AIBU to ask how to handle this teacher?

[NimVlo]

DC is a very sensitive and natural born worrier, switches off when under a lot of pressure and is very hesitant to try to master new skills and needs an incredibly gentle approach.

New teacher is young with no children (don't come at me for that, just facts), she is very abrupt, pushy and resorts to shouting. As you can imagine DC shuts down and comes home and is very emotional.

Now I'm not stupid I know all children have their moments but DCs last teacher totally got DC and did everything in her power to push DC gently and nurtured DCs to their full potential.

I have parents evening next week and would like to bring this up but I'm so unsure on how to! I appreciate teachers get a lot of stick as it is and they are under huge amounts of pressure but the mother in me is concerned that her approach to teaching won't bring out DCs best potential.

How do I nicely ask to stop the shouting and stop being so pushy without being 'that' parent 🙈

Have people just missed the part where you talk of the teacher belittling your child in front of you. Honestly they sound awful and I would take my concerns to the headteacher now.

There was a teacher who shouted at out school, ds had her one year and he wasn't fazed by it but dd1 had her the next and she very much was as she is similar to your child. She mentioned it once as she couldn't find a form and was worried as the teacher would shout and when I told her not to worry as she wouldn't my son piped up that she very much would and used to shout at their class a lot. When I spoke to her about the missing form and said I'd get one from reception , sign and hand straight back in she was unreasonably annoyed even though the actual form had a date of a week later to be handed back. She had very short fuse or low threshold and did leave the school as her values didn't align with theirs.

Not all teachers are good at their job.

As an aside to that, I have read through the thread and can't see anything you've said that would make me overly concerned as a parent. I agree with those supporting the teacher who has 30 children to try and teach and motivate while maintaining some level of discipline in the classroom.
The toilet thing sounds perfectly reasonable to me or it would never end, kids would be up every 2 minutes and disrupting the whole class. They have to consider what is best for the whole group, not each little darlings individual thoughts and feelings.

I have memories from primary school of teachers I liked more than others, some that were stricter, some that brought out the best of me and others I really disliked. By far the best and most impactful teacher I had at that age was a young, childless male teacher who used to ride in on his motorcycle. The female teachers were always stricter.... and yes, I got told off and probably even shouted at on a couple of occasions! There are different kinds of teachers just as there are different kinds of parents and later, different kinds of managers.

Parents, and teachers, both have a role in preparing children for the rest of their lives. The current generation of late teens/ young adults are completely unprepared for life. I know not all, I'm generalising here, but a large percentage have no resilience, are plagued with anxiety, have been wrapped in cotton wool and never told no or had anyone raise their voice at them. There are no consequences to their actions, they have no work ethic, they've never known hardship or struggles, they're spoilt and they're entitled.
As a society, we've completely failed them.

I wouldn't thank you for a job in teaching these days as you are constantly fighting a losing battle with parents who think their little angels can do no wrong all telling you how to do your job better.

Goodness me op - there are some truly ridiculous responses here (a 6 year old should be in a special school because they don't respond well to a shouty teacher?! 😂)

I think in your shoes - as it's soon - I'd see how parents' evening goes and if there's the time/opportunity to raise this. You could ask the teacher how your child seems in class or say they don't seem as happy at school this year (but was last year) and ask if she has any idea why? You could say your dc seems worried about upsetting the teacher and does she have any idea why. Questions that might make the teacher reflect on her behaviour and why your dc isn't responding well to being in her class.

If she brushes your questions off I'd make an appointment to see the HT. It may be the HT views you as 'one of those parents' - so what, you need to advocate for your dc. It may be the HT is already aware of the teacher's behaviour and has had comments from other parents/staff.

The toilet thing sounds perfectly reasonable to me or it would never end, kids would be up every 2 minutes and disrupting the whole class. They have to consider what is best for the whole group, not each little darlings individual thoughts and feelings.

I don't really think asking a child if they're about to wet themselves is appropriate. It could lead to teasing from other children. And imagine having to be on the verge of wetting yourself before being allowed to go to the loo! There are other ways of saying it. And tone is everything

You won't really ever get anywhere complaining to nor about teachers unless something is overtly dangerous and has multiple witnesses. If you can't teach DD to let Mrs Shouty's behaviour slide off then consider if she can cope until the end of the year. If not, is there another class you could ask to move your child to (cite friendship issues etc)?

Ignore people saying your ' that parent' you're doing your best and doing what everyone does - looking out for your child. I agree with a pp who suggested emailing or better still have a chat after school, before the parents evening. You want to nip it in the bud. I have a lot of respect for teachers, I also think shouting isn't the answer and maybe the teacher is raising her voice/shouting through frustration. Talking with her about it will hopefully help her too.. I don't respond well to being shouted at and why should a 6 year old.

There's not enough information to know what tone it was said in for a start, or in what context (this could have been their 5th request in the last 20 mins for all we know)

I don't see anything unreasonable about checking a child does actually need it though rather than just going because it's something to do and they're bored, or they want to copy their friends.
I was on a flight recently and my daughter apparently 'needed' the toilet every 5 mins. I soon clicked on that it was just boredom and she was enjoying walking up and down the plane rather than sitting still in her seat. Yes, i asked if she really was desperate and would she actually wet herself if she didn't go that instant. Funny that when distracted and doing something she found 'fun', she no longer needed to go.

