try and make out that I'm just a random man to these girls, I was there for my youngest daughters first words and steps, taught all 3 of my daughters to swim and ride a bike, tuck them in at night and read bedtime stories, embarrassed myself trick or treating dressed as elsa because it was what my girls wanted, work my ass off to provide a house for them, and eveything they need, I put a brave face on everyday and just get on with it because my children have already had two parents walk out on them and I'll be dammed if they are going to loose anyone else, I will fight this I will never give up on my daughters, dad is the proudest title I've ever had and I'm honoured to have it.

Also for the people saying mums version of events will be different need to realise that females can also be abusers and they can be dead beat mums, my wife emotionally and mentally abused me, she got addicted to gambling and started hanging around with the wrong sort of people, some of you women refuse to belive that females can be abusive shitty mothers and just automatically take the mothers side because you hate men so much, well guess what she's an abuser, a gambling addict, a cheat, a drunk and a shitty mum, she doesn't even deserve to be called a mother.

Thank you to all the people who have been helpful. Have promised the girls pizza for tea and we are going to watch frozen for the hundredth time.

Dear lord why have you let this situation roll on for so long without making arrangements legally, with ss or the LA?

Glad to see you are getting proper advice but I'm worried for the girls it's too late

So you've got a solicitor, ss home visits and a court appointment all within a few hours now?

Safeguarding concerns are not accusations OP.
The fact that you think so little of their mother is even more reason that you should have sought advice years ago.
The fact that none of the other adults in their lives have ever raised this with you or ss is also concerning, I would wonder in which other ways their policies are lacking.

solicitors are at teh end of phone and used to dealin with emergency family situations. Entirly possible duty social worker visited today, and by going o court he probably means application will be issued tomorrow not that he will be attending.

Get legal advice asap,horrid for you and the children.

The UK's homeschooling system is appalling, and an easy way for abusive parents to game the system. My stepdaughter was taken our of school with her half-siblings, and 'homeschooled'. In reality, their mum had taken them out of the country to live off grid with a violent stepfather, literally in a cabin in the woods, like a cult with stepdad the messiah. Stepdaughter spent two years on an iPad, watching youtube videos unsupervised, being phsyically disciplined for 'misbehaving' (i.e. wanting any attention whatsoever). When we were finally able to get her out of that mess she was ridden with flea bites, dental problems and unable to read or write anything at all at age 8. The local authority did not check anything, literally mum just had to keep saying 'I'm homeschooling' — not joined up in any way with social services who refused to get involved as child was out of the country and so not in their jurisdiction. Yes my DH could have reported abduction but didn't want to make a volatile situation worse, and we knew (becase stepfather has abducted his children from another marriage) that you can just drag out the legal processes. IMO homeschooling should be subject to same checks and balances that actual schools are. At least a termly inspection to confirm whereabouts and wellbeing of children.