AIBU to ask how to handle this teacher?

[NimVlo]

DC is a very sensitive and natural born worrier, switches off when under a lot of pressure and is very hesitant to try to master new skills and needs an incredibly gentle approach.

New teacher is young with no children (don't come at me for that, just facts), she is very abrupt, pushy and resorts to shouting. As you can imagine DC shuts down and comes home and is very emotional.

Now I'm not stupid I know all children have their moments but DCs last teacher totally got DC and did everything in her power to push DC gently and nurtured DCs to their full potential.

I have parents evening next week and would like to bring this up but I'm so unsure on how to! I appreciate teachers get a lot of stick as it is and they are under huge amounts of pressure but the mother in me is concerned that her approach to teaching won't bring out DCs best potential.

How do I nicely ask to stop the shouting and stop being so pushy without being 'that' parent 🙈

I'm a teacher and I'm surprised she's not been told not to shout. I never shout these days as it's not worth my vocal chords. I certainly wouldn't be shouting at 6 year old and I wouldn't like it for my children.
There are other ways of teaching... just like smacking is no longer a valid method of parenting.

I'm a teacher and I'm surprised she's not been told not to shout
I’d be very surprised if she is shouting. 6 year old’s (especially over sensitive ones) are not the most reliable narrators.

Wow.

I have witnessed the shouting, belittling comments to other children "if I don't let you go to the toilet will you wet yourself? Do you definitely need the toilet?"

There's nothing wrong with that! 6yo's are constantly asking to go to the toilet, especially if one of their friends has just been allowed to go! You'd never have any kids in the classroom unless you made it clear that they would only be allowed to go if they really needed to.

I was going to say this.

needs an incredibly gentle approach

There are thirty children in the class.

If DC is 6 are they y2?

Presumably you've spent the last 2 years working on improving their resilience and independence?

Teachers in eyfs & y1 may have had more TA support and also the demands are less, as you go through school the teacher has to get more from the kids with less support.

Your child needs to learn to cope with firm instructions. If the teacher is having to raise her voice its because DC isn't listening/obeying etc first time round.

Its irrelevant whether teacher has DC. My child's EYFS teacher doesn't and comes across v nurturing, eldest's y3 teacher does but is firmer because the kids are older & should know the drill.

I think she needs to start by building resilience in herself.

I have been teaching for 28 years and I have not birthed any children. I was told once very early in that I wouldn't be a proper teacher until I had children. I'm still waiting.

Luckily the children I teach and their parents appreciate my teaching style. I am firm but fair. If I raise my voice it is because of a dangerous situation or to stop one from happening. Me and my class are a team and we work together to make the classroom the best learning and working environment it can be. No I am not perfect and sometimes patience is lacking but we work through that to make sure we still have the best outcome.

Work with the teacher, ask if they have noticed your child being a bit quiet at school and how you could help him with that. Open up the conversation in a positive manner and who knows you might actually see a different side to the teacher and develop a different relationship with them.

Reading between the lines she is in the first year of teaching, in fact in the first term, when it is necessary to establish discipline in order to teach effectively. Children - of all ages - try to push boundaries until they have a teacher’s measure, which is probably why she’s asking the question about the toilet need. To get the best for your child support her, point out to your child that classrooms can be noisy and that her approach isn’t personal to him/her. You’re on a 1:1 basis. She’s on 1: about 30 and delivering a curriculum. There are a lot of teachers on this site, myself included, who have been in her shoes. As the terms and years progress she will become the confident, experienced, mature teacher your child had last year. Don’t go in guns blazing. Would you rather have a teacher who is inept and not in control? You know the answer is no.

"if I don't let you go to the toilet will you wet yourself? Do you definitely need the toilet?"

This is because they all bloody say they "need" the loo during maths/phonics/on the carpet and don't want to wait and go in their break! Some 5/6 year olds would go constantly - every time a friend goes, every time they feel a bit fidgety etc

For all those saying that a teacher couldn't possibly shout - er, yes they can! Have seen it myself on numerous occasions, primary and secondary. Unfortunately some teachers do believe they need to, and that it's a legitimate communications 'tool' to use. It never is, and certainly not at primary level.

OP, you're getting a hard time as a) this is AIBU and b) the comment about her being a parent has got people's backs up.

My DS was incredibly sensitive at that age. Hated those 1970s style teachers ("oi, you 'orrible lot!') who sadly still think that's how you manage a classroom. Tbf, I hate those sorts of people, too.

I don't think a tiny child should learn to be 'more resilient' (ffs) and yes I do think you should have a constructive chat to the teacher. Not at parents' evening though.

It may be that they are completely oblivious to their teaching style, or understand that shouting, belittling, and that sort if infuriating shouty-jollying-along-tone really isn't appropriate for most children. And that to get the best out of people (all people, not just kids) adjusting your communications style is a good way to go.

Best of luck, you sound like a lovely, supportive mum who supports her child for who they are (as opposed to just telling them to 'get on with it', which is cruel in my book).