A teacher for 20 years and still unable to structure sentences properly.

@JRM17 😂🤣😂😳 did you just say a young child needs to toughen up - don't you sound delightful.

@sel2223 - I agree there's absolutely nothing wrong with checking and there will be unnecessary requests. However I believe it's very inappropriate to ask a child at school if they're about to wet themselves. I can just imagine the sniggering from some kids when they hear that and the resultant teasing.

It would be interesting to hear the teachers point of view if that was the actual wording used, or just something along those lines.

Was it a one to one question or something being loudly asked across the whole room?

And it also makes a difference if the kids are all treated the same or if one is being single out by being asked about this.

Kids will snigger at anything, we cannot tiptoe around every little thing and the assumption shouldn't automatically be that the teacher is in the wrong.

we cannot tiptoe around every little thing and the assumption shouldn't automatically be that the teacher is in the wrong.

I agree. Nor should we automatically assume the teacher is right. Which is what an awful lot of people on this thread seem to think.

There are some absolutely brilliant teachers and I actually disagree with you op that young and childless means less equipped to deal effectively with children. Dd's senco was old school in every respect and absolutely dreadful as a result. He Y1 teacher was a 'more experienced' (supposedly) teacher, who was also of the shouty/ shaming variety. Our dd ended up refusing to go to school for 6 weeks as a result. The teacher had the highest rates of classroom absence in the school and despite seeing that we were trying to help dd access learning materials, she just washed her hands. So bad, ineffective teachers make a very real difference to childrens' access to learning. I am not 'one of those parents' any more than you are (in our case though, we fought for an ehcp to he put in place due to SEN).

She thrived in Y2. Young teacher, new to the school, recently qualified. I was a bit sceptical when I first met her due to unfounded age related preconceptions. She was the best thing that could have happened to our dd, partly because she'd benefited from more recent information and modern training - as well as being just a really lovely person who took the time to get to know each and every child's learning style and make subtle adjustments.

Imo, you should raise it in a constructive conversation with the teacher. If there's no improvement, you should definitely escalate it. Your child is 6, not 16 - at that age they benefit from nurturing, flexible teaching methods, not shouting. And I'll always call that out whenever I see it, because it makes a very real difference to more sensitive children coming to school ready to learn (calm, relaxed, happy).

Firstly, I disagree about the difference between parents and non-parents. I know some very short tempered parents who seem to dislike all children except their own (sometimes including their own)! I also know some lovely, calm and patient non-parents who are really good with children.
I've worked in a school and saw no difference between the teachers who had children and those who didn't. Some were good teachers, some weren't.
The remark about "Will you wet yourself if you don't go to the toilet?" In a way, I can understand why she'd ask that. She wants to determine whether they really need to go. Mocking your child's fear is horrible. Shouting isn't great but sometimes needed. Once I was looking after a class of year 1s during a wet lunchbreak. They were running riot! It took an experienced teacher to come and yell at them, to calm them down.
However, if you're concerned I think you should mention it. You could just explain how sensitive your child is and that he reacts better to calm instructions than shouting (or something aling those lines). If you still have concerns, you'll have to speak to the head teacher.

How dare you mention that she does not have children. You don't know why, maybe she would love to have children but cannot. That doesn't come into the equation. Who do you think you are being judgemental?

So childless women don't make good teachers???? Utter BS. You are THAT parent and THOSE parents are part of the reason why there's a recruitment and retention issue with teachers.

I think you've had some bizarre responses here OP. Mumsnet is very inconsistent on some things. Everything absolutely MUST be baby and child led and intuitive and flexible to the individual and forget milestones they haven't all read the book, until they reach school age, then overnight they are supposed to toughen up, build resilience instantly, and cope brilliantly in an environment that is the very opposite of that, with a teacher who doesn't seem to even realise that their approach is causing a child to withdraw. It's almost as if the only reason for posting is to tell other mums that they're doing it all wrong 🤔.

I'm not sure what is supposed to happen magically overnight to make children able to cope with what you're describing, but it certainly isn't in any of the books. 6 is still very young and it is still very important to identify when children are struggling in an environment and support them in coping better. When DD was in early primary she would also have struggled with that kind of approach, but fortunately she had excellent teachers during that time (incidentally mostly young, inexperienced, and childfree... none of which stopped them being brilliant at their job).

I do think what you describe merits a conversation, and you are not that parent.

You’re very fortunate that parental status isn’t a protected characteristic and can still get away with prejudices on that basis. You’ve shown yourself up with the insistence that it matters OP and unfortunately have biased a lot of posters against you as a result.

If your child has special needs, then of course the teacher should support them and they may need a special plan etc. Jowever it sounds more like your child is just very sensitive. That’s in your camp. You have allowed her to get to the age of 6 with no emotional coping mechanisms other than shutting down. You need to help her build resilience as if she’s struggling in Y1/2, they’ll eat her alive in secondary school.

This is extremely offensive and completely untrue. Please stop stereotyping teachers with no children as not being compassionate or patient

"an incredibly gentle approach"

Just how gentle would a teacher need to be? I think working on resilience strategies with your child, rather than asking a teacher to be 'incredibly gentle', would serve your child better. It wouldn't be a reasonable request when the teacher has 29 other children to teach at the same time.