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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friends might come away with me and the kids now I'm a single mum

107 replies

Usedtobeslummy · 04/11/2024 21:54

Hi. I've a good group of friends of about 20 years. In those years have been on many hen dos, weddings, holidays. We've stripped wallpaper for each other etc, looked after each other's children. I'd say meet every six weeks and always get together for xmases etc. Trying to say that we like each other and do things for each other.

I've never married so no hen do or wedding for me, but all of them have. I think relevant to say my friends are wealthy by my measure, most with a combined income of 100k and some much more. All couples.

I split up with my ex and asked my friends if they'd do a group hol next year with kids. Yes, they said. I know they are v difficult to arrange but after sending lots of options it's clear it's not happening so I've booked for me and the kids. I wouldn't invite my parents just fyi.

I feel a bit sad about it. I know life is hard, there's never any time, lots of pressures. But I had hoped that someone might come for a few days to soften the blow of first holiday as a single parent / give me company in the evening etc. I also think it would be really good fun! Maybe it's too much to expect. But I feel sad that we've always done a lot for each other, including trips abroad for birthdays or weddings, but this isn't a priority for anyone, when I've never asked anyone to do anything for me before.

YABU - this pity holiday isn't a hen and you're unreasonable to think people should cater for you

YANBU it's fair to make the effort as a one off

OP posts:
betterangels · 08/11/2024 15:17

loudbatperson · 04/11/2024 22:03

I wouldn't want to holiday with other peoples children, so I don't blame them for not going. Although I would have said no right from the get go, not said yes and then pull out.

Same. They should have just said no from the off.

MrsB74 · 08/11/2024 17:18

goodkidsmaadhouse · 04/11/2024 22:05

I don’t think YABU OP. I love going on holidays with other families so I’m probably coming at this from a different place, but.

One of our friends was widowed a few years ago and we (I mean me and DH and other mutual friends) always make sure she and her DC have an invite on holidays. They don’t usually take it up but at least she knows that if she wants to holiday with other adults she has the option.

You sound lovely. I’m amazed more people don’t holiday (abroad) with friends and their families - we have done it quite a few times and loved it. I would hope I would do the same as you if any of my close friends were widowed or became single. To assume single friends are going to steal your husband is mad, but I’m not the jealous/paranoid type.

Lurkingonmn · 08/11/2024 18:26

I'm married, no kids and would absolutely consider holidaying with a single mum friend and her kids if I knew she felt that way.

IndigoLaFaye · 09/11/2024 21:00

No way I’d pay to go away on holiday with someone and their kids. Sorry not my thing at all.
Hopefully they are there for you in other ways but this is a big ask, time, money and patience.

Noodles1234 · 10/11/2024 11:59

I do see your points here, you’ve always accepted invites and hoped it would be reciprocated. Believe me I do understand.

i think you’d find more success in doing a weekend away renting a large house somewhere for one or two nights in this country. Going abroad or for longer than 1-2 nights starts to get difficult for others spending precious time away from their family unit. A week away it’s not just the money (which can be the main hurdling block for most), it’s the time and effort. Many only get 4-5 weeks off a year and most of that is childcare.

Sometimes I guess you have to try to bend if you want an overall result. Don’t feel bitter, you accepted and enjoyed previous events, now just alter your thinking, when the kids get older think about houses near say Alton Towers. Good luck.

Libby1233455 · 10/11/2024 15:06

Usedtobeslummy · 04/11/2024 21:54

Hi. I've a good group of friends of about 20 years. In those years have been on many hen dos, weddings, holidays. We've stripped wallpaper for each other etc, looked after each other's children. I'd say meet every six weeks and always get together for xmases etc. Trying to say that we like each other and do things for each other.

I've never married so no hen do or wedding for me, but all of them have. I think relevant to say my friends are wealthy by my measure, most with a combined income of 100k and some much more. All couples.

I split up with my ex and asked my friends if they'd do a group hol next year with kids. Yes, they said. I know they are v difficult to arrange but after sending lots of options it's clear it's not happening so I've booked for me and the kids. I wouldn't invite my parents just fyi.

I feel a bit sad about it. I know life is hard, there's never any time, lots of pressures. But I had hoped that someone might come for a few days to soften the blow of first holiday as a single parent / give me company in the evening etc. I also think it would be really good fun! Maybe it's too much to expect. But I feel sad that we've always done a lot for each other, including trips abroad for birthdays or weddings, but this isn't a priority for anyone, when I've never asked anyone to do anything for me before.

YABU - this pity holiday isn't a hen and you're unreasonable to think people should cater for you

YANBU it's fair to make the effort as a one off

Most people work insanely hard, and then get 4 weeks annual leave a year. On my rare annual leave, I just want to soak up and spend quality time with my own child, totally relax and not worry about social dynamics/niceities/ the children quarrelling, etc. this might play into it maybe?

Daisy12Maisie · 10/11/2024 15:14

The holidays with your kids will be really limited. Enjoy the time with just them.
I've taken mine away so many times on my own and it was a bit of a shock that my eldest left home at 16 to join the raf. Now we visit and he visits us but he doesn't want a holiday with us. His dad is now trying to take him to euro Disney in the summer. He doesn't want to go as he will be 18 with annual leave limitations and friends and a gf to spend time with. His dad is 10 years too late having not bothered to take them on holiday when they were little (he left when they were 2 and 4 and had never taken them on holiday.)
My point being you might only have time for 10 holidays with them. You will have better family memories if you go on your own.
The only person I would go out of my way for and scrape together money to take her toddler away is my sister. I wouldn't do it for a friend as I work really long hrs and when I'm on leave from work I have jobs to catch up on, I want to see friends or I want to relax.
You don't need your friends you will have better memories with the kids on your own. Otherwise the kids will play together and you will be chatting with the adults.
Just my opinion as someone who would love to take my children on a holiday just me and them.

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