I need help with my lazy partner

[Random111]

Hi everyone,
How do you cope with a lazy partner?
I really just need a hug at this point. Please be kind. I am so fed up and feel so exhausted.
We have 2 children, he feels like a 3rd. He does not cook and refuses to eat my meals because he wants to order a takeaway. He works in fast food so he eats takeaways all day everyday. I have told him this is possibly an addiction- he doesn’t want to know. He does not clean or help clean, or will huff if I ask him to do something. The house is overwhelmingly messy, and I can’t clean 24/7 with a new born. I have to ask him to do basic hygiene like brush his teeth or shower. He does not take the children out, or play with them unless I go out too and he is super strict on the eldest child in which is not biologically his( but he raised him).

If we talk about things I am upset with, he will either not say anything or tell me I tell him what to do all the time and tails to an argument.

He does work full time, yet will set off an hour before he starts (15 min drive) and will stay for up to an hour after his shift finishes. He will get up on a morning 40 minutes before his shift starts and head off. He hardly sees the children and I could have been up since 4/5 o'clock (am) at this point when he starts at 10/11am. He doesn’t contribute financially but boasts about all the money he’s earnt. How can I get it through to him that this is not right. Would you stay together just for the children or put yourself first? My eldest is old enough to know what is going on so I haveto be careful about what happens. Thankyou, please be kind I am at my wits end and feel very lonely.

Honestly I think you're being unreasonable to consider staying with this man child as a kindness to your children. He sounds a terrible role model and apart from a little playtime is contributing nothing to your family.

A first pregnancy together is a very common time for an abusive partner to begin showing their true colours as they feel they have you captive. I've been there, it didn't get any better no matter how much I tried or how much effort I put in to "supporting" him.

If I was you I'd be preparing yourself for a life without him, if he's a genuinely decent person there would be no reason you couldn't work on your relationship while living apart. But that constant snapping at your eldest and treating them differently will erode their confidence she self esteem faster than you notice it.

I'm so glad you found my comment helpful 😍 You’re clearly doing your best,💖 and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Hang in there, you’re not alone, and it’s okay to need a little extra support sometimes💞

No worries - people are really horrible here (not all, but a lot). I’m afraid a lot of people are put off posting as no matter what they say they are attacked.

Hope you got some useful advice. Interesting it’s a new thing - a proper talk is needed and maybe being really honest - ie you are thinking of ending it if this doesn’t change.

@EalingLucy
on another note, can I ask why you quoted the full OP?
you can just tag a poster by using @ followed by their name

Do you think he's depressed? I'm no expert but it sounds like it.

Maybe you could tell him things need to change and maybe make a list.
And if they don't he'll need to find somewhere else to live.

Once you've given him that option it's his choice to fight for you and your family or not.

Maybe not couple counselling maybe just counselling for him?

Good luck

Hi love. Thats great to hear that your husband is getting the support he needs. Unfortunately some people are not as talkative as others and don’t want to be seen as ‘defeated’ if you will. I had PND with my first child, and unfortunately it took me a while to actually admit I was poorly, my family saw it first.

OP you asked people if they would stay or leave and people have given you their advice.
Some lt what you've said could be seen as depression but other things like leaving home an hour early and staying late don't suggest depression and nore wanting to skip out of responsibility as does the bit about noasting what he earns without contributing. Those things sound positively nasty tbh and that's why you've received an overwhelming amount of advice to leave him.

If you wanted only wanted suggestions on making it better than you'd need to specify that.
But I think a lot of it is from a good place because he doesn't sound very pleasant or supportive to you.

This made me cry. You sound like a friend everybody needs in life. I am trying my absolute hardest. People are just quick to jump the gun with hate. X

I have to ask him to do basic hygiene like brush his teeth or shower.

How did you manage to be attracted enough to him to produce 2 children? 🤢 That's grim.

