To think friends might come away with me and the kids now I'm a single mum

[Usedtobeslummy]

Hi. I've a good group of friends of about 20 years. In those years have been on many hen dos, weddings, holidays. We've stripped wallpaper for each other etc, looked after each other's children. I'd say meet every six weeks and always get together for xmases etc. Trying to say that we like each other and do things for each other.

I've never married so no hen do or wedding for me, but all of them have. I think relevant to say my friends are wealthy by my measure, most with a combined income of 100k and some much more. All couples.

I split up with my ex and asked my friends if they'd do a group hol next year with kids. Yes, they said. I know they are v difficult to arrange but after sending lots of options it's clear it's not happening so I've booked for me and the kids. I wouldn't invite my parents just fyi.

I feel a bit sad about it. I know life is hard, there's never any time, lots of pressures. But I had hoped that someone might come for a few days to soften the blow of first holiday as a single parent / give me company in the evening etc. I also think it would be really good fun! Maybe it's too much to expect. But I feel sad that we've always done a lot for each other, including trips abroad for birthdays or weddings, but this isn't a priority for anyone, when I've never asked anyone to do anything for me before.

YABU - this pity holiday isn't a hen and you're unreasonable to think people should cater for you

YANBU it's fair to make the effort as a one off

I really like going on holiday with just my children! They are 16 and 10 now so it’s a bit different, but it’s been enjoyable to go away just the three of us for a good number of years.

I think people don’t always want to do family holidays in groups- some do but it can be quite fraught and can end in falling out. But maybe that’s just how I feel and I’m projecting that on others!

I think you need to seek out other families who want this. I did a fantastic group holiday with DS this year

Seems a big ask tbh. They will only get so much annual leave and their husbands. They probably want to use it as a family , and have already allocated / planned where they want to go on holiday and funds. Also might be icky- mixing holidays can be quite tricky , so I don’t think they are being unreasonable at all. However- I have single friends who take their kids on jet 2 holidays and they always make friends so that’s maybe an option!

I would do this with friends if I could afford it and it was a cruise so we could make use of the kids clubs and have some fun girl time, and also not be in each others pockets. But I am unusual in that my husband hates to holiday and I am already sad all my old holiday friends stopped coming with me when I had children!

I think it depends what you are asking...are you just wanting your friend, or your friend plus their kids or your friend plus their DH and their kids. I think it is a tall order to get anyone else to come just with you and your kids as if they are doing that kind of holiday they generally seem to want to be either with the girls.or with their own family. I've noticed that where I was really close with one family, another family that had a man in it to keep my friends OH entertained now get far more invitations than I do.

I'm a single parent and can see that having friends on holiday is an advantage for me, but not necessarily for them!

I'd love the company and people to socialise with. They'd probably prefer to spend their holiday sharing time with their partner, not playing catch in the pool with my child.

I did learn to love my solo holiday. I enjoy all inclusive and the simple joy of not menu planning.

Bluntly, OP, group holidays, unless both adults and children gel really well, and agree on destinations, catering activities, how much contact to have while away (do you do everything together? Do different things and get together for dinner?) etc etc can be very risky and end up putting an incredible strain on friendships. I have lots of friends but there’s only one couple and their children we go away with, because it’s tried and tested.

This was kind of my thinking too op and I say that as a single parent. Annual leave is precious when you have kids who get sick and have school/ nursery closures and different bits and bobs you need to get off work for even when it's split with a partner. So for me I wouldn't be going away with someone without my kids and a partner if I had one because that would probably end up being my family holiday for the year not even considering cost.

I'd suggest going as a big group as well. If your dc can play together so you can enjoy time with the adults without having to entertain them then that's even better. But ultimately I think getting people bought into this idea is hard. I have very different taste in hols to my friends, as much as I love them dearly there's very few I'd actually want to go on holidays with. I think as others have suggested an airbnb weekend long style trip would be much more realistic.

I would go with you!
I think the issue often is the planning is tricky with big groups as people want different things, and the dates might be tricky too to line up when people are free
How have you approached them? If you're vague it might seem a lot of effort. If you suggest a particular venue, research likely ballpark costs and give some options of dates that might be more appealing? Or get the agreement of one particular friend for a place and date and then open it up to others "we're going here all welcome to join" type thing
If they aren't keen on a longer trip then try a weekend in the UK. It can build in future years if everyone enjoys it.

