I need help with my lazy partner

[Random111]

Hi everyone,
How do you cope with a lazy partner?
I really just need a hug at this point. Please be kind. I am so fed up and feel so exhausted.
We have 2 children, he feels like a 3rd. He does not cook and refuses to eat my meals because he wants to order a takeaway. He works in fast food so he eats takeaways all day everyday. I have told him this is possibly an addiction- he doesn’t want to know. He does not clean or help clean, or will huff if I ask him to do something. The house is overwhelmingly messy, and I can’t clean 24/7 with a new born. I have to ask him to do basic hygiene like brush his teeth or shower. He does not take the children out, or play with them unless I go out too and he is super strict on the eldest child in which is not biologically his( but he raised him).

If we talk about things I am upset with, he will either not say anything or tell me I tell him what to do all the time and tails to an argument.

He does work full time, yet will set off an hour before he starts (15 min drive) and will stay for up to an hour after his shift finishes. He will get up on a morning 40 minutes before his shift starts and head off. He hardly sees the children and I could have been up since 4/5 o'clock (am) at this point when he starts at 10/11am. He doesn’t contribute financially but boasts about all the money he’s earnt. How can I get it through to him that this is not right. Would you stay together just for the children or put yourself first? My eldest is old enough to know what is going on so I haveto be careful about what happens. Thankyou, please be kind I am at my wits end and feel very lonely.

And trust me your eldest is not benefiting from his presence. You aren’t giving him a dad you have given him a bully.

A valuable lesson in life OP is that you have to love and accept people for who they are, and not what you want them to be. The fact that he's behaving like this in your parent's home is even more shocking. They must look at you and want to cry that you're letting your standards drop like this. It's easy to get rid of him - he's working, so he sorts his rent out. His is NOT your responsibility, he's a grown man. Talk to your parents and make a plan to shift him.

He was not like this when we decided to have baby 2.

Genuinely never said this before but leave him. What does he bring to the relationship?

I put YABU because I think YABU to be still there putting up with this. I know you don't want to leave him, but he will not spontaneously grow up, and by keeping him around you're also affecting what your other children see as normal adult behaviour and relationships.

Who cares about his living situation, he's a drain on you all and he'll have to be a big boy and look after himself. Many women do it, there's no reason why he can't.

He's draining you. He's wasting your life, and is a disgusting role model for your children.

You have to ask the man to WASH HIMSELF

OP, this isn't salvageable - if he won't even wash, what on earth makes you think he can take on any other adult/parent/partner responsibilities?

I would like advice on how to support our relationship.
Relationships take two people to make it work and he is not interested in doing that. You cannot change another person ever. But you can change how you react to what they do. So don't bother tying yourself in knots trying to be the best person ever - because it won't work. He doesn't like you anymore but he can't be bothered to leave. Make that decision for him.

Counselling etc. is it worth a try?
You should never have counselling with an abusive person. He has shown classic abusive tendencies.

I honestly can’t say enough how such of a great man he was.
Was. He isn't great now but he is abusive. Remember, he is CHOOSING to abuse you.

By the way did you know that these type of men tend to show their abusive side when they think their partner is trapped and unable to leave the relationship. This is usually either in pregnancy or after they have given birth. Remind me again the ages of your children...

Me too. I want to be kind op but you've allowed this, and you've had kids with him. I would never stand for this, let alone tie myself to such a waste of space with children.

He won’t change!

why are you saving for a home and paying for everything? So what if he is paying half of bills? He is a cocklodger, get rid!

Leave him. Seriously.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this especially with a full load already. It is hard because support doesn’t exist, and it seems exhausting.

Perhaps doing a few things a couple of non-negotiables with him might work, taking on some tasks or providing a bit more financially. A partnership that feels like one should be one you deserve

There is absolutely nothing positive about him. Nothing.

I’m sorry but at some point you have to take responsibility and own the fact that you enabled this.

If the best thing I could say about my partner as a father to our kids was that he didn't hit them I think I'd give up and go it alone. Get rid of him. He's bringing nothing positive to your life and your children will grow up thinking this is how a man behaves.
Maybe it does all stem from living with your parents but if that's the case he should grow up, open his mouth and have a conversation about it, if he can't even do that then he's not much of a partner.

Hi love. I just wanted to clarify that as there was a comment suggesting we do that. Never. The children are very well looked after and only ever really told off if they are doing something dangerous. I’m worried he may have PND and therefore am reluctant to get rid as if it is that, he’d need my support more now than ever. However he does not talk to me. As it’s happened within the past year or so, i feel this behaviour has been triggered by either moving in with my parents or having a new baby as these are the biggest life changes of recently. Please don’t make me feel like I’m being awful to my children. They are my absolute world and I continue to give every ounce of my life to them. As I say, it’s a shock to the system he is being like this now. My eldest does love him a lot and when they do spend time together they love to build Lego and play video games. The fact that he finds difficulty in his hygiene tells me he may be depressed and is struggling to cope with the life changes. However it is extremely difficult trying to piggy back an entire family alone.

I suggest you ask yourself the question what reasons are you staying together.

The only reason I read is guilt .

As for counselling etc … One thing I learnt is you cannot make a marriage / relationship work if only one person is trying .

You need to protect yourself and your children ..

Thankyou. I prefer the comments like this that are helpful with advice and don’t make me feel like a terrible mother.

You definitely need to address this situation before you buy a house with this man. You thankfully have the upper hand at the moment and can easily kick him out, that won't be so easy when you share a house. This needs addressing because you cannot continue to live your life this way.

If you want to stay with him then he needs an ultimatum - step up bloody sharpish or find somewhere else to go.

I hope you’re not getting flamed for being with him in the first place but suspect you are. Ignore them.

honestly, this sounds like he has serious difficulties with even the most basic responsibilities in life. He’s not fit to be a dad, of partner.

you can give him one more go - write down everything you need in exact detail. Give him a month to turn it around.

he won’t tho.

I think it’s too bad to fix and you need to leave him. It’ll be one weight gone.

in sorry, this sounds awful.

Love, to put it bluntly, if any of us had a magic wand to wave to turn a lazy shit into a productive and helpful partner, we wouldn't be on here, we'd be lounging on our private islands.

Nothing you've written suggests that he's depressed or anything other than an avoidant man child. He's literally avoiding spending any time with you or being called on to do any parenting whatsoever. He's got you where he wants you and let the mask slip. This is the real him.

You can't work on a relationship by yourself. There is no hope for this one.

It’s unfair for your kids to keep this abusive freeloader in your house

The fact that he finds difficulty in his hygiene tells me he may be depressed and is struggling to cope with the life changes

Yeah mayne he does have depression but what is he doing to fix it? Fuck all! My DH has depression and anxiety, got himself to the GP, takes his meds and did his counselling. He doesn't take it out on me or DC, he isn't lazy round the house, he pulls his weight and contributes financially

Thankyou for this reply. Yes I am being flamed horrifically- I have never used this app before so was expecting a lot more support/advice on how to help him. He has never been like this before, it is only recent he has changed. I like that idea. I will try it out and hope for the best. I do agree that is has got so bad. Thankyou again. X