To think friends might come away with me and the kids now I'm a single mum

[Usedtobeslummy]

Hi. I've a good group of friends of about 20 years. In those years have been on many hen dos, weddings, holidays. We've stripped wallpaper for each other etc, looked after each other's children. I'd say meet every six weeks and always get together for xmases etc. Trying to say that we like each other and do things for each other.

I've never married so no hen do or wedding for me, but all of them have. I think relevant to say my friends are wealthy by my measure, most with a combined income of 100k and some much more. All couples.

I split up with my ex and asked my friends if they'd do a group hol next year with kids. Yes, they said. I know they are v difficult to arrange but after sending lots of options it's clear it's not happening so I've booked for me and the kids. I wouldn't invite my parents just fyi.

I feel a bit sad about it. I know life is hard, there's never any time, lots of pressures. But I had hoped that someone might come for a few days to soften the blow of first holiday as a single parent / give me company in the evening etc. I also think it would be really good fun! Maybe it's too much to expect. But I feel sad that we've always done a lot for each other, including trips abroad for birthdays or weddings, but this isn't a priority for anyone, when I've never asked anyone to do anything for me before.

YABU - this pity holiday isn't a hen and you're unreasonable to think people should cater for you

YANBU it's fair to make the effort as a one off

A hen do is different from a holiday. A hen do is usually a maximum of one or two nights away, whereas a holiday is presumably for a week. It would have been lovely if one of your friends had been up for it, but I don't think it's surprising that they're not. Holidays are generally family time.

You suggested something that works for you, however, for whatever reason, it doesn’t work for them.

When my SIL first got divorced, she several times suggested a week away with us including all kids. I could see why it would work for her, but there was no way I wanted to use precious annual leave to spend a a hard self catering week with someone who doesn’t cook, has fussy eating kids ( as do I) and has different interests and temperaments. I really like her, but no way. Also the way she asked annoyed me, it was more ‘let’s all go on a lovely holiday together, it will be great!Here are some dates.’ Said in a group setting. Rather than quietly individually asking, so that I could fob her off politely, without having to mention her screechy kids and her culinary laziness! In the end I got DH to fob her off, but was surprised that she only saw it from her own angle.

I don't think you were unreasonable to ask or to be upset they didn't just openly say no, but you're unreasonable to feel slighted that they won't come.

People have limited holiday allowances from work that they need to prioritise family holidays and other ad hoc events. Using 5 days of holiday on a trip with another family is a big ask in the first place, doubly so if you're only inviting mums and kids or the mums would be coming alone.

It's also hard to pick a holiday that would suit multiple families. Anything cheap (camping in the UK) ends up being a lot more hassle and more chance of being crap, and anything easy day to day with guaranteed good weather etc (all inclusive abroad) ends up being expensive.

If you invited everyone in the group, it was never going to work. Too many dates to make match up. And when you invite a whole group that big, smaller splinter plans never really happen either as no one feels the need to take the lead and/or people feel bad ploughing ahead saying "well we can do X, so let's do it without the others".

I say this gently op, but you sound a little entitled. They do not need to make up for the loss of your relationship or the fact you didn’t get married.

It sounds like you are expecting them to step up, snd start making things easier for you - when in fact a friend’s role is to at most emotionally support you, maybe organise the odd dinner to cheer you up. Not to take over where your dp has left off.

You are expecting too much of them, and I would hate to see them distance themselves a little as a result. Unfortunately ( or fortunately for some) life as a single person is going to require you to be very independent and getting on with life on your own largely, that is the reality of this. Whilst some embrace others are fearful, clearly this is hard for you 💐

I've done this - gone away my kids with other mums and kids. Also as a single no kids with friends and their kids. Hook was I owned the villa - so no accommodation costs for them!
It's hard to arrange a holiday even with friends who's kids are all adults (so I mean just with my friends) - people either use their holiday time to visit family or go away with their spouse. I'm a widow not interested in going away with a couple. I've only managed it with another single female friends.

I'm a single parent and yes holidays alone with kids can be daunting but honestly this is something you need to get used to. Big girl pants etc.

I'm sure your friends care for you but ultimately family holidays are family holidays and a completely different vibe to hen weekends

I just wouldn't want to be nagged about next summer in November tbh.

Feels too much like locking in.

I wouldn't want to holiday with someone else's children. The holiday is likely to be child focused, understandably and it just wouldn't work for me

I wouldn’t go on holiday with someone else’s children. I just wouldn’t.

Annual leave is sacred, there’s not enough of it, and after a ‘holiday’ with kids, you need another holiday to recover. Doesn’t matter how ‘good’ the kids are - all children require hard work. It’s not a criticism of them or their parents - just that you are “always on.” That’s not relaxing to me.

