AIBU to ask how to handle this teacher?

[NimVlo]

DC is a very sensitive and natural born worrier, switches off when under a lot of pressure and is very hesitant to try to master new skills and needs an incredibly gentle approach.

New teacher is young with no children (don't come at me for that, just facts), she is very abrupt, pushy and resorts to shouting. As you can imagine DC shuts down and comes home and is very emotional.

Now I'm not stupid I know all children have their moments but DCs last teacher totally got DC and did everything in her power to push DC gently and nurtured DCs to their full potential.

I have parents evening next week and would like to bring this up but I'm so unsure on how to! I appreciate teachers get a lot of stick as it is and they are under huge amounts of pressure but the mother in me is concerned that her approach to teaching won't bring out DCs best potential.

How do I nicely ask to stop the shouting and stop being so pushy without being 'that' parent 🙈

New teacher is young with no children (don't come at me for that, just facts)

I will come at you for that. It has absolutely nothing to do with the price of fish. I've taught for many years and there is no correlation between having children and not having children and shouting or not shouting in class.
The worst one I ever knew had 3 children.

she is very abrupt, pushy and resorts to shouting. As you can imagine DC shuts down and comes home and is very emotional

That has nothing to do with her not having children. It might be to do with her being young and inexperienced in controlling a class and not yet having a range of techniques for behaviour management.

I work within a similar sector and there is a massive difference between parents and those who aren't. Compassion and patience is noticeably different in those who are parents as opposed to those who aren't

Confirmation bias.
I've worked with plenty of teachers with children who had no patience whatsoever. Some were completely exhausted bringing up their own small children and then having to deal with a class of 30 children.
Also worked with plenty of teachers no children who were wonderfully patient and compassionate.
Also teachers with no children who were shouty and teachers with children who were wonderful.
You absolutely cannot make blanket statements because it's just not true.

I don't know whether your post is genuine or not or whether you are being deliberately goady.

It’s unfortunate your child is upset.
I would be simply raising a concern politely with her at parents evening by simply saying
‘I am a little concerned about my son this year, he comes home most days upset and I want to discuss with you things teachers have done in the past that worked’….
Then that will lead into a discussion about him not responding well to a loud class or to teachers raising their voice…. You can suggest ways she can better support your child… be mindful though that while our children are our little treasures, teachers have to learn 30 children… they don’t have time to meet the needs of individuals and work on a basis of what works for the majority..
My daughter has had shouty teachers but I reassured her that they’re not shouting at her, but at whoever is being naughty.. also that some adults have to raise their voice to be heard if no one is listening..

Typically I let the teacher speak.
When they finish, any “concerns” I ask how I can support child with the “concerns” and how can we feedback to each other.
When it’s my chance to speak I might say- Child loves school, most days child really positive feedback - however, child has expressed concern in the classroom that sometimes it sounds like the adults are angry or fighting.
Pause wait & see what she says.

How can we support child / children to feel classroom is less emotive?

A lot of kids this age interpret being spoken to firmly as being 'shouted' at.
They also lie to get parent's attention and sympathy.

I think it is reasonable to approach this as a shared problem for you to solve with the teacher: ‘I have noticed that X is coming hone upset and wondered how they are getting on in class?’
‘I know in the past’ they have lacked confidence and wonder whether you have noticed the same?’
‘Do you feel that they are showing the same level of attainment as at the end of last year? If not, what are the areas they need to work on to get back up to speed?’

Focus on your child, not on the teacher - that they are upset is a fact; that the teacher is ‘shouty’ and this is the cause of the upset is a judgement. Position yourself as a supporter of your child and of the teacher, just wanting to work together to solve teething problems around transition.

Different teachers will have different personalities and teaching styles. It's a good thing, the more variety the better, and kids will respond differently to different teachers. My DS always did better with a firmer rather than more nurturing style. You can't tell the new teacher that you want the old one back so need to ask how she would deal with X,Y,Z issues. Be specific.

You need to approach it as others have said and highlight that you’ve noted that your child is upset most days and work out a way to move forward supporting your child.

I would not say in a roundabout way “your style is upsetting my child” as they likely can’t/ wouldn’t change how they teach for one child.

HOWEVER if there is specific incidents that occur directly relating to your child (like they’ve shouted directly at them or belittled and caused them to come home in an absolute state) then I’d address them and ask for a rundown of what had happened to get to the bottom of it, rather than address a list of attitudes at a parents evening.

If she is young then perhaps she is still in need of building up experience of how to command the attention of kids without resorting to what you call shouting. Others, for instance, might turn it into a game and gain their attention that way.

If she has now entered year 1, there also may be more emphasis on the sit down and working side, rather than the learn through play style that reception classes do, and so the children in the class will still be adapting to this more structured way of learning.
My child certainly noticed the difference, and getting mine to school didn't go well to begin with.

I do know what you mean about some children being more sensitive to the atmosphere, one of mine was, and you are right to be addressing it now as you may run into difficulty the older she gets and stricter learning styles teachers may use.