Your child needs an "incredibly gentle approach"? With all due respect, if that is the case, you need to be considering alternative schooling options. Don't get me wrong, it is absolutely imperative that teachers, especially of young children, do their best to support the children they're teaching but... your DC (and really, why the attempt to be gender neutral - it's so unnatural and odd in this case as sex has absolutely nothing to do with this and it just even more makes you out to be "that" parent) needs to learn that people in authority will ask tough questions, will get firm if their instructions aren't followed etc.

You said the teacher belittled a fear your child had - can you give more detail on that because frankly, askinga child if they really do need the toilet is not ringing any alarm bells for me. Not least because every teacher on the planet, and most parents, are fully aware that children regularly use the excuse of needing the toilet to get out of a task at school, to put things off etc.

Totally irrelevant whether or not a teacher has kids. Having one child is in no way the same as dealing with 30 of them with differing needs

Maybe you should write to the DfE and request that in addition to the current requirement of a degree and three years of additional training, all new teachers should also be required to have (at least) one child before they're fully qualified.

Oh, and my kids' teachers were more than happy to take an "incredibly gentle approach" with my kids. It's very doable. If you shout at some kids they will retreat into themselves - no good teacher would allow that to happen.

(My kids are successful, clever ones who got great exam results and are now all grown up and doing good things in their lives. Supporting their needs was not pandering to them, they did not end up spoilt or entitled, they actively contribute to the world and work hard.)

If your child has just moved from reception to year 1 that’s quite a big leap for most kids. Are you sure the teacher is the problem and it’s not just that your child is unhappy that they have a more structured routine and greater expectations of them this year?

But OP appears to be complaining because the teacher is not "incredibly gentle" with all the children, all the time. Her DC is getting upset just being around the teacher ever being a bit tough or asking the tough questions.

That's not how I read her post @MrSeptember , the OP mentioned specific examples directed towards her child.

In general, though, someone who shouts at a whole classroom all the time creates a toxic, unpleasant atmosphere. Frightening for some. I wouldn't tolerate that at work - would you? Why should we subject little kids to it?

If you are shouting then you've lost control. Unless a child is in danger, about to hurt someone or do something dangerous, it is not appropriate in a classroom.

The best and scariest teachers I ever had, the ones I'd never, ever play up for, were the ones who never shouted. They didn't need to.

as a veteran teacher - I definite taught differently (no longer work) after having children - I don’t think this is an irrelevant factor at all

Is she NQT young?

unfortunately there’s probably not a lot you can do if her classroom management is generally poor… but I do think work a meeting before parents eve to discuss ‘lessons from last year and how you can collaborate with her to help your child thrive’

ultimate school / parents / child should be a triangular approach - I’d approach with curiosity and requests for help rather than accusations - but it’s def worth a conversation

Bollocks. My DB was mercilessly bullied by his teacher who had 6 kids. You don't suddenly become Uber compassionate when you have a child.

I get this

My DC is the same and so far her school have been happy for her to just slip by on the sidelines while the teacher deals with the naughty/demanding children in the class. My DC isn't going to go and ask for help, or raise a problem they have, after they have just witnessed their teacher harshly/loudly etc speak to another child. They just won't get involved, will put their head down and bring the issue home.

Not exactly the same as your situation but I have put all the issues into writing and given this to the teacher (electronically so on record) and my next step is to go to the headteacher, then the education board if it's not addressed.

Teachers need to have the ability to look out and care for all children not just those that get their attention through whatever means. Some children need a calmer approach, some children need the strict approach etc...unfortunately it is on the teachers to ensure all needs are met. I do find young, newer teachers struggle with this skill.

I think whether she has children or not is totally irrelevant to your post and to this situation… fact or not I don’t believe it’s relevant to how she is with your son… being a parent does not make someone a better teacher!
My DD has been taught by lots of different adults over the years and her best teachers were not all parents!
infact at infants she had a lovely young female teacher, newly qualified, single with no children…. She was so enthusiastic and went above and beyond… I felt it was because she wasn’t a mother herself that she was able to give so much to her teaching job! Again in juniors she had a male teacher, single, no children himself… he was a fantastic teacher, the kids in his class all came on leaps and bounds… again not having kids himself I think meant he was never exhausted from parenthood and gave his teaching 100%…
she has of course also had some wonderful teachers who were parents - she’s also had some dreadful ones who were both parents and not parents…. So my point is that part of your post is totally irrelevant and you need to stop be biased about her just because she doesn’t have children herself (fact)

What a strange concept. I joined my school around a time when lots of young, new teachers started. Most have since gone on to have children. Their teaching style hasn't changed at all.

You thinking it's important doesn't mean it IS important. There's no 'must have children of their own' in the job description. Teachers are trained.

How on earth do you know she hasn't got any kids? That's so random. Did you ask her? Wind your neck in there - it's none of your business.