To think friends might come away with me and the kids now I'm a single mum

[Usedtobeslummy]

Hi. I've a good group of friends of about 20 years. In those years have been on many hen dos, weddings, holidays. We've stripped wallpaper for each other etc, looked after each other's children. I'd say meet every six weeks and always get together for xmases etc. Trying to say that we like each other and do things for each other.

I've never married so no hen do or wedding for me, but all of them have. I think relevant to say my friends are wealthy by my measure, most with a combined income of 100k and some much more. All couples.

I split up with my ex and asked my friends if they'd do a group hol next year with kids. Yes, they said. I know they are v difficult to arrange but after sending lots of options it's clear it's not happening so I've booked for me and the kids. I wouldn't invite my parents just fyi.

I feel a bit sad about it. I know life is hard, there's never any time, lots of pressures. But I had hoped that someone might come for a few days to soften the blow of first holiday as a single parent / give me company in the evening etc. I also think it would be really good fun! Maybe it's too much to expect. But I feel sad that we've always done a lot for each other, including trips abroad for birthdays or weddings, but this isn't a priority for anyone, when I've never asked anyone to do anything for me before.

YABU - this pity holiday isn't a hen and you're unreasonable to think people should cater for you

YANBU it's fair to make the effort as a one off

i have voted yabu unless you are offering to pay for them. Presumably you wanted to go away on the hen nights? I have no desire to go away with other peoples kids-sorry. I have a couple of friends I would go away with, including their kids, but generally I’m not that keen on other peoples children. We have very similar parenting styles and the kids get on and like the same things. It has only occurred once in 15 years though and I’m fine with that. I wouldn’t spend my hard earned cash or money doing something unless I really wanted to but maybe I’m selfish?

A family holiday is me dh and the children. A friend trip is child free.

I also wouldn’t go to an overnight trip hen party.

Maybe a big group camping and I mean inviting the friends their dh’s their children, child free friends and their partners too. Like hiring a whole field for cooking on open fire and late night drinks under the stars carefree wild fun.

Hmm

People are funny about single mothers.

If you want the joint family experience perhaps plan something in a long weekend, and reasonably local

Have you had holidays (1) for the whole group and (2) recently?

If so, that's a pity if they don't want to do it now you're single

If not, perhaps unrealistic to expect it for a holiday. Perhaps one friend and children might come for a weekend away?

I wouldn't want to holiday with other peoples children, so I don't blame them for not going. Although I would have said no right from the get go, not said yes and then pull out.

I wouldn’t go away on holiday with someone else and their kids. I would be happy to go on a girls weekends or a weekend away where we all brought our kids. But holidays need time off work and I keep that for family and childcare

No, not offering to pay.

Some of the hen dos were expensive and definitely not what I would have chosen to do. But I wouldn't have not wanted to join in. It wouldn't have occurred to me to not go.

Yes we have all done camping before but everyone found it quite hard work (which it is) and said never camping again! Have done weekends away in big houses with kids.

I don’t think YABU OP. I love going on holidays with other families so I’m probably coming at this from a different place, but.

One of our friends was widowed a few years ago and we (I mean me and DH and other mutual friends) always make sure she and her DC have an invite on holidays. They don’t usually take it up but at least she knows that if she wants to holiday with other adults she has the option.

Did you all holiday together with kids before you were single? If not, it seems like you are using them to cover your costs now that you no longer have a partner to share costs with.

ive found that most women don’t want their partner on a holiday where a single mother is around - they see you as a threat .
But hardly any will admit to it.

The costs part doesn't really come into it - we'd all pay our way for our own hotel rooms

Have holidayed before with kids and without. More times without.

What about caravans/lodges/bell tents?

You mention hotel which to me is boring in the U.K. or abroad and I’m not doing a mates holiday aboard

Look up the single parent travel club on Facebook where single parents arrange cheap group holidays and trips

I would recommend looking at single parent holiday companies or Facebook groups to find like minded people in similar situations

I’ll be honest OP when my son was younger I had a great group of mum friend's but the idea of going on holiday with other peoples kids and spending a week together is my idea of hell.

I really enjoyed my holidays with my DS as a single mum. He was a teen by then so we stayed round the hotel and pool during day then went out for dinner. Later on we’d find a bar with a pool table or music and he’d chat to other teens while I sat with a large wine people watching. I was really anxious the first time but it was a fabulous week of bonding.

I don't think it's comparable to a hen weekend. Trying to find something that suits different families and different holiday dates is very different from an adult only weekend. I think stick to your weekends away and find somewhere for just you and kids that suits for holidays abroad.

Campmates - look them up on fb - they do holidays in new forest and in Spain in Oct half term.
Yanbu to be sad but don't let it get you down or affect your friendship.
High Adventure holidays are also marvellous

But did you used to holiday as a couple/family with other families, when you had a spouse?

In my experience, that will be the difference. I got excluded from families of friends trips once I was a single Mum as well.

Trying to arrange a whole group to commit to something is too hard. Diaries don't match up, people need to keep their annual leave for family holidays, nothing suits everyone. Maybe next year just ask the person you are closest to first, then offer it out to the wider group. Or suggest an adults only weekend when your kids are with their dad.

Thanks I will try those groups.

I totally agree OP, YANBU. The summer after I split up with exH, the nicest thing some friends did was invite me and the DC with them on holiday. They made out like they’d been given an extra big chalet anyway, so there was a sofa bed for me and the kids bunked up together, but I think they did it on purpose, it was such a lovely gesture.

I also went on a camping holiday a few years later with a friend and her DC, no husband. We had a brilliant time.

On the other hand, holidays are really expensive these days so it depends what type of holiday you mean. I would maybe pick one really close friend, and be really honest about it, and suggest something really easy and cheap, like camping or a big air bnb, or go to London or a big city and book family rooms in a premier inn.

I have also had some fab holidays just me and my DC. I took mine to Barcelona when they were 8 and 6, they are teens now and they still talk about it! We stayed up late and went out for tapas, then when they were asleep I read my book with a glass of wine on the tiny balcony in the hotel room 😊

I am in a similar situation to you and my friends do holiday with me but I don’t push it. I do ask if they’d like to go on holiday to show interest but then I wait until it is suitable for them. I think you can be disappointed but also understand that sometimes the timings just don’t work and you might have to wait until they do. I am very flexible so happy to tag along with what they want.
The only thing I would say is that I’ve created a bit of an issue in that my DC are refusing to go on holiday without other families there as that’s all we’ve done so maybe going on you own is a good thing (although I know it’s harder).

I'd also recommend this group, I've met and holidayed with other single parents when my child was younger.

Maybe it's not about you, perhaps you friends just think that group holidays are too hard work? Group holidays can be great, but they can also be tricky, tricky to manage different expectations, tricky when children in different families have different rules, tricky when some people have more money than others, different taste in food, etc.