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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I need help with my lazy partner

132 replies

Random111 · 04/11/2024 18:20

Hi everyone,
How do you cope with a lazy partner?
I really just need a hug at this point. Please be kind. I am so fed up and feel so exhausted.
We have 2 children, he feels like a 3rd. He does not cook and refuses to eat my meals because he wants to order a takeaway. He works in fast food so he eats takeaways all day everyday. I have told him this is possibly an addiction- he doesn’t want to know. He does not clean or help clean, or will huff if I ask him to do something. The house is overwhelmingly messy, and I can’t clean 24/7 with a new born. I have to ask him to do basic hygiene like brush his teeth or shower. He does not take the children out, or play with them unless I go out too and he is super strict on the eldest child in which is not biologically his( but he raised him).

If we talk about things I am upset with, he will either not say anything or tell me I tell him what to do all the time and tails to an argument.

He does work full time, yet will set off an hour before he starts (15 min drive) and will stay for up to an hour after his shift finishes. He will get up on a morning 40 minutes before his shift starts and head off. He hardly sees the children and I could have been up since 4/5 o'clock (am) at this point when he starts at 10/11am. He doesn’t contribute financially but boasts about all the money he’s earnt. How can I get it through to him that this is not right. Would you stay together just for the children or put yourself first? My eldest is old enough to know what is going on so I haveto be careful about what happens. Thankyou, please be kind I am at my wits end and feel very lonely.

OP posts:
PrettyYellow30 · 04/11/2024 18:22

Random111 · 04/11/2024 18:20

Hi everyone,
How do you cope with a lazy partner?
I really just need a hug at this point. Please be kind. I am so fed up and feel so exhausted.
We have 2 children, he feels like a 3rd. He does not cook and refuses to eat my meals because he wants to order a takeaway. He works in fast food so he eats takeaways all day everyday. I have told him this is possibly an addiction- he doesn’t want to know. He does not clean or help clean, or will huff if I ask him to do something. The house is overwhelmingly messy, and I can’t clean 24/7 with a new born. I have to ask him to do basic hygiene like brush his teeth or shower. He does not take the children out, or play with them unless I go out too and he is super strict on the eldest child in which is not biologically his( but he raised him).

If we talk about things I am upset with, he will either not say anything or tell me I tell him what to do all the time and tails to an argument.

He does work full time, yet will set off an hour before he starts (15 min drive) and will stay for up to an hour after his shift finishes. He will get up on a morning 40 minutes before his shift starts and head off. He hardly sees the children and I could have been up since 4/5 o'clock (am) at this point when he starts at 10/11am. He doesn’t contribute financially but boasts about all the money he’s earnt. How can I get it through to him that this is not right. Would you stay together just for the children or put yourself first? My eldest is old enough to know what is going on so I haveto be careful about what happens. Thankyou, please be kind I am at my wits end and feel very lonely.

I wouldn't stay with him, he sounds awful to live with!

DreadPirateRobots · 04/11/2024 18:27

He doesn't contribute financially

He doesn't contribute practically

He's a fucking arsehole

What was the point of him again?

Break up with him and have 2 kids not 3.

Pixilicious1 · 04/11/2024 18:28

kick him out. Exactly what is he contributing? Sweet FA from what I can see. And indeed he’s making it worse. At least if you split up he’ll have to pay you some child maintenance.

Msmoonpie · 04/11/2024 18:29

Dear god why are you putting up with this waste of space ? He doesn’t do anything and he doesn’t even contribute ?!

GiddyRobin · 04/11/2024 18:30

He's a waste of space. You don't need help dealing with him, you need to kick him out back to his parents house!

What an absolute disaster of a man. Lift your bar, you can do so much better than this human pile of filth. It's like he's never grown up! Living off fast food on its own would make me feel disgusted, he obviously has zero care about his own health, let alone an ability to care for anyone else. He won't even brush his own teeth or shower? 🤢

Run!

TheShellBeach · 04/11/2024 18:30

@PrettyYellow30 why on earth did you quote the whole OP?

BabyCloud · 04/11/2024 18:31

My first thought when I see these sort of posts is to think of the shocking role model these men are to your kids. They’ll grow up thinking it’s acceptable for men to be lazy.

TheShellBeach · 04/11/2024 18:31

OP I think you need to chuck this bloke out.
He doesn't bring anything to your life.

BabyCloud · 04/11/2024 18:33

Chuck him out. You’ll be so much better off without him.

TurquoiseTortoiseToastyToes · 04/11/2024 18:33

Would you stay together just for the children or put yourself first?

I would leave for the children (and myself)

BlueMum16 · 04/11/2024 18:33

What does he actually provide you? No money, support, help
No equal partner or parent?

Tell us why you are together still?

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 04/11/2024 18:35

It sounds like he's good for.... Nothing?

What a waste of space he is.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 04/11/2024 18:35

Why is your confidence so low that you accept this?

Oomph · 04/11/2024 18:36

I'm so sorry to hear you are in this situation with a newborn, OP, but after hearing your list of grievances I have to ask: if he does not wash, does not help with the kids, does not help in the house and does not contribute financially, what exactly do you get out of him? Are there any positives? Or should this be the start of the rest of your life when you're rid of the lazy, smelly bastard?

Wimberry · 04/11/2024 18:36

There is no benefit to the children of you staying together. He treats you all like crap, and his behaviour towards the eldest is worrying.

Please get away from him, you deserve so much better

LittleGreenDragons · 04/11/2024 18:36

Ask yourself honestly. What is the point of him?

He doesn't provide or give support financially, physically, emotionally or mentally. He is not a good father. He is not a good partner. So what is he?

Get rid, have an easier, less stressful life. Be happy.

AmandaHoldensLips · 04/11/2024 18:37

Kick him into touch. Single parenting is a lot easier than parenting with a live-in arsehole. At least you know where you stand and you don't have to pander to a spoilt man-baby.

Fedupandstressed · 04/11/2024 18:38

Who owns the house, or has the tenancy in their name? Does he pay anything towards the home at all?

Patienceinshortsupply · 04/11/2024 18:42

Raise your bar, for your kids if not yourself. This isn't a relationship, it's a slow and deadly form of torture. How dare he come down hard on your poor child. Kick him out, and focus on your kids. Your life and theirs will change overnight. For the better.

RaspberryBeretxx · 04/11/2024 18:42

Honestly, he sounds utterly pointless. It sounds like he’s an extra person to run around after and pay for who adds nothing to your life. I think you need to get rid of him. He’s also financially abusive for refusing to contribute.

Krumblina · 04/11/2024 18:44

What as in he doesn't even pay the rent/mortgage or bills? Why not? He just lives at your place?

MidnightBlossom · 04/11/2024 18:46

Darling, sling him out. He doesn't contribute. He doesn't pay any bills. He doesn't add anything to your life except more stress.

Dump him, tell him to pack his stuff and leave. Enjoy a much easier and stress free life with only two children to worry about.

Verylazy · 04/11/2024 18:48

He lives completely for free? He doesn’t pay anything for his children? Please say why.

79pinkballoons · 04/11/2024 18:48

How is it good for the children having this loser around? Get rid of him, for everyone's sake.

TwilightSkies · 04/11/2024 18:48

You’re a single parent already OP. At least if he goes you won’t have to live with him!