Joint present drama.

[FuckOffCleanShirt]

I have two siblings. We are not close. I haven't talked to my sister for about ten years. I haven't talked to my brother for about three years. We haven't fallen out, we just drifted apart.

My dad has a big birthday this year. I booked a weekend away for my parents for his birthday months ago. I didn't mention it to anyone so my mum, dad and siblings didn't know I'd booked it. It cost £2K (this is relevant).

After I'd booked it, my sister suggested a joint present from the three of us.
I said I'd already got my dad something separate but I'd chip in.
My siblings said they could each chip in £50 so we agreed £150 for the joint present and my sister got him something.

It was his birthday the weekend, and I sent my dad a card with an itinerary of the weekend away that I'd booked for them.

Last night my sister rang me apoplectic because I'd booked my dad something separate, hadn't put my siblings on it, and made the joint present look shit because of the price difference.

I don't think I'm BU here but am I??

[I have NC by the way]

You're right that I should've declined the joint present. But I suspect my final point would still stand - my sister would be pissed off at the price difference.

You are not close and have not been in communication with your siblings for years.

So I understand why you did not feel the need to consult them, people who have not had any involvement in our life for years, when planning your present.

You have done nothing wrong and they can't just expect to contact you out of the blue and give you a telling off after all this time.

Too much unnecessary drama...

Was she whinging? Thought she was fine about it then surprised DSis was apoplectic so asking if she WBU.

No YANBU. What you choose to gift your parents is nothing at all to do with your NC siblings. Your sister is batshit.

@Startingagainandagain The drama is very much part of the reason we've drifted apart over the years 😬

It's an awkward thing to navigate, as they might not have been able to afford to spend that on a present. So even if you'd told them what you had already gotten, they might have been upset that you were doing something significantly more expensive/impressive.
It might have been worth trying to broach it along the lines of 'okay I'll contribute to the joint present, but I've spent quite a bit on my personal present as I felt it was a big birthday to celebrate and didn't realise we'd be doing a joint present' just to try and lay a bit of a hint, because that is a big difference.
If joint presents aren't the norm then I don't see why you would have brought it up with them prior.
Hopefully this upset doesn't overshadow your parents experience!

I don't think you did anything wrong.

You had bought a present already, you told them, and still went in on a joint present. They both knew this. Neither asked what the present was.

I messaged my brother 7(!) weeks ago to ask about our mum's birthday. He said there were no plans. I told him my mum's plans with her friends the week before her birthday, and asked if it was ok to take her out for cocktails this Friday and a nice tapas dinner from me and the kids. He said sure.
My mum knew. She saved the date.
She phoned yesterday because my stinking marvelous brother has booked her a fabulous trip away this Friday for the weekend so she has to cancel my plans.

Now that's shitty.

So now we're going next Tuesday and the venue, once I'd explained, said they have an offer on Tuesdays and they'll do it all half price. I haven't told anyone it's cheaper. And that's a wee bit shitty of me. But I think I deserve that little win.
Siblings are weird.

I think it’s key that you had no intention of gazumping or embarrassing your siblings with a “better” gift as you’d already bought it by the time the joint gift came up. The mistake was joining the joint gift. However, it sounds like your sister would have reacted poorly even if you’d declined to contribute as let’s face it a $2k gift is much more impressive. Her reaction is about her feeling inadequate and insecure. But that’s her issue, not yours. You can spend whatever you bloody well like (if you can afford to) and it’s none of her business.

I see a lot of words on here about people being able to what they like with their own money.
Why can’t OP? Her parents, her hard-earned cash, and she wanted to treat her parents.
I agree if these siblings were close it might have been unwise to keep it from the other two, but if you don’t speak you can plan your own present.
Perhaps OP contributed to the joint present to avoid drama.
I am sure as long as the parents were happy then that’s all that matters.
Even if the sister was unhappy then to be quite frank, that’s her problem.

You told the you had already got a present but would also chip in with theirs. So I don’t see why your sister is pissed off

she could do the same

The whole thing is weird. You haven't even spoken to your sister, not a word, for a decade and suddenly she's getting in touch suggesting joint presents? After ten years of zero contact?

