AIBU to ask how to handle this teacher?

[NimVlo]

DC is a very sensitive and natural born worrier, switches off when under a lot of pressure and is very hesitant to try to master new skills and needs an incredibly gentle approach.

New teacher is young with no children (don't come at me for that, just facts), she is very abrupt, pushy and resorts to shouting. As you can imagine DC shuts down and comes home and is very emotional.

Now I'm not stupid I know all children have their moments but DCs last teacher totally got DC and did everything in her power to push DC gently and nurtured DCs to their full potential.

I have parents evening next week and would like to bring this up but I'm so unsure on how to! I appreciate teachers get a lot of stick as it is and they are under huge amounts of pressure but the mother in me is concerned that her approach to teaching won't bring out DCs best potential.

How do I nicely ask to stop the shouting and stop being so pushy without being 'that' parent 🙈

I do wonder how many would still ‘need to go’ if for every 5 minutes spent messing about in the toilets they had to make up at breaktime.

have witnessed the shouting, belittling comments to other children "if I don't let you go to the toilet will you wet yourself? Do you definitely need the toilet?"

How is that belittling?

You don’t “ handle” a teacher
ever that’s your first mistake

sounds like the teacher is not a good fit for you or your child and this isn’t a the last teacher like this they will meet they will meet

tell the teacher pretty much what you have written here and see how it goes
your child should not be upset coming home and hopefully the teacher can adapt
if not, this is a harsh learn curve in resilience

Absolute bollox.

You've lost any sympathy I was trying to hold on to at this point.

It makes no difference if they have children of their own or not (that's actually none of your business) - would you object to a male teacher discussing periods because he's never had one? Or a teacher teaching about countries they've never visited?

I have heard being a teacher is very good contraceptive!!! Being around 30 little lovelies all day makes you enjoy your child free home even more!

That’s really not true.

Perhaps you were less compassionate and patient. That’s a failing of yours. It’s not a failing shared by everybody and it’s extremely stupid to imagine this is true.

You're getting some harsh replies here TBF there are a lot of teachers on Mumsnet and a lot of them have to deal with really naughty kids and parents that always back them.

But the ops child is not naughty they sound very shy and nervous I was like that as a kid and having one particular teacher who always mocked me for being quiet around the age of 6 really didn't help.

Parent's evening is not the right time to raise this. There will be little time and it's doubtful any meaningful conversation can happen.

Try and arrange a meeting before or after that. Mention how your child is feeling, any worries they might have and continue with reasonable and achievable suggestions of things that might work.

Basically.. Jimmy is struggling at the moment, we found x ,y and z helps and he responded positively to a,b,c last year.

Give it a while to see if there's any improvement.

one of mine had a very screamy teacher, she was unhinged and explosive, a woman in the edge (we could hear her) but it still took multiple complaints from parents for safeguarding procedures to kick in.

Whether the teacher has children and her age are irrelevant.
However, those saying that you are being ridiculous and your child needs to toughen up ..... well that may be true, I don't know you.
On the other hand, there are vile, shouty and mean teachers unfortunately. I have had the misfortune to work with a fair few. I think a few children cope ok in a shouty environment but most dislike it as much as adults do.
I would broach the subject along the lines of your child is coming home anxious and upset. What can you do help? That could be a number of things; the teacher may even appreciate you approaching the SLT with your concerns as it may lead to extra classroom support if it's a challenging class. Believe me that some classes can be an absolute nightmare and teaching is a really exhausting, difficult job.

I had a similar issue with my older DC (boy). it was the teacher's first role, she was very academic and the class that year was a tough group. I asked for a meeting with her and said words along the lines of "it seems DC is struggling a bit; how can we work together to support him better?" so we talked about what the issues might be, not her teaching style. It was extremely successful and I will be eternally grateful to her also for recognising that he might have dyspraxia and actually helping to get him diagnosed. She went back into academia after that year, and I'm sure she has had a very successful career - I hope so.

