DP has mentionitus about new (female) work colleague

[Imjustlikeyou2]

My DP started a new job recently and I have noticed he keeps mentioning a woman he works with, he rarely if ever mentions the men he works with and I feel like this is getting into mentionitus territory. What she did today that was funny, what she has being installed in her home etc etc. What can I do to shut this down without… addressing it? I feel it’s not enough for me to be saying why do you keep mentioning her but my senses are tingling that there is a slight crush. Or do I do nothing and if it does escalate allow him to throw away 15+ years and children? Thanks in advance.

Ask if he's going to keep banging on about her as you're already fed up as he clearly fancies her

I would monitor the situation for the time being. Is he being shifty with his phone, messaging more often? Is she married (not that that would stop some people)?

@Luluissleeping no phone issues as of yet but he hasn’t been at the job long, no idea if the potential feelings are reciprocated but if they are it could escalate into that… just wondering if there are subtle ways to say THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING without saying it. But the other part of me thinks if he wants to do it, why try and stop him?

@Luluissleeping not married but has a boyfriend apparently (funnily enough I don’t know the marital status of any other MALE colleagues!)

You sound jealous and controlling. Men and Woman can be friends you know?

He might have a crush but that doesn't mean it's mutual. I second the suggestion of "I get it, you fancy her, now shut up about it."

And you sound lacking in emotional intelligence.

Yes they can. But if you've been married to someone for 15 years, you're probably pretty good at noticing when something is a little bit off about their behaviour.

I agree with pp: why just not come straight out with it and ask him why he keeps going on about her. Ask him " do you fancy her"? Hopefully it might shock him into realising that he is starting to obssess about her. Why give this situation chance to develop?

@Suzuki70 Do you think? I sort of thought that was the worst way of going about it for some reason, & of course he will deny it anyway… I don’t know. It’s depressing. I never thought it would be my husband, I know nothing has happened but I’m not an idiot and I can sense it, part of me just thinks whatever… if it escalates let him fuck off - I’m not going to beg. But I appreciate thinking it is different to the reality of being a single mum to three young kids.

I'd say "DH, I've noticed you mention Emma a lot. I've never heard you mention any other colleague this much, so she's clearly a big part of your work life. I'm concerned because it's really easy for these situations to escalate and to get overly close to each other, and then it becomes an issue in the marriage. If you don't want this to happen then you might want to be on your guard and keep a rein on it." You'll have done what you can then and the rest is up to him. At least he'll know you're not going to be naive about it.

“DH, do you realise you talk about Janice an awful lot? Do you fancy her or something?” He’s never going to say yes, but at least you let him know you’ve clocked it.

It might be completely innocent (maybe she's friendlier and more talkative than the other men, so he naturally has more information about her to share), but I wouldn't like it, either.

Bringing it right out into the light makes sense to me. If he's determined to let something develop, he'll be alerted to your awareness and be more secretive. If that's the situation, it's inevitable, anyway, but on a more hopeful note, it could instead serve as a wake-up call to prevent him from wandering blindly into something that could ruin your marriage.

I do, as others have said, because it might shock him into realising it's a grubby little fixation rather than an exciting secret all to himself.

@ThisIsSockward

It might be completely innocent (maybe she's friendlier and more talkative than the other men, so he naturally has more information about her to share), but I wouldn't like it, either.

I feel like we’re on that fuzzy area where it could definitely be innocent but it could also escalate. I think I know him better than he knows himself sometimes, I know the sort of woman he likes and he mentioned one thing today about her that I knew he would like without him ever telling me he likes that thing if that makes ANY sense?! 😑

I'd be tempted to casually drop into a conversation one day that you were reading on MN that lots of people give themselves away when they're building up to an affair at work by constantly talking about the person they fancy. Then when he talks about her again, say, 'do you know, you're getting mentionitus', and when he asks what that is, you can say 'it's what I was telling you about the other day, that people do when building up to an affair, you're not planning on having an affair with Sue / Jane / Liz are you, because if you are, you do know that would be the end of our marriage, don't you? Hopefully that would come as enough of a shock, to make him think twice, and gives you an opportunity to put your cards on the table, while it's still all hypothetical.

I really hope that you're worrying about nothing OP, but as the saying goes, a woman often 'knows'.

Yes it does make sense and all the more reason to bring this out into the open and talk about it with him.
If he really cares about you then the very fact you are worried should make him realise he is in danger of crossing boundaries .

I have mentionitis about a particular male colleague. DH was not impressed but over time realised he had nothing to fear because it's all circumstancial.
My mentionitis is related to

• frequency: I see this colleague more than most and our work roles are heavily intertwined. Neither of us could do our job without consulting the other.
• colleague happens to be very witty and v much aligned to my way of thinking - this makes our intertwined roles easier.

So although it's annoying for DH, he has come to realise it's not a threat to him.

Brain, I really don't hear much about Eric, Rob or Martin who you work with but you often mention Samantha and know an awful lot about her.

@Spaffer As much as I weirdly enjoy your frankness I’m afraid I received no perks for using the word crush.

OP, you’re catastrophising. You’ve leapt from him mentioning a female colleague to you divorcing for an affair!

@VitaminSubtle I hear you. But these are just thoughts in my head, and maybe said aloud on an anonymous forum…

15 years?
It would get on my nerves, to have the "burden" of him and on top of that him banging on....
The word mentionitis makes me irrationally angry.