To think friends might come away with me and the kids now I'm a single mum

[Usedtobeslummy]

Hi. I've a good group of friends of about 20 years. In those years have been on many hen dos, weddings, holidays. We've stripped wallpaper for each other etc, looked after each other's children. I'd say meet every six weeks and always get together for xmases etc. Trying to say that we like each other and do things for each other.

I've never married so no hen do or wedding for me, but all of them have. I think relevant to say my friends are wealthy by my measure, most with a combined income of 100k and some much more. All couples.

I split up with my ex and asked my friends if they'd do a group hol next year with kids. Yes, they said. I know they are v difficult to arrange but after sending lots of options it's clear it's not happening so I've booked for me and the kids. I wouldn't invite my parents just fyi.

I feel a bit sad about it. I know life is hard, there's never any time, lots of pressures. But I had hoped that someone might come for a few days to soften the blow of first holiday as a single parent / give me company in the evening etc. I also think it would be really good fun! Maybe it's too much to expect. But I feel sad that we've always done a lot for each other, including trips abroad for birthdays or weddings, but this isn't a priority for anyone, when I've never asked anyone to do anything for me before.

YABU - this pity holiday isn't a hen and you're unreasonable to think people should cater for you

YANBU it's fair to make the effort as a one off

You might have more luck with others who have DC? I've been away a couple of times with a group of Ds's friends and their parents (some are single, some couples, some only one parent goes, others both). It's worked out pretty well, so nice to have some adults to chill with while the kids have a good time together.

it sounds like you didn’t go on holiday together when you wasn’t single so can’t really expect it now.

off topic but those fb holidays sound like my idea of hell what could go wrong with meeting up with a load of strangers on a holiday 🤔

I’d go with my friend. In your circumstance you’d bet I’d be there. Dh would see me and dc off with a cheery wave as well.

Just because a few replies don’t see it from your point of view does not mean you are wrong. They just wouldn’t do it for their friend.

Organising a holiday for a large group is tricky - trying to adapt and incorporate everyone's preferences can lead to all sorts of problems! Do you have one particular friend who you could ask rather than a whole group? We always camped with one other couple family and a single mum friend with 3 kids when ours were little. It was great and we took turns cooking and minding the kids etc but I think it would have been harder with more than 3 families.

Maybe take a cruise? Lots of entertainment for kids and you get to meet people there.

Or even round for dinner, it’s so cringe how you’re a threat all of a sudden.

I went away with 1 couple & the 3 single mums last year! (All the mums friends) I don’t think I’d do it again. I just think others kids & people wanting to do different things makes for a bit of a naff holiday! Camping, yes. Holiday abroad, no.

Having read your OP again I wonder if it is too big a group. That makes it tricky if it’s not just a small number of families. Trying to get a date that fits a larger group including everyone in each family can be really tricky. Also, were you asking for a full week (or more). I often do long weekends with friends as they find that more affordable and they can still do their main family holiday on their own.

Have you had an honest conversation with any of them about how much it would mean to you, or have the conversations been more of a casual ‘anyone fancy a group trip?’

It may be they’re a bit wrapped up in their own stuff and haven’t clocked that you might be anxious about going away on your own. Have they been generally supportive since your split?

I'd suggested anything - uk weekend away, camping, villa abroad.

I do think the number made it very difficult. Was surprised that it couldn't work out with one or two families. Suggested we could cross over too (ie not all week together)

Would a girls’ weekend while the DC are with their dad be an option?

They've been supportive yes, but limited due to the busyness of life. I've also not wanted to ruin a get together by sobbing into a drink as they're often to celebrate a birthday.

Yes that's more doable.

You need another single parent friend op.

Couples won't want to go on holiday with you.

There's a few single parent holiday type companies that I used when dd was younger and they were good fun.

Thinking about it more, could you start slowly by having some day trips out together with the DC, if you don’t already? How old are the DC? When I was first a single
parent, daytime play dates or having friends and their kids over for dinner (and then the kids watching a movie while we drank wine) was my social life 🤣

I feel for you, OP. I hugely get where you’re coming from.

The one thing I’m thinking is, you’re seeing it as “I came to your hen do and wedding and spent all that money to be there for you, would be nice if you could be there for me now” … and I bet they just aren’t seeing this holiday situation in this way. I doubt they are being unkind or not good friends by not wanting to come, it just won’t have occurred to them that this is what you need from them right now. They’ll just see it as you trying ti organise a fun holiday and it’s not really working out. They won’t link it to all the times you went on holiday (aka hen do) for them. But I don’t think there’s really a way around this as you can’t exactly say “I came to your hen, now come on this holiday with me.” Is there one particular close friend you can confide in about the situation? Or a friend or two you could go away with, without the kids?

Try not to feel too hurt by your friends as I just don’t think they’ll realise what this means to you.

I’ve said YABU but maybe I misunderstood. We have a few friends who we have holidayed with before and I would happily go away with one of them + kids as long as my husband could come too. I wouldn’t want to go on holiday without my husband as a) we have so little time together anyway and b) I don’t want to have to solo parent all week. I thought you were suggesting a mums and kids only holiday which I wouldn’t want to do.

Did you explicitly say "I'm dreading my first solo holiday with the kids, would anyone be up to coming along as support?", or did you say "anyone fancy a group holiday?".

You're linking it to hens and weddings but they may not be seeing it that way at all. To them it may just be any other group trip that they don't have the time/money/headspace for.

Do they know the reasoning/emotional significance of this holiday?

I feel like they may not have realised and might just think it’s just a holiday rather than one to support you (and the kids) on your first holiday since the split.

I think that's right - im sure theyre not thinking of it in that way.

I haven't explicitly said it as tbh I thought they'd be up for it and then as it became clear they're not I'd rather not put pressure on if they don't fancy it.

Yes it was all welcome. Husbands, grandparents, anyone!

I think the reality probably is that I need to find someone else to go away with if this is that important to me.

I think you should just be up front about it. Just say. It doesn’t have to be emotional pressure it equally if it’s never occurred to them that’s what you need then they don’t have the full understanding.

Yes true, can be factual.

Op did you ask them to join you solo and leave their family behind to hang out with your kids? Or did you ask them to bring their kids but not husbands? Or ask them to bring their family too? I don't think anyone would have the budget to leave their kids to go away with someone else's kids - a ladies only holiday yes but if you're on a kids holiday you want your own kids there or you miss them?

My friend (child free) recently came on holiday with me and my toddler - it was her idea as I was moaning that my companion voucher was going to expire so she said let's go somewhere and we did! I think she will rethink doing it again as it was so stressful 😩

I have also done a holiday with another single mum friend to a hotel which was good but chaotic as we all went in different directions and on different schedules

I think you need to make a single mum friend! Ask around they'll be about!

And I've done family holiday with my parents.

I've pretty much always been a single Mum and our best holiday ever was to a Haven site. Friends were all in couples and their holidays were quite rightly family holidays, as was mine.
It was just all about them, the activities on site, the beach, the pool, even the caravan was exciting!
It bonded us so much. We had the best time.
It was a private rental, we paid for the week and the owner let us stay an extra 3 nights for our deposit price (50£!)
Happy days.
We went 2 years on the trot.

Don't dismiss holidaying alone with your children... It really is amazing, plus you'll meet families wherever you go.

My eldest has a daughter of his own now, do me and the youngest (16) have gone to the Canary islands just me and her for the last 3 years.

Happiest of times were in the caravan though all together.

How old are the kids? This would be a factor for me. 0-6 months = yes. 6 months - 10years = no. Anything above that = yes.