Joint present drama.

[FuckOffCleanShirt]

I have two siblings. We are not close. I haven't talked to my sister for about ten years. I haven't talked to my brother for about three years. We haven't fallen out, we just drifted apart.

My dad has a big birthday this year. I booked a weekend away for my parents for his birthday months ago. I didn't mention it to anyone so my mum, dad and siblings didn't know I'd booked it. It cost £2K (this is relevant).

After I'd booked it, my sister suggested a joint present from the three of us.
I said I'd already got my dad something separate but I'd chip in.
My siblings said they could each chip in £50 so we agreed £150 for the joint present and my sister got him something.

It was his birthday the weekend, and I sent my dad a card with an itinerary of the weekend away that I'd booked for them.

Last night my sister rang me apoplectic because I'd booked my dad something separate, hadn't put my siblings on it, and made the joint present look shit because of the price difference.

I don't think I'm BU here but am I??

[I have NC by the way]

I didn't mention it to anyone so my mum, dad and siblings didn't know I'd booked it.

I should've been clear about my mum. Sorry. When I was booking it, I checked dates with her and told her to hold a few dates. What I mean is, I didn't tell her exactly what I'd booked, just that something would be happening that weekend.

Both of these can't be true?

And if it was happening that weekend, why did she need to hold a few dates? 😳

You probably should have said you’d already bought something just from you, and so the other 2 could club together without you. By adding to the joint present as well, it made it weird.
Here’s a 2k holiday just from me. Oh and here’s a pair of theatre tickets from all of us. Not sure if you needed to warn them about your extravagant gift, but you should have let the 2 siblings join together for their gift.

I didn't say that the "something" was specifically a weekend away because my sister would've definitely told my mum. And I wanted it to be a surprise for both of them.

It does look like you hid it on purpose or booked it after to outdo them.

But it sounds like they weren't in a position to compete anyway, since if all they could afford was £50, they weren't suddenly going to pull out another £600 they'd forgotten about to do an equal share of the weekend with you even if you had told them. So either you would have had an argument about it still but just earlier, or they would have talked you out of doing it and your dad wouldn't have had his nice present.

Oh come on, there's obviously more to it as once the joint present idea was brought up you could have declined stating you had bought something.

Oh.

You're right, maybe the mistake was contributing to the joint present.

Team OP. Who says yes I'll chip in but you should k ownive also spent 2k on parents!?

She said she had already got something. They could have asked what and asked to chip in.

It doesn't look bad on them in any way because most parents dint expect a 2k present. OP is lucky to be able to afford 2k and not miss it. Parents will like both gifts and shouldn't compare.

Could siblings have afforded £75 each? If bot perhaps they only asked her to chip in because they needed her money and that's why they've bothered to speak to her for the first time in years.

it's all a bit weird. So you haven't spoken to you sister since before his last big birthday and she randomly contacts you for the first time in a decade to ask you to chip in on a joint present? That's not just not a close relationship, that's a non existent one, so in fairness I don't think you're at fault for not giving any details about what you'd booked to someone who is essentially a stranger.

Personally I probably wouldn't have gone in on the joint present as well - it's already a huge price discrepancy but if that's what you wanted to spend then fair enough, but going in 1/3rd on the present as well is a proper kick in the teeth.
I can see how your siblings have interpreted it as 'Well I jointly contributed to your present and then got them my own even better present which cost 40 times as much as you spent." At least if they'd just got their present it would have just been from them.

Although as the pp said, who cares, worst that can happen if they are upset with you is they don't speak to you for another decade, which is just BAU!

It wasn't. You didn't make a mistake. If you hadn't chipped in they would have spun it that you think you're better than them by buying your own, more expensive gift. You couldn't win.

@FuckOffCleanShirt It was all fine until you decided not to tell your siblings when the question was asked about a joint present, that you had already spent a lot of money on a trip away.

I can only think of one reason that you didn't say anything then and it doesn't reflect well on you, I'm very sorry to say. You say you didn't want your sister to tell your Mum, but you agreed to the joint present. That was the thing that has caused the problem here.You must have realised, surely, that your siblings would have every right to feel angry and upset with you?? Also how it would look to both them and your parents. Would you have liked them to do that to you?

But I would be delighted to know if there was a different, good reason why you didn't say and still contributed to the second present?

You couldn't win.

I agree. And telling them about the weekend away earlier wouldn't have changed anything. I doubt they'd have suddenly had hundreds of pounds more in their budget. So the weekend away was always going to be the much larger gift.

@Silvers11 I did tell my siblings that I'd already got him something. As I said above, I didn't tell them specifically what it was because my sister would definitely have told my mum and I wanted it to be a surprise for her too.

But you still contributed to the second joint present. That is the killer point I was making. I've amended my post to make that clear?

I don't think you could've won either OP. Let it wash over you.

All you had to say was that you had already sorted your own gift so no need to go in on the joint present - then there would be no danger of your sis revealing anything.

I suspect you wanted the kudos of giving the biggest present while leaving your siblings offering looking rather meagre in comparison.

I can't see how you're to blame here. They could hardly have shared in contributing to the £2k gift equally or they'd have contributed a bit more than £50 for a shared present. Like you say, you are barely in touch and it sounds like the only reason she reached out to you was so the shared gift would be £150 not £100. You weren't able to tell her about the gift you'd already sorted because she's a blabbermouth and would have ruined the surprise for your parents. Sorry, but the only way you'd BU here would be if you were a) in touch with your DSIS more than once every 10 years and b) your DSIS wasn't a blabbermouth.

How does your suggestion of not going in on the joint present change the outcome in your second paragraph? If she wanted kudos, that would have come about either way.

I agree she should probably have just not bothered with the joint present. It's cost her £50 and has caused grief.

Totally agree with this. You can’t be NC for 10 years and then expect to know what other people are up to (in this case, buying parents a £2k weekend).

If you barely speak to them I don't see why they can moan at you for your gift to your dad. No doubt they'd have gone ape if you politely suggested they could chip in for the £2k gift you were planning. Saying it's too expensive or that he wouldn't like it etc.
As long as your dad is happy with the trip then that's all that matters. I wouldn't book a trip away for someone else without checking with them first but that's just me.

I don’t think you did anything wrong, you aren’t close to your siblings so why would you tell them what you’ve bought/arranged?

However if it was me I probably wouldn’t have got involved on the £150 joint present and just said I’ve sorted what I’m giving dad.

You shouldn't have chipped in for the joint present, you should have just said you'd already got something so just get something between them.

It sounds like your siblings don't have a lot of money which is why they wanted everyone to chip in for something.

Of course your present looks way better than theirs but you can afford £2k and they can't. That's not your fault, I'm sure you all had the same start and opportunities in life, you worked hard, got yourself a highly paid job and saved some money - they didn't, their choice.

I'm sure your Dad is aware of the financial differences between his children and appreciates both gifts equally.

It's not really normal to keep completely tight lipped about it.

Erm, it is if she's not talked to her sister for a decade or her brother for 3 years. That's not being tight lipped anyway. If they just don't have that kind of a relationship where they tell each other things. How she's acted is entirely in line with how they are together. Her sister being pissed off is no skin off her nose. It's not like they get on the rest of the time. She got her dad (and mum) a nice present because she wanted to and that's nobody else's business.

To me If you’re not close it’s not surprising you didn’t get into the details, you’ve other things to talk about! Nothing that can be done anyway!

Fine, so there's no point in the OP whinging about it.

She made her decision 🤷‍♂️