17 year old - should we give him money?

[spongecanary]

It's a bit of a long one but I just can't decide whether we are being unreasonable or not.

We don't give our 17 old pocket money as he doesn't help out around the house, we have had lengthy conversations explaining all the responsibilities of a household and asked him to just help out with something every day, ranging from feeding the fish to putting the bins out, but he just can't be bothered. We tried GoHenry a couple of years ago with good opportunities to earn money but he wasn't interested. He had a job in the summer and we advised him to save up for when the job ended but of course he didn't listen.
He has now changed colleges and we have said he has to pay for the bus himself. It's a bit of a long walk but it is walking distance and not much further than his old school which he used to walk to every day. He doesn't want to walk and I don't know if we are being unreasonable expecting him to pay for the bus if he wants to get it.

We put him on our insurance to try and teach him to drive but he wasn't interested as it's too much effort. This puts me off giving him lifts as he has had the opportunity to learn to drive.

He is making minimal effort to get a job. We are reluctant to start giving him money now as I don't want him to learn that he can just get handouts if he doesn't bother doing anything, we really want to instill a good work ethic in him but it's really hard.

I think if he was to make an effort in looking for a job, make an effort at college (third time sitting GCSEs and he is doing no more work than the first two times), help out around the house (even if I do persuade him to do something it's always half arsed so I have to redo it), put the effort in to learn to drive, I might feel differently but I am really reluctant to enable his laziness by giving him money every week.

Are we being unreasonable?

Gen Z and Gen Alpha have inherited an absolute MESS of a world in terms of climate, late stage capitalism, and fascism. A lot of them have resigned themselves to the fact that life is going to be really shit for them, and have given up. Thing is, I don't blame them one bit. We've fucked things up for them badly.

I would consider bus fare but there's no chance I'd be paying for him to get lunch out every day of the rest of the family and yourself are packing lunches. Buying lunch out is a privilege and he's old enough to prioritise that if he wants to

My kids are younger but they help at home - like others said they have to help the family in general and then can help more for extra funds if they want something extra. Of course I feed them and they get free buses anyway (I'm on Scotland) but if my high school daughter wants to go out with friends or get new makeup or hair stuff or whatever that's on her and she's 12.

Oh give it a rest. They have it better than young people across 3/4 of the planet and than almost any other time in history. Global warming is a threat but so was starvation, bubonic plague or the 100 years war.

Honestly he sounds bone idle.

Some people need to hit rock bottom, fail a bit, struggle a bit, to get that kick in the arse they need to motivate them.

I'd sit him down & calmly explain he's old enough to take responsibility for his choices. That you won't bail him out financially/fund him indefinitely, and that his adult lifestyle may well be uncomfortable and frankly crap if he is not willing to work to get educated & earn a living.

Oh give it a rest. They have it better than young people across 3/4 of the planet and than almost any other time in history

This. My dad grew up with fucking rationing. Babies were fed National Milk, it was rubbish! His dad beat him with a belt if he put a foot wrong cos a lot did then. Everyone had a bad chest from all the smoing a pollution, loads had lost brothers, fathers, uncles in the war.

They had no money. Healthcare wasn't great. Towns & cities were literally bombsites & a lot of housing was very poor and overcrowded. Loads of kids left education with no qualifications at all or barely went in the first place. If you were unemployed you got sod all help.

Kids today in the uk really don't have it that bad.

I would give a college age DS bus fare and lunch money and do but he mostly walks. I don't want DS to get a job as he needs to concentrate on A levels. Plenty of time to get one when it's over in the summer. That said, we can afford to do that and I don't view lunch money as a luxury. The only worry I have is whether it is that healthy or even that nice but for me it is definitely more convenient.

Don't use the way things are happening across the world to diminish the lived experiences of people here.

So many kids and young people are massively disheartened because they're watching their parents and older folks struggle NOW, and some realise just how crap the job market is, even with qualifications. There's so much shit for them to deal with, so yeah. It's entirely reasonable for them to feel so depressed about everything.

That just means their expectations were/are too high, or unrealistic in some other way.

How did they get the idea life should be perfect & easy? It never has been.

I think it’s a parent’s job to pay for education. That means you should be funding his transportation to school and any required school related expenses. You also need to be sure he has any necessary technology required to do his school work, basic clothing, and basic hygiene items.

Pocket money is for discretionary spending on non-necessities. If he wants to socialize or have higher-end items that would be what he would spend an allowance or his summer earnings on.

A lot of people seem to think that we are not paying for food etc. We buy him clothes, toiletries etc, I have offered to make him lunch every day to take with him. Food, clothes, hygiene are basic necessities that of course we provide. This is specifically about bus money and pocket money really, due to the fact he doesn't NEED to take the bus, but WANTS to, but doesn't seem to understand that he should earn his money and budget. He will spend his money on junk food then ring us up to pick him up from college because he doesn't want to walk. I think he should see the consequence of spending his money in McDonald's instead of the bus is that he has to walk. If he wants both then he should either pull his weight around the house or get a job.

Maybe giving him a set budget that isn't enough for both would help him start to think about it properly. He could choose one or the other and start to make those sorts of decisions.

Consequence isn’t going to work on him, it never has before because he likely has at least one learning disability.

You seem oblivious to the fact that ADHD inattentive type literally means what appears to be “every aspect of his life,…a half arsed attempt to do it as quickly as possible because he can't be bothered.” the usual outcome when an undiagnosed kid has grown up to age 17 with zero assessment, zero support, zero medication, and zero understanding.

I strongly strongly recommend you at least get him assessed.

I think the bus is a red herring really as I would expect a young fit person to walk that distance anyway apart from the odd day when it’s pouring with rain. If he can’t be arsed then that’s his money to waste not yours. At his age if given it I probably would have taken the bus money and walked instead to save it up for better things.

He does need to learn to pull his weight round the house now but I’m not sure how you force it. I would definitely stop doing his washing if you haven’t already. He’s old enough to do that himself.

i would then make clear a list of expectations around the house and what he is expected to do. But very defined like, cook dinner on Tuesdays for the family, make one/two days “his” dishwasher day, hoover on Thursdays etc. When he fails on his tasks you stop doing anything for him except bare minimum. No lifts, stop paying for his phone and block his gaming devices from the router.

I would encourage him to see if he can sign up to the army now. I’ve heard horror stories about how long their recruitment can take so you may as well get him on that track if that’s what he wants and then he can decide whether to delay and sit GCSEs or just go straight in when they’ve actually processed his paperwork.

Edit: also I can’t believe he rings for lifts from college because he “can’t be bothered” to walk and you say sometimes yes! That’s so entitled of him!