Joint present drama.

[FuckOffCleanShirt]

I have two siblings. We are not close. I haven't talked to my sister for about ten years. I haven't talked to my brother for about three years. We haven't fallen out, we just drifted apart.

My dad has a big birthday this year. I booked a weekend away for my parents for his birthday months ago. I didn't mention it to anyone so my mum, dad and siblings didn't know I'd booked it. It cost £2K (this is relevant).

After I'd booked it, my sister suggested a joint present from the three of us.
I said I'd already got my dad something separate but I'd chip in.
My siblings said they could each chip in £50 so we agreed £150 for the joint present and my sister got him something.

It was his birthday the weekend, and I sent my dad a card with an itinerary of the weekend away that I'd booked for them.

Last night my sister rang me apoplectic because I'd booked my dad something separate, hadn't put my siblings on it, and made the joint present look shit because of the price difference.

I don't think I'm BU here but am I??

[I have NC by the way]

Telling them you had bought something is one thing, contributing £50 to a ‘joint gift’ alongside a £2k present is something else.

You should have been clear that the amount you were spending on the individual present was more than ten times the value of the joint one. You were not unreasonable to get it for them but it was a bit off not to give your siblings time in advance to get used to the idea. And you chucking in 50 quid to the joint present now makes it look like the others couldn’t even afford £150 without your help.

He's a bit of one-upmanship pr*ck isn't he?

Well, atleast you got another 10 years of calm again 😅. My brother doesn't speak to me. Doesn't even respond to a happy birthday text. No falling out, he just can't be bothered (told my dad). You don't choose family

Absolutely 😎

On the surface, YANBU. However, you don't go 10 years and 3 years by accident. There's obviously more to this story than you're choosing to share. Do you have form for one-upmanship and competitive behaviour?

Technically you’re not wrong, but it comes across as very Helen in Bridesmaids. She was the one who had a burning desire to be the best one.

So many people thinking the OP is trying to outdo her siblings, when it's entirely possible they hold her success against her.

You just need to spend a day on MN to see how many people are plagued with the terrible disease that is jealousy.

What are the chances she'd not still be persecuted for not contributing to the joint present, because she can afford a great big shiny one.

wtaf? I know there are posters on MN who rather than answer the actual OP make up what they think happened in their head, but there is literally nothing in any of OP's posts (because, fairly they've given a minimum amount of background information presumably to stop any presumptions) that support any of what you've assumed.

Why are you "sure they all had the same start in life" and "OP worked hard" and "has a highly paid job" that her siblings didn't/don't, and that this was all their choice?

They could have had completely different starts. The parents might have paid for some to go to private school and others not. There could be a massive age difference. They could have moved here as refugees from a completely different country with brother and sister not speaking a word of English and suffering trauma from war, and OP being born here afterwards once they'd settled. The parents could have treated them completely differently. Perhaps OP had a skill she was encouraged to develop which became a job. Perhaps they only paid for one child to attend university. OP could have never worked a day in their life, but won the lottery or married a millionaire whereas her siblings are social workers and nurses. Perhaps her sibling was a victim of domestic violence and had to start again from scratch. Perhaps they have as much money as her but just don't want to spend it on an expensive birthday present (most people would consider £150 present to be very generous as it is!). Perhaps OP can't afford to spend £2k and has put it all on a credit card. Perhaps one or both of her siblings have a disability. Perhaps their kids have a disability which has limited their earning potential. Perhaps the siblings are carers for their parents. And so on.

Perhaps none of this is true (but none of it is outside the realms of feasibility, there are threads on pretty much all of these examples on here), but the point is you have absolutely no idea based on what OP has said. You've made it all up with no evidence whatsoever.

I really hope you don't make such assumptions (people with cash to burn = good people who work hard and are financially responsible, people who don't have £2k to splash = lazy spendthrifts with rubbish jobs) in real life.

I think it was lovely of you to arrange something special for your parents. Just agree with other that it would have been better to tell your siblings that you had actually already sorted your own gift for them and not gone in the joint present, just seems a little awkward. Think she's being too dramatic, but it just seems a little off being in on the joint present but also doing something extra wonderful that she probably can't afford to do for them on top as well.

I still think she's unreasonable.

