17 year old - should we give him money?

[spongecanary]

It's a bit of a long one but I just can't decide whether we are being unreasonable or not.

We don't give our 17 old pocket money as he doesn't help out around the house, we have had lengthy conversations explaining all the responsibilities of a household and asked him to just help out with something every day, ranging from feeding the fish to putting the bins out, but he just can't be bothered. We tried GoHenry a couple of years ago with good opportunities to earn money but he wasn't interested. He had a job in the summer and we advised him to save up for when the job ended but of course he didn't listen.
He has now changed colleges and we have said he has to pay for the bus himself. It's a bit of a long walk but it is walking distance and not much further than his old school which he used to walk to every day. He doesn't want to walk and I don't know if we are being unreasonable expecting him to pay for the bus if he wants to get it.

We put him on our insurance to try and teach him to drive but he wasn't interested as it's too much effort. This puts me off giving him lifts as he has had the opportunity to learn to drive.

He is making minimal effort to get a job. We are reluctant to start giving him money now as I don't want him to learn that he can just get handouts if he doesn't bother doing anything, we really want to instill a good work ethic in him but it's really hard.

I think if he was to make an effort in looking for a job, make an effort at college (third time sitting GCSEs and he is doing no more work than the first two times), help out around the house (even if I do persuade him to do something it's always half arsed so I have to redo it), put the effort in to learn to drive, I might feel differently but I am really reluctant to enable his laziness by giving him money every week.

Are we being unreasonable?

How can he pay for bus fares if you don’t give him any money ?

I personally would pay for him to get to college and for lunch. For me that’s a normal parent expense whilst they are not working full time

By doing jobs around the house which the OP mentioned

If it’s his third time sitting GCSEs then I would be more concerned about that tbh - sounds like he needs extra support of some kind .
The added pressure of working is maybe just too much for him whilst trying to study - not all kids are academic and need to put all of their attention into their studies .

@fidgety31 Well he wouldn't pay for bus fares if he didn't have the money, he would walk. But that's my question, is it unreasonable to expect him to walk instead of giving him money for the bus.

He just doesn't put the effort in, he is more than capable but refuses to do any revision in his spare time as that's his "free time" . He has had all of half term to revise but instead he has just slept in until the afternoon and sat on his Xbox.

Has he always been like this?
You say he’s doing his GCSE’s for the 3rd time,
that seems pretty dispiriting
Or is this depression?

I think it would be mean not to sub his bus fare (lunch also).
Also be mindful of the fact that he might be approached by some random county lines individual who would offer him all the money he wants without the need to 'work'. That would be tempting if he really doesn't get or earn his own money.
I would be more concerned about his complete lack of drive to want to do anything. Could he be depressed?
The exams situation sounds ver serious. Could you help him with his studies by hiring tutors?

He has always had the attitude of not wanting to do well at school unfortunately. He's a very upbeat person, he is likeable and popular, he hasn't changed in terms of I'm quite confident he isn't depressed, he just doesn't care whether the gets his GCSEs or not. He is just very set in his ways about not doing any work outside of school/college which I have wondered if it's a generational thing as the younger people at work have a similar attitude.

I give my 17yo bus fare and dinner money for college, however she does help around the house when needed and she has applied for several jobs but hasn't been successful. I don't know if I'd feel differently if she was lazy around the house/made no effort with college or to try and get a job, you say he did have a job so presumably he made the effort there?

How worrying for you. Does he have any aspirations? Any hobbies? what does he want to do with his life? Is he having opportunities to see what is possible if you do well?

He can get himself a part time job like other 17 year olds do, but he's far too lazy.

I used to pay for my 3 daughters bus fare and lunch, they used to get some their child benefit money,

He was only working 10 hours a week through the summer holidays and was earning really good money, he didn't want to pick up any more hours though even when there was the opportunity because again that is his "free time". He was also late / had a couple of days off because he couldn't be bothered. He doesn't seem to understand that it's letting people down if you don't turn up for work. Again, I feel like it might be a generational thing but it makes it hard to know what to do because I have never had that attitude and often juggled 3 jobs even when I was not much older than him. My parents never gave me handouts and I didn't expect them to. I think this is why we struggle because my partner and I had very different attitudes.

OP you are not being unreasonable at all. He can't even be bothered helping with small jobs around the house, he needs a reality check as that's not going to help him as he gets older. Lay down some rules with him, some clear boundaries. It's not like you're asking for a lot!

Did you expect them to help out around the house, tidy their room etc or would you give them extra pocket money for that?

I wouldn't give it. He can walk to college if it's not much further than the distance he used to walk to school. I would make sure things were in the house for him to take to college for his lunch so he can make himself something, but I wouldn't give him money to buy lunch, that's a luxury to me.

Nah make him walk lazy fucker.

i had a job from 14 onwards (Saturday girl shop job, pubs, cafes etc) and I’m not even ancient (in my 30s). It’s good to have some of your own money. Whatever you do don’t give him pocket money where’s his motivation otherwise.

I wouldn't give him a penny unless he's at least doing a decent amount of chores.
He shouldn't even really be paid to clean in a house he lives in at 17. He should be doing it naturally.

I'm a bit old school. I had to have a job from the age I could get one of if I wanted money to spend.

However, my Mum would have covered bus fair to a place of education.

He says he wants to join the army, which I think would do him good, but I feel like it's just a pipe dream as I know how hard a job in the army would be and I just don't know if he has it in him to cope with the discipline and hard work.

I disagree with pp saying he should get a job to pay for bus fare to college. That is a parent's job to pay travel expenses to college.
I do agree he should get a job and that you shouldn't give pocket money whilst he he won't help round the house. But wages from this prospective job should be for him to spend on hobbies/socialising/bus fares to go out with his friends. Not to pay for his own travel to college.
Incidentally, how far is the journey to college if it's far enough to get a bus to?

No I don't think it's a generational thing, mine is quite focused on getting her A levels and going to uni and is quite happy and willing to do some bits round the house. I do think it's a bit mean to leave him with no bus fare/dinner money though.

Imo . If he's at college he's a dependant. Therefore parents pay the travel.
I always said whilst I received child benefit for my kids I would pay.

Can he look into joining the army now? Let's face it he's not going to magically get any GCSEs this year. So that's another year wasted. I agree with you though, no handouts. When is he 18?