ExH brought his dog in my house without permission

[CfCfCftooMuch]

ExH just dropped off his dog in my house. For me to look after, even though i had said no to looking after him. The dc let Exh and dog in when i was out. They love that dog and of course had no knowledge of anything.

ExH is gone now for two weeks. Abroad. He just walked out and took off to the airport, leaving dog behind.

I've got two dc and two cats and work long hours. The cats have never spent a night/day alone in the house with this dog. He is kind and mellow, but a large breed. Size of a wolf.
I've contacted a dog shelter and might have to go to go through rspca.

Posting to tell someone. This is just one of many many ways he always finds a way to use me or control my life. I didn't want any of this. And now im left here calling shelters (which im asked to pay for), calling womens aid, calling rspca, figuring out how to do this without upsetting the dc, texting exH to sort out care if he doesn't want me to take this further, posting here for support, trying to figure out tomorrow with sorting out the kids, my work, other stuff, business meeting and my actual day job. Honestly?! Wtf!!!

What a complete bellend no thought at all gone into this he doesn’t care does he. Yes I’d do the same ring the dog warden she:he will take it I feel sorry for the poor dog and of course your situation I’d want to strangle the selfish idiot. As long as he goes away that’s all he cares about

Surely somewhere should have taken it in as abandoned. How useless are they?

The dog warden is meant to deal with abandoned dogs.

The issue is OP that you have further eroded your boundaries in now agreeing to this. Your DC won't feel less sad next time he does it. And you can't use the excuse that your cats can't cope/need to work as you managed to this time. So your DC will expect it. I'd suggest the Freedom programme OP.

Please don’t contact RSPCA, they’ll put the poor dog to sleep

@Whatwillbreaknext I haven't agreed to anything. No kennel or shelter will take the dog. And im not exercising animal cruelty by just letting him loose on the streets/abandoning him in a flat.

And I also don't need 'excuses' now or in the future to say no to dog care. What i need is this incident officially recorded and a possible restraining order since he has trespassed my home.

I know this probably isn’t possible but I’d be tempted to keep the dog and tell him the kids love it to much and as he abandoned it he isn’t a fit pet owner!

She does not have a 'duty of care' to a dog that was dumped on her.

You could have taken the abandoned dog (yes it has been abandoned) to a vets for example and say you found it. Agreeing to care for this dog is going to go against any NMO applied for. You need to take some responsibility and put boundaries in place, the courts and police will not help with low level controlling behaviour and the more you give in, the more he will take and the less seriously you will be taken by authorities. 'This man is harassing me, you looked after my dog last week' ect. You need boundaries and the Freedom programme will help with that.

The kids let him in technically he was invited

@Whatwillbreaknext I know you mean well, but there's no freedom programme where i live.
And im fully capable of putting boundaries in place and taking responsibility. I feel a bit of victim blaming coming through in your post and i don't appreciate it.

My dc mental wellbeing is my top priority in all this (exh caused mayhem) and unfortunately just dumping their beloved pet to the vets would cause a huge trauma to them. It would also give exh ammunition to paint me as the evil bitch to my dc, which he tries to do all the time in the hope of alienating them from me.
But as i said. I tried to find a shelter or a kennel that would take him. No one will without payment (i wont/cant) or actually kicking the dog out on the street and pretending i dont know it (my dc would never forgive me, and im not like that to animals).

Once again vets do not offer a free kenneling service for healthy animals. Thry are likely to direct the OP to the dog warden who IS responsible for abandoned but well dogs. Given how much people hate paying vet fees it's remarkable the free services they expect to be offered!

Your DC seeing you accept abuse isn't good for them either. At some point, you will need boundaries. It is not victim blaming, it is the truth, it will not stop until you stop allowing it to happen.

You seem to have access to your Ex's flat. In that case I would go there and get more food for the dog - assuming Ex has bought enough at home for usual feeding - and perhaps some food/meals for your kids, since they're his kids too he won't mind supplying some food for them?

I can see why he's an ex, what a tosser.

This is a good idea, Ex is almost certain to have a stash of dog food in his flat.

At least demand that he transfers you money for dog food!

Update: exh has found someone to take the dog. This has upset dc13 because apparently exh has made him the dogs 'official owner'. I also heard exh tell dc13 on speaker that the dog has to go 'because mum doesn't want him there' and 'she doesnt care where he goes as long as hes out of her house'
Ive comforted dc through this. They know its dad who has acted wrong, but still defend him. They are trauma bonded to him and get their share of gaslighting from, so i understand its difficult for them.

Exh also gaslit me through dc conversation knowing i would hear. Saying things like 'see it was fine in the end, mum was overreacting'. Urghhhh!!! I would hate to be him. What a miserable, disgusting life he leads to treat your family members like this 🤮

@AllstarFacilier Demand money 🤣🤣 🤣 I can see you've never experienced a person like him, and im glad you havent. And lets hope you never will!

'because mum doesn't want him there' and 'she doesnt care where he goes as long as hes out of her house'

He's not your dog!

It's fine to not want him there due to cats & the hours you are out at work!

Does your son know where the dog will be going so that he can help if he wants to?

This, 100%. People advising you as if he's not abusive...

@Whatwillbreaknext Abuse does not require consent. Therefore i do not 'accept' abuse. And being a victim of abuse doesn't mean you need to become an abuser. In this case an animal abuser.
Your tone is very blameful. It's extremely difficult to stay true to your own core values when your boundaries are crossed, but that's the way i choose to live. My values are kindness and love to myself, my kids and everyone around me including animals. If someone behaves like a dickhead it's on them, and they will deal with the concequences by having reports against them filed etc. The ones suffering will not be the innocent animals or dc.

I admire you so much, well done in staying strong and true to yourself 👏🏻

Is was a test OP. He said jump, you said 'how high?' and he was reassured you are still fully under his control. He likely already had someone lined up but he needed to see you get it line first. If you had left dog at vets/in a built up area it would likely have been caught and rehomed when it became obvious there was no one in the country to care for it. Instead, it is stuck with this dick heads games and mistreatment. He knows how to guilt you into getting into line and until you say 'no, I need to prioritise my boundaries here' it will carry on. I'm really not attacking but until you change your response, nothing will change. I'm so glad it is sorted with the dog though.

@Whatwillbreaknext Well you have your right to manage your world the way you feel best.
I have mine. And i prefer my own approach 🙂

I am glad you are happy with your life and situation with your ex 😊 but should you ever wish to change it, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! I say this from both personal and professional experience. I wish you well OP.

Stop badgering her. She is trying to deal with a very manipulative, abusive, bully while also managing the children’s hopes and illusiions.

OP I do think you, ultimately, need some help reframing and defanging your ex’s psychological abuse. He is a high conflict/narcissistic abuser so has typucal strategies that are going to be repetitive and obvious.

while he was on speaker phone I would have burst out laughing at his excuses and minimizing and made fun of him. “Daddy is so impractical! He doesn’t understand how little flexibility and money working people have. Ddog needs constant care which working mummy can’t give it. Ex daddy should have asked first and thought the situation through. Silly daddy! Good thing I fixed his mess up!”

Whenever your children explain his reasoning just point out the logical or empathetic flaws in it. They need to learn how to understand and predict his toxic games .

The phrase we use now is “tricky” not bad or evil. We might say “daddy is a bit tricky! His plans don’t usually work out well.” Or “daddy is a bit tricky—he seems to offer things with strings attached.”