It's a really difficult one, as it is unsettling your child and the last thing you want is to ignore it and end up with a child upset going to school. Perhaps you could request some quiet time for your child were she can go to a little library in the corner or do some art work. This is what I requested as I could see its what my child needed, for slightly different reasons to yours.

You are not being precious or anything like that, you know your child and if they need slight adaptations, so be it.

Yes I would tell her what you think of her teaching. She sounds like a shit teacher. Teachers nowadays don't really have any excuse for not understanding neurodiversity and how not all children react to things the same way. She might be causing your child problems further down the line because this might cause her to hate school. She is still so young and doesn't need anyone to shout at her.

Tell the teacher that your dc is anxious at school, let her know that your dc responds to gentle, positive and affirming teaching.

You don’t need to tell her yet, that’s she’s behaving that way, just keep saying that is how your dc flourished in the year below.

I have known old and young teachers, with and without their own dc, be incredibly unkind to children.

I’m a primary school teacher myself. Resilience is great and all, but we really need to teach people, especially teachers, to be kind & speak to everyone with respect.

I'd concentrate on this.

She’s really not going to take teaching advice from you. You sound ridiculous. Her not having children is completely irrelevant.

Resilience sounds a good idea. With regard to the toilet I think it's a reasonable question and I noticed unless the children have a medical need the primary schools did the same for my children. The loss of learning time if children are going outside of break times adds up.

It is difficult as all children are unique and some teachers will naturally bring out different things be it positive or negative. My son had a fantastic teacher one year and would have happily had that teacher every year. The following year his teacher was very strict and even used a noise monitoring app. It was quite a change. It was peaks and troughs with teachers. He was very prepared for secondary school having such an eclectic mix of teacher's.

I do hope the parents evening helps with strategies in school and at home to support your DD. It's good you are so invested :)

The loss of learning time if children are going outside of break times adds up.

DD's school has a bit of a reputation for babying the children long past the point at which they shoudl be babied. this has been made worse in her year group because for various reasons, the teachers from the younger years have been teaching the children up to year 5. DD's year 5 teacher has been out on long-term sick leave but returned recently. I've known her for a long time so I wasn't surprised when she let slip in my meeting with her that she's struggling with the students still trying to go to the toilet constantly, not being able to do basic things etc at the point at which the academic expectations are ramping up.

Why? I wouldn’t expect to be shouted at by someone at work. Why is ok to yell at a 17 year old?
Nobody should be treated like that irrespective of their age.

You entirely lost me at this point. Parents are better at compassion and patience, are they? That's not at all arrogant of you. How dare an upstart young childless whippersnapper have the gall to think your precious child is just one of the kids in her classroom when they clearly should be the centre of her universe.

It is genuinely difficult to say whether a teacher reported by a child as having ‘shouted’ really did so.

Some children interpret a clear loud voice as ‘shouting’. Some interpret any correction from an adult, or any minor reprimand ir question as ‘shouting’. In younger children, it’s often a lack of precise expressive vocabulary. Or they are describing how the voice makes them feel, rather than how loud it objectively is.

That said, some teachers do shout regularly. Very many will shout rarely but in cases of danger.

A new young teacher will be under a lot of stress and may not gave their full toolkit of classroom management yet. Do you know whether the leadership of the school is kind and supportive to their teachers? Is the class as a whole a gentle one, or one with very high needs / difficult behaviours?

If you feel the teacher is genuinely not coping, and is genuinely being unkind to children, including out of control shouting / yelling, you need to make sure that leadership is aware of that as she may need more support than she is getting. Are there any other adults in the class with her?

The OP has managed to insult the entire teaching profession and all childless and childfree people in one post.

Nice one. 🙄

Sorry - haven't read the full thread. Had to stop at this.
What an outrageous comment. I don't have children. I have been a teacher for 20 years and I'm a bloody good one.
This comment is beyond ignorant, and says far more about you than it does the teacher in question.
You are 'that parent'.

I have had to deal with parental complaints where a child has said an adult has ‘shouted’ at them. In every case, either I was within earshot or a gentle and quiet trusted colleague was, and we could categorically refute the allegation. What every case had in common was that the adult told the child to do something they did not want to, or told them to stop doing something they wanted to. In each case the child perceived and described it as ‘shouting’.

DC is a very sensitive and natural born worrier, switches off when under a lot of pressure and is very hesitant to try to master new skills and needs an incredibly gentle approach.

This says it all.

And the teacher is the one with the problem and who needs to adapt?

I’m sure the teacher will love I at parents evening, a mother of a child who isn’t going what’s required and u telling them wot to do, and thinking they have the issue!

It didn't take long for this to become about being denied access to the toilet.

If this shouting and belittling is true and you have seen it with your own eyes then take your child out of the school and send him elsewhere.

All sounds a bit precious tbh

And we wonder why there’s a teacher retention problem…