I need help with my lazy partner

[Random111]

Hi everyone,
How do you cope with a lazy partner?
I really just need a hug at this point. Please be kind. I am so fed up and feel so exhausted.
We have 2 children, he feels like a 3rd. He does not cook and refuses to eat my meals because he wants to order a takeaway. He works in fast food so he eats takeaways all day everyday. I have told him this is possibly an addiction- he doesn’t want to know. He does not clean or help clean, or will huff if I ask him to do something. The house is overwhelmingly messy, and I can’t clean 24/7 with a new born. I have to ask him to do basic hygiene like brush his teeth or shower. He does not take the children out, or play with them unless I go out too and he is super strict on the eldest child in which is not biologically his( but he raised him).

If we talk about things I am upset with, he will either not say anything or tell me I tell him what to do all the time and tails to an argument.

He does work full time, yet will set off an hour before he starts (15 min drive) and will stay for up to an hour after his shift finishes. He will get up on a morning 40 minutes before his shift starts and head off. He hardly sees the children and I could have been up since 4/5 o'clock (am) at this point when he starts at 10/11am. He doesn’t contribute financially but boasts about all the money he’s earnt. How can I get it through to him that this is not right. Would you stay together just for the children or put yourself first? My eldest is old enough to know what is going on so I haveto be careful about what happens. Thankyou, please be kind I am at my wits end and feel very lonely.

How did you think it was a good idea to have a child with this man?

🙄🙄🙄

He wasn’t like this until she was 8m pregnant.

I already have.

@Whatshallwedowiththedrunkensailor

So why is he now? What’s do you think is the cause of this change?

Who cares? It’s not the OP’s job to psychologically evaluate this waste of space. Blokes like this don’t need a reason to be arseholes.

Leave already. It won’t get better.

OP people aren't on here advising you how to fix it, because the solution isn't on you. You can't fix it for him. Y

If he wants to change, then it might be salvageable, with a lot of work - from HIM - but honestly, it sounds like he's taking you for a ride.

Is there anyone else in his life whose opinion he values, who would be willing to talk to him, do you think? Sometimes when s third party points out that they're at risk of losing their partner and children, it hits home.

Then you would have read that he was not always like that and it has only been the past year that this is happening.

Please, please, please, do not waste any more years on this specimin. He will never change and you will waste the life you have left.
I stayed with a similar man for 20 years and I'm so angry with myself that I wasted that much of my life on him.

Hi love. Thankyou for this comment. I have thought about talking to his parents, but I would just not be sure how to approach it.

I understand that you don't want to end the relationship just now, and that you are hoping somehow the 'old' him will return.

I suggest you put a time limit on this in your mind. Try whatever tactics you can, find him whatever help you can, but decide an end-date, such as 6 months from now. Put it in a diary or on your phone. Then when that date comes, reassess, and if you have to be prepared to ask him to leave.

It would be too, too easy for you to let this situation drift on for years.

It’s possible he is depressed though. Extreme behaviour like not washing is usually depression unless someone has been completely dysfunctional since childhood. Just wondered if he’d said anything to OP that gave any hint of why he was behaving like this (but apparently not 🤷‍♀️)

@Random111 Everyone will tell you to leave him (and that is the right thing as he’s a shambles of a person who is causing you more hassle than anything else), but that’s never easy - even in the worst relationships. So maybe there’s a middle ground for now.

I think if it were me, I’d get the two kids out the way and have a very frank and very serious discussion of what you expect from him (know this before you speak to him). Tell him that how he was before was so good that you wanted a baby with him, and now you can’t recognise him.

Make it exceptionally clear that this must change immediately. That if he needs help learning anything in relation to the baby, you’ll help him learn. But that he needs to step up, be a father and start contributing more. Financially, emotionally.

Then tell him that if he can’t or won’t do it, you’re done. You can claim CM from him and he can have access with the youngest (he won’t do it). Your kids are far better off without a feckless lump treating their mum like a slave.

There’s every chance you’re chasing a cloud in trying to get the old him back. I hope it gets sorted though, for you and the kiddies.

Blimey, why on earth did you pick him as the Father of your kids?

Great idea thankyou very much.

yeah

I asked why he changed not if he changed.

Even if people don’t read every reply on a thread, at least read the OPs before asking the “why did you have a baby with him?” question. 😨

He's shown you who he is. Believe him.
He won't change.

@Random111 you could approach his parents with the fact that you're worried about him, and give the reasons that you've given here - eg having to prompt him about his hygiene - and then lead that into a conversation about how much you're having to do to look after the children and him, perhaps ask if they can invite him to stay for a weekend to give you a break... I'm sure that would be enough for them to realise there's a problem and take it up with him, if you don't feel able to ask them to do it directly.

Thankyou. I actually really appreciate you reading all my posts and getting the full picture. While also not questioning my parenting. You seem like a great person to talk to, and fully understanding.

@Random111

Then you would have read that he was not always like that and it has only been the past year that this is happening.

Feckless, abusive and selfish men don’t start off like this. They wouldn’t be able to attract a woman to look after them and be their domestic helper if they did. That’s the point.

Their modus operandi is typically to wait until the woman has a child or is otherwise encumbered before showing their true identity. This is absolutely textbook.

The person you think you knew and loved never existed. It was a simulation put on for your benefit to lure you in.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh and I understand you are upset but you really need to wake up. He is never going to improve. He’s not depressed or anything. He’s a waste of your time and energy and your life will not improve until you leave.

Thankyou love. X

@Whatshallwedowiththedrunkensailor

It’s possible he is depressed though. Extreme behaviour like not washing is usually depression unless someone has been completely dysfunctional since childhood

He’s not depressed, he’s just an abusive, lazy twat. Depression is always the last desperate attempt to justify this behaviour.

I think this is great advice. I imagine they will be shocked and appalled that he’s being the way he is.

I wish you all the best OP. It’s a horrible experience now. But I can guarantee you that life will get better when you leave.

Oh it could certainly be a case of love bombing then turning nasty. Or it could be depression.
we don’t know I guess but good to point out all possibilities.