I don't think you needed to tell your siblings in advance that you'd booked a weekend away for your dad - I mean, you haven't told each other anything else in the past three / ten years respectively, so why would you tell them about that? - but I think you should have just said when your sister got in touch that you'd already sorted a present and therefore didn't want to go in with the joint gift she'd suggested. It's the fact that you went in on the joint gift AND got them a weekend away separately that looks odd, I think.

Its upsetting for the parents, they probably wish no one had bothered buying anything.

@MasterShardlake I have no idea how much my parents know of the drama. My sister has never been one for concealing her feelings for others' sake. So in some ways they're quite used to just shrugging it off and might not actually be that bothered.

Edited to add: I love your username @MasterShardlake Love those books!

I don't think you need to explain yourself. If you can afford that and wanted to buy it then great.

Where you went wrong was you shouldn't have bothered chipping in with their present. Keep away from them!

@babasaclover Very true. I guess a part of me assumed that my sister would be ten years more mature than when we last interacted. Alas, apparently not.

It’s entirely up to you what you do with your money and the fact that you’re not close to your siblings and rarely see them means that you do not owe them an explanation at all.

If one of my wealthier siblings had spent that kind of money on our mum, I’d have been delighted for her.

Complaining that it makes them look bad clearly shows that all they care about is how they are perceived by others. Not very generous of spirit are they?? Fuck ‘em off for another 10 yrs. 😂

Haven't seen my narcissistic one for 5 years and honestly life is easier without the drama. I am 10 years younger and could do no right, everything came back full circle to her. Absolute drain, friends of the family call her the mood hoover cause she sucks all the life out of the world

Hope your dad appreciated the trip :-)

Considering you haven't spoken to your sister for ten years and your brother for three, I don't think you've done anything wrong really.
I mean, 2k on a present is a bit wild in my book but that's up to you. I'd have probably not gone in with the joint present as well and I can understand that your siblings are a bit miffed that their £50 each looks a bit pathetic compared to your £2000 but that's all I'd be pissed off about. Did you want to get one up on them?
Out of curiosity, where the bloody hell is the weekend away that costs 2k?!!!!!

I find this confusing, you hadn't spoken with your sister for 10 years and she phones up and asks if you want to get a joint gift, that is bizarre.
I guess you can just go back to not talking to them now, nothing will have changed.

@FuckOffCleanShirt i don’t think you did anything wrong at all. You told your sibling you’d already got a big birthday present and you were generous enough to contribute to a second present. You’re not close to them. You each have your own relationship with your parents. You’re totally within your rights to mark it as you want to. You would be even if you were close to your siblings!

@rainbowstardrops London 😂

What was more important to you? Knowing you'd bought the biggest and best present and proving your superiority, or giving your dad a Happy Birthday?

Because I can 100% guarantee he'd have been far happier with one present you all got together (whether it was the cheaper one, or whether you simply got your siblings to chip in what they could afford and you jointly gave the trip) plus his children getting on together than he will be with two presents and sibling relationships being further damaged.

I think you knew what you doing, and deliberately kept quiet thinking you were getting one up on your siblings, but actually you have just made yourself look like a dick and upset everyone, including your parents.

Are you minted @FuckOffCleanShirt ?

Is dropping £2k on a weekend away for you like someone else (or your siblings) having a weekend staying at a Premier Inn?
(Nothing wrong with a Premier Inn BTW, just the difference in cost is vast).

If you are minted and the fact that you haven't spoken to your siblings in years, I don't think you have done anything wrong. You told them you got your DF a present - they should have asked what.

If you hadn't have chipped in with the joint present, and they had got a gift of £100 between them, she would have been EVEN MORE apoplectic about your gift over shadowing hers.

Ignore her, stupid woman. She gave what SHE wanted, and is annoyed that you gave what YOU wanted.

I think we share the same sister

@mrsm43s Most important to me was getting my dad a present that I knew he (and my mum) had always wanted but would never buy themselves. My siblings didn't even enter my head when I was looking/booking.

As I said, I didn't keep quiet - I told my siblings I'd got my dad something. I didn't elaborate because my sister would've just immediately told my mum. As I also said, I'm not sure how much my parents are aware of my sister's drama over this. Either way, they're quite used to her drama so I very much doubt it'd upset them.