Joint present drama.

[FuckOffCleanShirt]

I have two siblings. We are not close. I haven't talked to my sister for about ten years. I haven't talked to my brother for about three years. We haven't fallen out, we just drifted apart.

My dad has a big birthday this year. I booked a weekend away for my parents for his birthday months ago. I didn't mention it to anyone so my mum, dad and siblings didn't know I'd booked it. It cost £2K (this is relevant).

After I'd booked it, my sister suggested a joint present from the three of us.
I said I'd already got my dad something separate but I'd chip in.
My siblings said they could each chip in £50 so we agreed £150 for the joint present and my sister got him something.

It was his birthday the weekend, and I sent my dad a card with an itinerary of the weekend away that I'd booked for them.

Last night my sister rang me apoplectic because I'd booked my dad something separate, hadn't put my siblings on it, and made the joint present look shit because of the price difference.

I don't think I'm BU here but am I??

[I have NC by the way]

OP, mute her.
At least she has confirmed your original decision was correct.

@Pipsquiggle I mean, yes, I guess 😅I can afford a £2K for a big birthday.

OP to answer your question, I think you could have handled this better. I would have said to my sister “look, I've bought them a fab weekend away which cost £2k – why don’t we share on that? I am happy for you to contribute whatever you want, doesn’t need to be a third of the cost." Then at least she and brother wpould have known what was what and could have said no, they were buying xyz for £100. But I guess you are not as such in the wrong.

I wondered where the weekend was - I see it is in London? £2k?? what are they doing? I have to say if I was your parents I would be worried about that sort of spend as a surprise. But maybe they are fine with it.

Meh I can totally see this happening to me. I'd have booked something thinking that the estranged family were never going to get together to do it, then sibling surprises me that they've thought about it and costed it all up etc, I wouldn't want to be difficult saying I'd already sorted something therefore making their research defunct, wouldn't have wanted to make it more expensive for them by pulling out, or make them feel like they should also do their own thing so I'd have tried to do the nice/right thing and also join in the joint pressie, wouldn't have wanted my pressie to look like one upping so would have just kept quiet and given it to my parents without bragging or mentioning it or anything and even though at every step I was trying super hard not to make any missteps it would have almost definitely ended up with me getting yelled at. Never would have been able to afford 2k 😂 Having families where things are difficult can be unnecessarily tough.

Yet, imo OP YANBU at all. If she's cross that is a her issue. I'd be feeling crap and guilty, but that doesn't make that statement any less true.

I think you could have told them you had already spent a large amount on a present, you didn't have to say exactly what it was and how much if you thought she would tell. But she probably thought "a present" meant something small and your 1/3 was the main present. Instead you bought something that makes our siblings' present look like nothing much. I think you handled this poorly. But you don't seem to like your sister, so I guess it doesn't matter if the relations continue to be cool.

I think it's a mean thing to do like you did it.

I have a sister who I get on OK with, we speak a couple of times a week. However, she has got form for this sort of thing. It drives me potty.

Me: Are you buying SoandSo a present for their celebration ?
Sister: No, I wasn't going to
Me: Shall we both agree not to then?
Sister: OK, let's not

Go to celebration, sister has bought a present which makes me look like a tight wad.

You should've asked them to come in on your present.

Why didnt you mention what you had already booked? Perhaps your siblings could have got something relevant to the weekend eg meal voucher, theatre ticketd etc depending on the location.
Technically you didn't do anything wrong but saying nothing about your gift could seem like you wanted to outdo them - it would have been easier to tell them what you had booked and let them contribute or would it have annoyed you sharing the credit for your idea....

But I'd already booked the weekend away so they couldn't really come in on it. I mean, okay, they could've transferred me £50 each towards the cost. But I'd made all the decisions about the trip. What I mean is - they might've had very different ideas about what a trip should look like and involve.

@clary There is a posh hotel, tasting menu, theater trip, first class train tickets. It soon mounts up. It's all stuff that my parents have been talking about for ages that they'd love to do. But they'd never ever book it for themselves.

@scotstars As I said earlier, I didn't say exactly what I'd got because my sister would've definitely told my mum and I wanted the trip to be a surprise for both of them.