If you could find childcare (kindly relative to take them in for the weekend), I’d happily do a short break though. That’s about as much as I’m prepared to do for friends!

I would not go with a single mum friend and her children if I was alone, but I would take my family away with hers for sure. I have quite a few single friends and have often wondered if they would like that or not. They have never asked me though.

I don't think that anyone has an obligation to go away with you, and I find you comparing it to going on a hen do is quite odd.

That said group holidays can be fun! I'd suggest somewhere where you can have your own "unit" whilst sharing days out etc is better than large houses. So individual caravans on a caravan site or farm cottages on a farm site, rather than one large rental property. No one takes responsibility for anyone else's children/family unit, you just choose to meet up for days out as people feel like it.

Not everyone is going to go on a group holiday, so open it up to whoever wants to go, and whoever wants to come along can. If you're waiting for everyone to agree on something, it'll simply never happen.

If you are the one who is most motivated, then you will need to be the one doing the heavy lifting when it comes to organisation and arrangements.

Have you ever done a trip just you and your kids? I've been a single mom most of her life and we travel often. Try it. You might really enjoy it.

YABU, your expectations are too high for this stage of life I'm afraid.

Hen dos happen when you're all younger, with more energy and fewer responsibilities. There is really no comparison there. I have a friend who wanted an extravagant hen do recently as she had been on loads of other ones. But those hen dos were 5+ years ago. All those friends have babies and mortgages now and can't blow their holiday money and limited vacation on an expensive hen do.

I would absolutely not go on holiday with just my child, without DH or another relative, out of choice. Sorry, it sucks for you, but why would I purposely make my life harder when I don't need to?

I would be willing to go on a child free girls holiday but that's not what you are suggesting.

And if you include DHs, then they need to look at their work schedules etc. It becomes a scheduling problem. Basically, I think once people have kids, it takes a miracle for everyone to be available for a holiday all at the same time.

Tricky. It depends how much leave they and their husbands get if they are working, do they use it to cover school holidays? Would this mean no family holiday? I probably would go for a long weekend rather than a full week assuming the kids get along. It is a different ask to a hen do or birthday as that is in celebration of something so I can see why it is viewed differently, especially if it has only been suggested because you are alone now. However I can also understand why you feel hurt. I don’t think anyone is being unreasonable

Hi OP. There are some lovely mum and children holidays around if you Google it. Perfect for people who want adult company but don't have a partner or friends willing to come.

How old are your kids OP?
Mine are 17 & 13 and are now good company on holiday and also I can elave them in the room or whereever if I want to go for a drink in the evening.

When they were smaller we would often holiday with friends - usually camping - but I would go with other single mums and their DC. I can't think of a time I've been on holiday with another 2 parent family.

People have limited holiday time so try not to be too upset.

Do you have any friends who are single parents? They might be more up for it.

Alternatively make your days busy and physically challenging so you are looking forward to an early night.

I think YABU, sorry.

I'm a lone parent and I've taken DS away on my own since he was 2 years old. It's always been great. We've travelled to 4 different continents together.

A low cost weekend away like camping or a premier inn type thing in the U.K. which is addition to your normal holiday may be an easier ask than sharing their main holiday with you I think it is very tricky to balance everyone's needs with this sort of thing, quite unlike a hen weekend (which are usually disastrous according to Mumsnet)

It's probably not that they don't want to it's just hard to fit it in, I'd rather use my precious time off work and holiday budget on family time, having friends join in on holidays changes the dynamic

Op did you ask them to join you solo and leave their family behind to hang out with your kids? Or did you ask them to bring their kids but not husbands? Or ask them to bring their family too?

That wasn’t entirely clear to me either @Unexpectedlysinglemum . If the OP is asking a friend/some friends to come on holiday without their own families, to keep her company, I think she does need to partially treat them, tbh.

I asked a friend to stay in a holiday cottage with us last year as I wanted to see her and we did cover her accommodation and most of her meals.

She literally said anyone is welcome, even grandparents

@MiddleClassProblem Thanks, we missed that update.

No problemo! 🙂

I do think I would be very picky on a big group friends holiday if I was to accept as well.

How much is it for something that’s not my choice of preferred holiday, how is it value for money compared to what I / my children like.

So say camping ok. Cheap and cheerful ish can cook all meal if you want and shop at a local aldi or Lidl or you can spend out on all meals every day your choice.

Where as again say a travel lodge in Blackpool hotel is already more than camping, but I don’t have to put up a tent. But all meals will have to be out now as zero cooking facilities. All day will be spent out basically spending or on the beach only as can’t do anything as tiny room.

YABU on the grounds that you want them there ‘because you’re a single mum’. That’s entitled in my opinion. With all due respect, your situation is not their fault or problem.