Lots of harsh replies here. You've done something for both parents you new they'd love and as you said have always wanted to do but wouldn't book them selves. I think that's very generous, thoughtful and kind. OP could have spent just much money without any thought if she was in it for one upmanship.
You know she has previous and would have ruined the surprise so nope, you were right to be vague. Should have saved the £50 though. Ask them for the £50 back to keep then happy 😉

When they mentioned a joint present you should have said. It sounds like a deliberate get one up on them to be fair

You clearly want to give the biggest most expensive present. If not you would have invited them to join with you and mongering worried how much they gave. Your mum already would have had an inkling they were going away so you could have just said you booked a weekend away. It seems you believe you are superior to your sister

I'm going to go against the grain here. You told your sis you got something and still offered to chip in. She accepted. I don't see the issue. Particularly if you aren't close. You do you OP.

Yes but you'd have been a c u next Tuesday still trust me.

Also why after ten years would you even go oh yeah ok let’s all chip in?? Surely your parents even thought it was odd?

@FuckOffCleanShirt You've had an unfair response from many posters on here.

I hate joint presents for this very reason.

I'm sure your parents are aware of the different buying powers the three of you have and won't hold it against the others simply because they can afford less than you. The sister is making it all about how she feels, not about how your dad feels. I think it's a lovely present you got him.

You can't do right for doing wrong, it seems.

Nah, I disagree with the majority. You are obligation to tell them. You don't don't speak to them otherwise (no wonder if this is the sort of thing they get wound up about) so why are they entitled to know?
You were asked if you wanted to contribute to a joint present. To which you said yes despite having already bought a present. So what? I actually don't understand the big deal here.

Are they just bent out of shape because they can't afford/didn't want to spend more?

Such a petty thing to get annoyed about.

Be honest OP, you booked an expensive gift because you wanted to come out on top in the sibling rivalry and be Mum and Dad’s favourite child, and you didn’t tell siblings because you didn’t want to share the glory.

You don’t ‘grow apart’ from siblings, you just haven’t made any effort to maintain a relationship.

Personally I don’t think you did anything wrong with the booking, and I don’t think it made the other gift look crap. My MiL has the means to spend a lot more on my daughter for her birthday than my parents, but it never makes my parents’ gifts look less. They’re more considerate for a start as MiL simply goes for value over suitability.

But YABU for the subtle brag and trying to ensure your siblings don’t get to share any of the glory.

How selfish, so your parents shouldn't get a nice weekend away because sister thinks it makes them look bad.

How naval gazing.

Blimey! As the sibling who put in an exhausting amount of one sided effort for at least 15 years before eventually giving up and letting things 'drift' that paragraph reads harshly indeed!

These days when I do things for my parents I do them for them, and for me. It's between us and not anyone elses business. Definitely not one upping anyone, that's way too much effort. Essentially try to give my siblings about as much thought and consideration which they'd give me, which is usually nothing.

Our family dynamic is similar, only with my brother he comes up with wildly expensive ideas for joint presents that he can't afford but expects me to fund. I generally can't afford it either, so the parents end up with a nice gift from me and typically nothing from my brother.
Personally, I wouldn't have gone in on a joint present with them.

There is no sibling rivalry because there is no relationship between us. I'm not in a rivalry with people I don't know and haven't talked to for years.

I've zero desire to be my parents "favourite child", on account of the fact I'm a grown woman in my late-30s.

Of course you can "drift apart" from siblings. I agree there's a lack of effort on both sides but I don't really see that as an issue. If you don't live close, you don't have anything much in common, you don't see each other then keeping up regular contact is forced, it's a chore, and so it slips by the wayside. Then life gets in the way, time goes on and suddenly it's been years. What I mean by "drifted apart" is that there was no big argument or falling out. Us not being in contact just kind of happened.

I think you shouldn’t have done the joint present as it does look a little like you are trying to one up your siblings. The 3 of us bought this but I also got you this 2k present (which of course you are entitled to do). I would have declined the offer of the joint present personally or been very clear about the gift you were buying separately (regardless if your sister would tell your mother). Sounds like your sister and you don’t get on, you think she causes drama and she thinks you make her look bad. Only you know your true intentions regarding this situation. Hopefully your parents enjoy the weekend, as that’s what’s most important.