I regularly holiday with friends and the key is for everyone to do what they want, together or apart. So some days people might all do something together but more often people will join with smaller groups often with similar aged kids or those without kids or depending on fitness levels. Meals would tend to be fairly flexible too - a few people would join together in a cooking group depending on what they like to eat and what time they want to eat.
Someone generally suggests a venue, books it if others are keen, and then people arrange their own flights transfers car hire etc.
Camping is definitely easier just because of flexibility on numbers especially as kids need to be in certain rooms but we've done lots of indoor accommodation too over the years

OP, I really wouldn't feel disappointed with your friends if I were you. Going on a group holiday isn't for everyone - I think it isn't for most people. The only one we ever did was with two friends. We had separate houses on the same complex and did different things during the day more or less - a bit of texting about going for a swim - and then got together for dinner. There were still moments of tension. I loved it but it required a fair bit of navigating.

I love my friends but have no desire to go on holidays with them.

OP did you just suggest a group holiday or did you suggest and explain that you needed support getting through this first holiday as a single parent?

If you haven’t articulated your feelings and needs to them they might not understand what you’re really asking for. Even if they can’t commit to joining you on the holiday they might be able to offer phone support, pop down for a day visit or something…

I’m sorry, this sounds very hard and disappointing.
Please don’t take it that your friends don’t love and want to support you. Personally I would find this request difficult in your friends shoes. I only have a limited amount of annual leave and money for holidays so it would be difficult to justify allotting that to a friends holiday when I feel I would probably have more quality time with my kids if we just went on holiday as a nuclear family.

When I was a single parent I had a couple of camping trips with another single mum (my roomie) and our kids. Our kids were 2-3 yrs old. Just the four of us.

Surely half the reason is that they're just not ready to think about next year's holiday yet? Maybe just me but we tend to book ours late winter/early spring. At this time I'm just trying to get over half term and focus on Christmas and wouldn't be committing to a group holiday.

I went on holiday with my DD, and my friend and her DH and their DDs, when our dc were in juniors for a mutual friend's wedding abroad. It was not terrible and we had a good time but never again, their DDs had very different interests to my DD and were fussy eaters, whereas my DD was older and liked her own space, and they had the biggest bedrooms.

FWIW, I have done holidays as a single parent and had an excellent time.

This is never going to work well with so many people.
A long girls weekend, child free, would have had been easier for them.
Family holidays and annual leave is really precious op, and you can’t blame them at all for wanting to go away and relax. Group holidays are not relaxing, yes they are fun, but not relaxing.

I understand you might find it daunting going away by yourself, but you will have to get used to it at some point. Why not organise a girls spa break or similar?

You going to have different priorities and outlook to them at least in the short term,

I think you need to be mindful of that op, and placing too much expectation and/or pressure on your friends, especially if they are working full time and juggling multiple children. Assuming your ex has your dc some of the time, you are likely to have more free time than them, they are also maintaining a relationship too. Your life has changed, but their lives haven’t, you can’t expect them to plug the gap.

Unless your parenting is pretty much identical this is a recipe for disaster.

I don't see the connection with a hen weekend and a holiday with children

Most people just don't get that much annual leave & they want to spend most of it with their own family.

I hate group holidays unless its my own siblings, i think a lot of people hate group holidays.

A lot of people want to chill/do nothing away from other people in their evenings, not provide adult company for a friend

I couldn't spare annual leave or money to holiday with a friend as it takes away from my family and that's my priority. I also hate going away with other people, especially other people's kids.

Yabu
Holidays are expensive and time off is precious.
That is for my own family time.
If ot was a "girls" weekend or something child free i might go.

It sounds like the group is hard to pin down due to size. In your shoes I would make a firm holiday plan with one or two friends who could commit and then leave it open to anyone else who wanted to join or just do a child free girls weekend that would be the time equivalent of a hen party.

Unfortunately big groups are difficult to organise particularly when people have kids and their own priorities and if your suggestion is too vague you'll end up with loads of clashing ideas.

Hi @Usedtobeslummy One thing I learned about my separation and divorce is who out of my long term friends would actually put the effort in when I needed it.

After years and years of being a great friend to others and always being there for support and cheerleading when it doesn’t come back - when you need it it’s very deflating/upsetting/lonely.

Dont take it personally, some people are too wrapped up in their own lives

The only holidays I've been on with other people's children involved (other than camping trips) are with my siblings, with whom I feel relaxed. Even holidays as a couple with another couple can be tricky if you have different expectations and ideas of fun. Plus they are expensive. I'd rather spend my money where I know I can choose what to do all the time and know that I don't have to take other people's interests (other than my DH and kids) into account. I'm fine too with group holidays with strangers, though haven't done that many.