I mean, if you haven't spoken to your sister for 10 years, I can imagine you didn't expect to hear from her about arranging joint presents?! That's weird in itself. So I don't think you were wrong to have already arranged something. When the £50 was mentioned, I might have said 'look, the gift I have arranged is significantly more expensive than that and I can't cancel it. Do you two want to put £50 each towards it and we'll call that the joint present' Without mentioning that you would be paying £1900! But then again, if it would be awkward to do that due to the lack of relationship, I can see that I might well have just kept quiet and done exactly what you have done. You couldn't undo the present, nor should you have done. It's a lovely thing to do for your dad if you can afford it. But I can also see why your sister is upset. Tricky situation.

I also think it's pretty easy to spend 2K on a weekend in London (not that I've done it, I hasten to add!!) Two nights in a posh London hotel would nearly cost that alone (£1500ish just for a standard room at the Ritz for 2 nights). Add in 2 of the best seats at a show (£200+), dinner and champagne in a fancy restaurant (another £200?) and I bet that's 2K done straight away.

@FuckOffCleanShirt X Post, sorry - basically, pretty much exactly what you've said!

@Modranihtandtomtens Yeah, you've hit the nail there. I do feel crap and guilty. But also a bit defensive because its my sister's problem, not mine.

I guess I feel a bit sad too that our first interaction in years ends in drama created by my sister. This tells me she hasn't changed, is very unlikely to change and, therefore, we're very unlikely to ever have a relationship. I sort of knew this but have a weird feeling now its kind of "confirmed". Sorry, I'm rambling

Do you two want to put £50 each towards it and we'll call that the joint present' Without mentioning that you would be paying £1900!

I would never do that, especially with siblings I haven’t spoken to in 10 years.

No, it would be weird, I agree. You need a good relationship to be able to pull that off without looking condescending/braggy. But I might have ended up trying it in an attempt to keep everyone happy. I think you're right that it would have backfired though!!

I can see how their noses have been put out of joint, but this was always going to happen.

Your mom held dates, and you booked. Naturally I presume she's not a nosy bigger who can't wait for the birthday surprise.

As for your siblings, if they wanted to go joint on £150, they were never going to afford 1/3 of £2k and given you don't really have a relationship, there was no obligation to tell them what your separate gift was.

You've done nothing wrong.

Tell me you have no issues with your siblings without telling me you have no issues with your siblings 🙄

OP... put yourself in her shoes.

Her present will look cheap because of the amount you have splashed out.

I bet your Dad would have been far more delighted to think his children could actually get together enough to sort a present for him... from you all.

I think when your sister approached you it would have been better to say 'Oh, I've already bought a present, what a pity', but that ship's sailed. And if your relationship with her is strained, you might have had an earful from her wanting to know why you didn't tell her you were getting him something. That's what my sister, whom I handle with kid gloves, would have done: nothing I say or do is ever right.

What's done is done. I might explain by saying that you'd bought him a gift from you (and your family if you have one) but you liked the idea of a joint gift from all three of you, so you matched their contributions. But ultimately when there's such a financial gulf between family members, there are always going to be hard feelings. I don't think you did anything wrong.

I don't see you have done anything wrong. You told them you had bought something, I assume they didn't ask what that was. You also agreed to chip in with a joint present. Is she angry because you bought your father a nice present for his birthday, or that you chipped in for a joint present?

@Hadalifeonce She's pissed off about my present - that it was clearly much more expensive than the joint one so makes the joint one look shit.

I think your sister would have found offence whatever you did but she’d have had less ammunition if you declined to contribute to the joint gift. I’d go back to NC with her now!

that it was clearly much more expensive than the joint one so makes the joint one look shit.

It doesn't make the joint gift look like shit. I'd welcome a £150 gift any day of the week! You're making a big mistake if you're thinking that bigger and flashier always equals better. I'm now beginning to feel a bit more sympathy for your siblings.

I wonder if your sister is thinking the first interaction she’s had with you in years has ended in drama caused by you pulling the wool over her eyes, perhaps she thinks this will never change? I cannot for the life of me think why you’d contribute to a ‘joint’ present as well as the very lovely extravagant gift you’ve bought.

You have every right to buy the gift you can afford but it does seem a little sly you didn’t mention it to your siblings, from an outsider it seems like you wanted the one up man ship with an element of surprise for effect?

@pattihews Oh me too. "It makes the [joint present] look shit" were her exact words.

@Pippa12 I've been clear throughout the thread that I did tell my sibling I'd already got my dad something. I didn't tell them what it was because my sister would've immediately told my mum and I wanted to surprise my mum as well.

I really do regret contributing to the joint present though the outcome would've still been the same.