DP has mentionitus about new (female) work colleague

[Imjustlikeyou2]

My DP started a new job recently and I have noticed he keeps mentioning a woman he works with, he rarely if ever mentions the men he works with and I feel like this is getting into mentionitus territory. What she did today that was funny, what she has being installed in her home etc etc. What can I do to shut this down without… addressing it? I feel it’s not enough for me to be saying why do you keep mentioning her but my senses are tingling that there is a slight crush. Or do I do nothing and if it does escalate allow him to throw away 15+ years and children? Thanks in advance.

Id be walking around quietly singing Jolene by now! Seriously though I would jokingly mention it just to get his reaction. When the penny drops he will hopefully realise the trouble he could be in

What an utterly bizarre attempt at a put down. Yet again if the sexes were reversed the answers would be very different.

This!

I had good advice from a friend when this happened to me (mentionitis plus messaging a bit outside or work) and the chat went along the lines of “it seems to be you have a crush on xx, it’s ok and natural to have crushes but the informant thing is to set boundaries and manage how you deal with it so it doesn’t damage our marriage”. Knocked the wind right out of his sails and seemed to have nipped it in the bud.

It’s when they don’t mention it, you need to worry

My DH said I had mentionitius about a man at work. He and I shared an office and our roles are very intertwined so when we spoke about our day over dinner it would have been unnatural to carefully avoid talking about “Dave”.

Most of conversation was about how self obsessed, annoying and incompetent “Dave” was, I honestly find the man unbearable but it still made DH unhappy.

I moderated my complaining and it all blew over. At no point was I considering an affair!

Does your DH have more contact with this woman than the rest of his colleagues, are they working together on a project etc?

Agree with lots of other posters, bring it out into the open, make a joke about it, let him see his behaviour for what it is - bored male employee crushing on a younger, new, female colleague. Tell him dial it down in case she reports him to HR.

Chances are, she won’t fancy him and she may also not fancy getting embroiled in a marriage break up, not everyone is an arsehole.

You are right to flag it up though.

No they wouldn't. It doesn't matter who starts a thread about being concerned by their partner's mentionitis. They would get much the same in the way of responses as on this thread.

I work with a male colleague. We get on well. That does not mean we fancy each other. Yiu are sat next to the person all day everyday, of course I’m going to mention him! There is absolutely nothing there other than a friendship. My bf also works with a female colleague in the same way and again nothing there other than friends…. Men and women can be just friends.

I think I’d do a “be careful there, darling”. Some men are so lacking in self awareness it might be worth pointing it out.

Honestly, your best bet is just to draw attention to it, and let him know you've noticed.

Many years ago someone new started working with me. We had a fair bit in common and a similar sense of humour so we got on really well. One night on a work night out another colleague said "You want to be careful there", and that was all it took. It was like the someone had opened my eyes and I realised that what I thought was just a friendship was me developing a rather large crush. I could see all the stereotypes, the ego boost I was getting from someone younger and attractive liking me, all the times I must have mentioned her to DP etc. I took a step back straight away, just distanced myself a bit, and we worked together for another 5 years, before I left and we never spoke again.

I figured that DP was none the wiser, and then a couple of years ago me and DP bump into her at a wedding. I introduce them, we have a chat for a bit and go our separate ways. As we walk off DP says "I can see why you fancied her....". Bloody mortifying.

So yes, mention it to your husband, he may not have realised himself that he's dangerously close to crossing a line.

I think if it was at the affair stage he'd probably be trying to keep her a secret?

You can try to nip it in the bud before it gets there by just pointing out how he seems a bit obsessed, as others have said.

How about something like, 'she sounds fun. How about inviting her and her fella round one night?' . Watch his face.

Keep a close eye on it op. This happened with my dh 3 years ago . He was mentioning her that much I joked saying wow has she got golden t*s aswell the way you go on about her. He laughed it off anyway it escalated where she started ringing and texting him all the time, day in day out wanting his advice etc and to chat to him and constantly texting. I eventually kicked off as she was clearly after him, and i got told I was jealous and that he can't have female friends and carried on chatting with her. Of course totally disrespecting and red flag. I then found sexting messages, he was all over her. We arent together now .

Encourage him to talk about her so you have maximum information.

Invite her and her bf over or to a pub, for pizza etc. Nothing major. Have others, like trusted female friends, round to give her a good examination.

Find something about her that will give him the ick. Casually. Sprinkle a little light disdain or contempt in and stand well back.

Look forward to family/ couple time with hubby. Christmas is coming so you're spoiled for choice. He just needs to be reminded what side his bread is buttered.

Don't worry and do something for yourself so you sparkle. This is just the fascination of the new. You just need to remind yourself of the woman he actually married. No woman, not even Claudia Schiffer, can compete with her.

No 1, you're not throwing away 15 years if you don't do anything, he will be if he does anything.

No2, just monitor the situation. That way you will know more, if you say anything he won't tell you as much.

No3. If he gives you treason and only if he gives you reading, check messages or recall deleted messages.

My first thought was to suggest you all meeting up for drinks or a meal. It might help you to see if there is anything there.
If he is going to cheat, he will.
Being friendly with her and her bf might mean you know about it sooner if it did happen- I found out about an EA from the EA partner. Then her husband. And her sister. As the saying gies "Keep your friends close..."
I also like the "be careful there"/"watch yourself there" comments here from others- it reminded me of Emma Thompson's character in Love Actually- still didn't stop him buying the necklace though, did it?
It might just be a nice exciting new friendship.
Some other good advice here on noticing changes in appearance, tastes, when he stops mentioning her etc.

And you sound naive

This

Erm, respectfully, no. Just no.

Pretty sure if he genuinely fancied her, he'd make a point of never mentioning her name in front of you?

If it really bothers you, ask him to invite them both round and see his reaction.

I'm not convinced mentionitis is a thing, and it's certainly not as suspicious as keeping a new friendship secret.

I've gone out of my way to mention new male friends to DP in order to avoid accidental secrecy. Probably subconscious. Wasn't planning on affairs and didn't fancy them.

Occasionally I've been very excited about a new friend - the kind of person you just click with and want to become better friends with - both men and women. And it's perfectly natural to gush a bit about how brilliant the woman I met at the party tonight was, or how funny that guy at the event was. It doesn't mean I want to sleep with them. In a few cases those meetings have indeed turned into great friendships and those people are as great as I initially thought they were.

Did you mention it to him @Imjustlikeyou2?

F

Reply "can't wait to meet her, when are you going to introduce us?"