Joint present drama.

[FuckOffCleanShirt]

I have two siblings. We are not close. I haven't talked to my sister for about ten years. I haven't talked to my brother for about three years. We haven't fallen out, we just drifted apart.

My dad has a big birthday this year. I booked a weekend away for my parents for his birthday months ago. I didn't mention it to anyone so my mum, dad and siblings didn't know I'd booked it. It cost £2K (this is relevant).

After I'd booked it, my sister suggested a joint present from the three of us.
I said I'd already got my dad something separate but I'd chip in.
My siblings said they could each chip in £50 so we agreed £150 for the joint present and my sister got him something.

It was his birthday the weekend, and I sent my dad a card with an itinerary of the weekend away that I'd booked for them.

Last night my sister rang me apoplectic because I'd booked my dad something separate, hadn't put my siblings on it, and made the joint present look shit because of the price difference.

I don't think I'm BU here but am I??

[I have NC by the way]

It does make them look bad. 2K is a lot to spend on a weekend away even for a big birthday. I think you should have told them what you had planned so at least they were aware.

I have two siblings. We are not close. I haven't talked to my sister for about ten years. I haven't talked to my brother for about three years. We haven't fallen out, we just drifted apart.

Thats an understatement!

What does it matter if she is cross with you, you can just not talk for another 10 years.

But I do have to ask, why on earth didnt you say "I've bought xyz, it was £2k, so if you want to come in let me know"

I can kind of see their point, and it then also looked like you'd got him two things. Could you not have collaborated on the weekend and tailored it to a budget? My sisters and I did that for a joint birthday weekend for our parents with us, looked at what they'd like, agreed a vague maximum, sorted it out financially afterwards. Two days of stuff, some all together, some in small groups, reconvening for dinner etc, no where near 2k. They'll think you were showing off. Which you were.

I think it's a bit weird that you didn't tell them what you had bought. Were you worried they'd want to 'chip in' and make it a joint present?

I absolutely see their point. You may not be close but for a big milestone birthday did you not think it was the right thing to do to mention you had plans for a substantial gift when the topic of gifts came up?

Got the feeling that gap between you all will be getting even wider now

Yeah, your sister has a point. You really should have told your siblings that you had booked a whole break, not just got your dad a regular present.

What if you had all decided to get him a trip away for his birthday?!

I make them right.

You deliberately kept it a secret, even from your mum.

Now why was that?

Ah… the ability to communicate effectively. The OP is perfectly allowed to buy whatever present she wants for Dad, out of the blue call from a sibling, another present bought, and everyone contributed. OP did mention she had already made a purchase, but lost sister now feeling bad because OP’s present has gazumped the joint present. Happy families……..not. Don’t feel bad OP, you did nothing wrong.

You didn't technically do anything wrong but it would have been better if you'd mentioned your gift to them.

I don't understand why you didn't tell anyone? What if they couldn't make the date you'd chosen or your siblings had booked something at the same time?

Why did you keep it a secret?

That's a really odd thing to do OP.

Yeah there's definitely more to this.

It's not really normal to keep completely tight lipped about it.

I'm awaiting the drip feed.

Could you not have collaborated on the weekend and tailored it to a budget?

It had already been booked. And I doubt you could tailor a £2k weekend to a £150 budget.

TBH OP, if their concern is that it made them look bad, there's no way you could have avoided that. If you'd said "no thanks, won't join the joint present as I've already got him something" your weekend would still have been more than what they bought.
Hopefully your dad doesn't view it like that though - different people have difference financial positions.

How did you not mention in to your mum - what if they had had plans for that date?

I actually don't think you've done anything wrong - you told them you'd already got something!

Did they ask what you'd got him? I mean you clearly said you'd already sorted something, if they didn't ask then that's on them.

If it's a nice surprise gift for your dad I'm not sure why everyone thinks it's odd you didn't mention it - we did similar for FIL, didn't tell anyone until his birthday as it was his present.

She needs to get over herself - ringing you in a strop is ridiculous. The money behind presents isn't everything!

It’s incredibly strange not to have mentioned having spent £2k on a present already when discussing this. OP is the one not communicating properly.

I meant communicate from the start and agree something. Ours was about 700 all in in the end for the parental costs, ours were on top. But we talked from the get go (even though I'd barely spoken to one of them for years, I started a thread on it at the time).

I think this is really about the dynamic between the sisters, and OP's desire to be seen as top dog.

Especially if (I assume) her mum will be going too.

Your sister is right, you made them and the joint gift look crap. When your sister first suggested a joint gift you should have said no, as you'd already got something special that you knew would overshadow any other gift.

Thanks for all your replies.

I didn't tell them that I was planning to book a weekend away because it didn't cross my mind that a joint present would be on the agenda. We've never done joint presents before, even for big birthdays so I assumed this year was the same. That's why I didn't tell them that I was planning it.

I should've been clear about my mum. Sorry. When I was booking it, I checked dates with her and told her to hold a few dates. What I mean is, I didn't tell her exactly what I'd booked, just that something would be happening that weekend.

OK, well you have a poor relationship with your siblings and this will cement that. I'm not sure what you expected tbh

I don't think anybody is suggesting you should have told them about the weekend in advance. But once a joint present was brought up you should have said you'd already bought your dad a trip away, not just said you'd bought him "something."

Hmmm

You still kept it deliberately from them when you were discussing presents.

Just about everyone I know would've mentioned it in conversation.

Only you know why you kept tight lipped.

Don’t forget siblings are not close, years without contact for whatever reasons. A phone call out of the blue to suggest a joint present isn’t exactly “happy families”. At least the OP did mention already having bought something, but still willing to put in with others. Not at fault if chose not to give precise details to a person who is hardly a regular feature in life. OP bought with good intentions, probably so did other siblings, but this is about other sister taking offence at what the OP bought🤷‍♀️