This. My DH had terrible depression and anxiety after a major injury left him almost disabled for nearly two years. He didn't behave like this. He got on with life, cared for the kids, for me, cleaned and cooked when and where he could (which was difficult), and got therapy.

He also washed. He's part of a family, not some single bloke with no one relying on him. And because he did that, he got undying support and love. If he'd behaved like this, he'd have been out on his arse, no matter how much I adored him. This is just bad behaviour and there's no excuse.

You wouldn't have found me behaving like this when I was crippled by PTSD from watching him nearly die. Because I have responsibilities. Don't make excuses for him, OP. This is just poor and selfish behaviour.

He was not always like this.

So when did it change? And what was he like before?

These posts are always so similar. The posters are with an absolute waste of space of a man, for whom they make excuses and who they allow to inflict all sorts of nonsense on them and their children. They won’t end the relationship, despite it clearly being in their kids’ best interests to do so, yet claim ‘their children are their world’.

The maths ain’t mathing.

He doesn’t contribute financially but boasts about all the money he’s earnt.

That is not PND, OP. As I suspect you know.

OP, I think you’re letting this man (and I use the term loosely) take the piss right out of you.

Be careful how you proceed, you’re currently teaching your older child that it’s fine to let the woman do everything and that boys have no responsibility or obligation. That may affect his future wife down the line.

Don’t let your kids grow up watching you be treated like a doormat.

The problem is that this behaviour benefits him and changing it won't. Sadly I doubt he could ever change.

Men like yours are ten to a penny

When you get on the wrong train it is very wise to get off at the next stop

If you don’t get off this train you are on now I can tell you for certain you are going the wrong way

When you made serious decisions to commit to this man you did not really know him. You need to be with someone a good three years before you can get a feel for their true character

I hope the lazy slob pays for his own takeaways

Hi Kibble. It changed when we were moving in with my parents. We had found out we were pregnant at the same time. Maybe 8-9 months into the pregnancy he changed as is now. He was so amazing, the biggest comfort blanket, lovely with child1. Always out playing football, ninjas, cars, trips out. He’d contribute his way, wasn’t great at cooking but would. lol. Help clean, complete opposite of what I’ve written today. It’s easy to say get rid, he’s awful etc. but nobody knows what he was like before and I am just so desperate to go back to it.

Hi, we have been together for 6 years.

But he's doing nothing to change it. That's the difference. If he was getting off his arse and still trying, that would be one thing. But he isn't.

I suspect this is just who he is and he's dialled out. Men can become abusive when their partners are pregnant; it's well recorded, and you see them in their true form.

How old is your eldest child, the one who isn’t his?

I’m just wondering if your partner came into your life when your child was out of the baby/toddler years and therefore he missed the nappies, sleepless nights, bugs, crying, chaos etc.

Then you give birth and he’s hit with all of the above.

The thing is, your partner is all the man he’ll ever be. If he can’t step up for his own child (which is surely an instinct as it is for us as mothers), I’m not sure you can change it.

Yes I am being flamed horrifically- I have never used this app before so was expecting a lot more support/advice on how to help him

I genuinely mean this with all the kindness in the world but your standards are so shockingly low I want to shake you.

I don’t think you have the most basic grasp of what a relationship is supposed to be like and how it is meant to work.

At a minimum a relationship should involve respect, courtesy and consideration. One involving shared children should also involve some financial contribution (according to the respective ability to pay) and some teamwork. A good relationship should also involve some affection and compatibility.

Yours has literally not one single item on even the most basic list.

There is no upside whatsoever to either you or your child in remaining in the relationship. Why on earth are you trying to “help” someone who treats you with utter contempt? Why would you do that. He doesn’t care about you.

Leave. Leave as quickly as you can and however you can. And then get some serious counselling to try to understand why you thought you don’t deserve better.

So why is he now? What’s do you think is the cause of this change?

Yes. My child was nearly 1.5. X

Please read replies I have made. X