Yep. I once dismissed my y4 class and got accused by a parent of 'pushing' her daughter. I put my hand on her back to usher her in the right direction. There was definitely no pushing!

I work within a similar sector and there is a massive difference between parents and those who aren't. Compassion and patience is noticeably different in those who are parents as opposed to those who aren't
if you are seriously going to stand by this statement I would suggest that you must have a very limited life experience and have not dealt with many people . This might also explain why you feel that this teacher needs to change to suit your child rather than your child adapting to a different type of person . You will do them no favours in the long run .

Well said @Mildmanneredmum .

The problem with the OP's question is the language and attitude towards the teacher.

Do you know if the child who she asked would they wet themselves already disrupted the class several times that day by going to the toilet? That's not mocking them that's asking them a question.

Obviously because she doesn’t want to reveal the gender of her child?

I’m an early years teacher, and I’m also a parent. There is no excuse whatsoever to speak to children like she does, it needs called out and stopped.
Confront it head on and tell her that you are very concerned for your child’s emotional wellbeing, if she doesn’t listen then speak to the principal.
One of my sons had a teacher at that age who destroyed him emotionally and he is only now, years later, recovered from it. She spends 5-6 hours a day with these children, they deserve better than to be belittled or frightened, there is no room in education for behaviour like that.

No wonder teachers are leaving with ridiculous attitudes like that.
Childless / child free teachers can be great. They can be shit. Mothers who are teachers can be great. They can be shit. Fathers who are teachers can be great. They can be shit.

Having children doesn’t change whether someone is a good teacher or not.

Some may argue that those without children can spend more time doing the job, don’t have days off for ill children, go part time so are perhaps better teachers.

But it’s bollocks. You’re either a good teacher or you are not.

If you think a teacher needs to be a parent to have empathy or compassion then you have very limited life experience.

A vet doesn't need to have pets to be compassionate towards animals. A doctor doesn't need to have the condition that they're treating.

Your child and their teacher have very different personalities, the teacher should not have to alter their personality to suit one child in their class. Your child needs to understand that people are different and people are not going to adjust to their liking. It’s super important to be able to handle all kinds of people, even those that sometimes raise their voices or ask follow-up questions on the necessity to pee. Time to do some work on your child.

I was a teacher for a long time, I also have a child like you describe. Same age, I had the same problem with the teacher and let it go on far too long. I called a meeting, laid down everything that I had witnessed and others had witnessed and asked calmly why they thought this was acceptable. They cried, but the shouting stopped. In my opinion it’s not acceptable to shout at a child like they were. They need to be better. I know teaching is hard I know it can be stressful but they can be grumpy on their own time not your child’s time.

The kid is 6 ffs. He can be sensitive and worried.

Also, there is no personality type that needs shouting at, so it would be changing her style for all the 30 kids in her class. In fact, there will be kids in that class who , due to trauma/abuse or additional needs are even more affected than OP's child. Some of them might not even have a parent that gives a shit or has their back. Should they just grow up too? Just deal with it cause... different personality types?

I'm sorry your child is struggling but you need to talk to the teacher about how you can build up resilience rather than criticising her teaching methods. The lovely, gentle teacher last year doesn't seem to have had a lasting effect on your DC's ability to cope with someone different.

@BlueSilverCats because I don't actually believe that the teacher is shouting at the children, I think it's a teacher who raises her voice to be heard when 30 or so kids are being noisy. OP has said that she considered the comment asking if they really needed the toilet to be belitteling to the kids so I think she is probably equally sensitive because most people (as you can see on this thread) don't think there is anything wrong with double checking how important it actually is for that kid to go to the toilet at that precise moment because kids do try it on. We all had teachers at school who were lovely and soft and we all had teachers who were more temperamental and there is lessons to be learned from both types and for some kids the stricter version works better whilst for others the softer version is beneficial. It seems that OP's child now has had a taste of both versions.