DP has mentionitus about new (female) work colleague

[Imjustlikeyou2]

My DP started a new job recently and I have noticed he keeps mentioning a woman he works with, he rarely if ever mentions the men he works with and I feel like this is getting into mentionitus territory. What she did today that was funny, what she has being installed in her home etc etc. What can I do to shut this down without… addressing it? I feel it’s not enough for me to be saying why do you keep mentioning her but my senses are tingling that there is a slight crush. Or do I do nothing and if it does escalate allow him to throw away 15+ years and children? Thanks in advance.

Just come out with it DH you're mentioning said female alot lately and see how responds
Yes it might be innocent but it might not be if your asking on here I think you suspect something

@Nothatgingerpirate

😂😂

Are you saying it’s time for a trade in anyway? 15 years goes very quickly, it seems…

'Oh, darling! Elsie sounds fun. I'm so looking forward to meeting her. I'll call in on you sometime.'
Don't say when, he'll arrange for her to be absent.
But when you suggest it, his face will tell you all you need to know.

And they have a rather questionable user name.

Instead of confronting him in any way ( and making you look like jealous/ possessive), can’t you just drop by his workplace ( with kids in tow) to say hi and let this lady know what an amazing husband you have ( and what an amazing father he is)? I would also take a cake for ALL the colleagues.

My two best friends are men so I have no problem with a man being friends with a woman but mentioning them constantly is a red flag.

If anythings going to make her look jealous and possessive its that I'm afraid. If there is something brewing those colleagues will have already spotted it and will be laughing up their sleeves at OP turning up like Dolly Parton with a gateaux looking for Joleen.

Ha ha.. you must be the woman..

just say it! DH had same about a recently widowed colleague who leant on him a lot - you just have to trust in these situations but airing it makes a world of difference (to a considerate DH). It’s human to feel insecure but be mindful to treat it lightly and avoid being uptight or controlling. Airing it shows you have a boundary about it yourself.

@5128gap

If there is something brewing those colleagues will have already spotted it and will be laughing up their sleeves at OP turning up like Dolly Parton with a gateaux looking for Joleen.

🤣I didn’t think it was a bad suggestion until I saw this. I am NOT going to be dolly! A Gateaux did me 😆

He might not have realised himself how far into starry eyed he has slid... A dose of cold water in the form of you giving him a bit of a wake up call might keep him on the right side of things.
We can all be vulnerable to finding ourselves responding to positive attention... That only gets fanned into actual flames if you lean into it... You can lean away from it and prevent it becoming something transgressive... A warning shot and a remember we love each other might just help get the brakes on in time before it becomes something hard to resist.

I’d probably just rib him a little first, tease him about his new girlfriend at his new job, it keeps it light but makes it clear you know exactly what is going on, it might make him a bit more aware of the situation and embarrass him a bit.

Also don’t jump the gun just yet, many men fancy women who want absolutely nothing to do with them. He’s probably not as desirable to anyone else as he is to you.

@Foofedifiknow this is the approach I’m aiming for. How did you bring it up?

Same. Agree.

It's ALWAYS the "co workers you don't need to worry about"

He needs to stop this in his tracks. I suggest you mention that he seems to be mentioning her alot

Yeah, i'd pick my moment - when he'd just finished talking about her and when there's no kids in earshot - and say ''DH, do you fancy her?''

It will knock the wind out of him weather he does or not!

You know him best, and that moment is when to watch him closely. If he's annoyed at the suggestion it's a yes.

Try not to say too much more - let him react.

I never thought it would be mine either. The mentionitis progressively got worse until he actually fucked off with her, she was married too. I did ask him outright but of course he denied that he fancied her. Funnily enough he's got her pregnant now and neither of them are divorced yet, not saying your DH is necessarily as much of an idiot as mine but I knew before he actually went that something was a miss.

Could you be slightly jokey about it and say something like 'DH does anyone else work in your office (shop, site, wherever) because the only person you talk about is Female co-worker' and see how he reacts?

@Imjustlikeyou2 I would definitely tease him about this "Does Clara know how much you're talking about her at home?" " Wow, you seem to really like this coworker, how come I hear nothing about the others?" And take it from there. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. But maybe he has a crush on her without realising it himself? It sounds like it or he wouldn't be sharing with you.

People don’t realise but you have to call these things out, you have to create barriers to your relationship. That doesn’t mean he can’t have female friends it just means boundaries are important and respectful. Because cheating is often just a small set of boundary crossing. And yes mentionitis is the beginning, lack of mentionitis following that is where you worry.

If you didn't want to accuse him you could bring it up in a concerned way as it might give people the 'wrong idea'.

'You mention Jane alot DH I hope you don't talk about her that much at work, it might start rumours. That won't be good for either of you.'

Same for me in this order:

Mentionitis

Starts changing appearance/ talking about new music

Mentionitis stops

Starts making digs at the way I look and everything about me

Strange ‘important’ events such as getting bread at 9pm

Buggers off with her after I ask him outright if he’s cheating!!

No she doesnt. At all. And if you've had a cursory glance of any of the threads on the relationship boards you wouldn't be so scathing of her fears over this.

Talking about 'what she has installed in her home'. Like, why would anyone even talk to their new colleagues about that, never mind said colleague passing on the info to their spouse as if it's some sort of witty anecdote.
Yeah, he fancies her.
Is she single? Do you trust him? Has he cheated with a colleague before?
People do find someone other than their spouse attractive occasionally, but it's about how strong your relationship is really.