ExH brought his dog in my house without permission

[CfCfCftooMuch]

ExH just dropped off his dog in my house. For me to look after, even though i had said no to looking after him. The dc let Exh and dog in when i was out. They love that dog and of course had no knowledge of anything.

ExH is gone now for two weeks. Abroad. He just walked out and took off to the airport, leaving dog behind.

I've got two dc and two cats and work long hours. The cats have never spent a night/day alone in the house with this dog. He is kind and mellow, but a large breed. Size of a wolf.
I've contacted a dog shelter and might have to go to go through rspca.

Posting to tell someone. This is just one of many many ways he always finds a way to use me or control my life. I didn't want any of this. And now im left here calling shelters (which im asked to pay for), calling womens aid, calling rspca, figuring out how to do this without upsetting the dc, texting exH to sort out care if he doesn't want me to take this further, posting here for support, trying to figure out tomorrow with sorting out the kids, my work, other stuff, business meeting and my actual day job. Honestly?! Wtf!!!

@Whatwillbreaknext If you had left dog at vets/in a built up area it would likely have been caught and rehomed when it became obvious there was no one in the country to care for it. Instead, it is stuck with this dick heads games and mistreatment. He knows how to guilt you into getting into line and until you say 'no, I need to prioritise my boundaries here' it will carry on. I'm really not attacking but until you change your response, nothing will change.

It’s very easy to say this, however if this had been my ex and I’d abandoned the dog he’d have gone on a rampage. You can’t grey rock your way out the crosshairs of a person so nasty and twisted and so intent on making your life a misery. I had no contact whatsoever with my ex but it didn’t stop him spending seven years carrying out calculated acts of revenge to try to intimidate me and destroy my life regardless. And we didn’t even have kids.

Honestly you sound like have no idea.

I'm really not trying to badger OP. But posters encouraging/guilting OP to hang onto this dog are part of the problem. If OP doesn't implement boundaries, nothing changes for her and the cycle of abuse may continue for her children as abusive Dad/abused Mum is the norm to them. We shouldn't be encouraging women to stay there. But I'll leave it there. I genuinely wish you well OP.

Sure but its obvious from OP’s answers that she is doung her best to maintain boundaries safely. Its an abusive relationship. Your solutions are blunt snd not available to OP for a host of reasons that she has explained including retaliation and escalation by her ex.

@Whatwillbreaknext I really wish you don't professionally 'help' victims of abuse.

Because your 'advice' on how to put up boundaries was to commit animal abuse and cause trauma to innocent children.

So, again. I really hope you are only an online bully and hold no advisory role irl.

I disagree and have not bullied you OP, nor have I caused trauma to your DC. I wish you well.

I think you've handled this situation with more grace than most would have done, OP. I could never be cruel to an animal, no matter who owned it.

I also think you've probably learned a very hard lesson to make your home a safer space that he can no longer violate in future. There is a special place in hell waiting for men like this.

I wouldn’t let a person like that into my life, no.

Are you genuinely criticising the OP for not just leaving the dog in a "built up area"?? Even if you don't care if the dog gets hit by a car, consider the poor person who might be involved in the accident it causes.

What an absolutely shitty comment.

I am pointing out that this will happen again and again. This isn't a normal case of 'think of the poor dog'. This is a dog, being abused by a man in order to abuse his ex. The best thing that could happen to this dog is it be rehomed. Instead it will be passed back and forth between OP and the ex. The child will walk in with the dog and say 'it's only for 3 days this time'. Child walks in with dog 'Dad says it has to live here or he will have it PTS'. Child walks in with new puppy 'Dad bought us dog that lives here'. Ect ect ect with all the animal abuse that happens in the process, stress on OP and DC normalising the situation and learning manipulation tactics in the process.

Once again, the solution to none of this is to simply leave the dog in a "built up area".

“Boundaries “ is not a magic solution—like waving garlic at a vampire. Sometimes it can be very difficult to reset, or even to effect, an abusive relationship. OP has shown she understands what is happening but does not have perfect freedom and safety to sucessfully prevent some of his strategies of abuse. All these assertions that OP is somehow “accepting “ the abuse are really off and unfair. There is no “one weird trick” that flummoxes abusive men.

I disagree with you. And yes I and many on here have been through similar. Boundaries are really important. Quite frankly he dumps a dog on you that isnt yours - off the dog home straight away. Not your issue. And your DC are going to need to grow up quite fast. That's not bullying to point that out to you.

What a horrid, thoughtless and dangerous suggestion. This is typical of people who think: 'It's only a dog'. This situation is not the dog's fault and 'selling' the dog, even if that was possible will mean the dog ends up as bait for a dog fighting set up.

It's 'etc' not 'ect' by the way.

I also heard exh tell dc13 on speaker that the dog has to go 'because mum doesn't want him there' and 'she doesnt care where he goes as long as hes out of her house'

But he's not lying here. That's exactly what you've posted. You're contributing to the upset of your kids here. Yes he's done the wrong thing but there's ways to deal with it with creating a drama and upset for your kids.

The naivety is strong in this one.....

I’d text and say it’ll be going to a shelter and he can pay the bill when it’s collected

Now op you move on. You get your front door double locked at all times so dc can’t let anyone in ( a safety risk in itself)

You stop all WhatsApp messages and go through formal emails only - with an email account set up just for this purpose with an auto responder message of the days and hours it will be checked,

You ask him for zero favours, ever, even if your legs are falling off. You find your own safety net.

You do absolutely nothing for him ever. The answer is always no.

Cut him out of your life beyond child arrangements from today. You become unreachable.

You are still being abused.

Seriously? Talk about victim blaming

Dad is hinting permanent removal of the dog and it's all mums fault because she doesn't want to care for HIS ANIMAL when she said NO he is driving a wedge between her and the children

What a dirtbag. I would take the job to the shelter and drop him off. Tell them the dog is abandoned. They can get details from the dogs chip and your ex can pick up the dog when he gets back. Do not waste anymore time or energy on this for your own sake. Stop trying to figure it out or create a solution which is what your ex is expecting. He can get as angry as he likes but remember - you are in control. You decide what happens. You aren’t at fault. If you stand up and fight back enough he may stop doing these things. Good luck.

Her cats should not have to cope.

She should not have her ex’s responsibilities dumped on her without consent.

It is abusive behaviour to both his ex and the dog.

Oh please, tell us how the OP should have dealt with this without upsetting the kids. How did SHE create any drama or upset?

Are you the EXH? You sound misogynistic as hell.

@CfCfCftooMuch I am glad your nasty, disrespectful, controlling, abusive EXH has found a solution to HIS problem.

I am assuming he does not have keys to your place, so your children need to be told, in no uncertain terms, that he is not allowed in the house, no matter what. No excuses, no exceptions. They are old enough to understand some of what is going on. If they need it, get them someone to talk to so they can comprehend the danger they could put YOU in by letting him into your space. Make sure he knows that entering your house, ever again, will result in trespass charges.

He sounds like a worthless twat waffle, and I am really sorry to have to deal with that idjit.