MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

[Gul8]

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable to request to not share itinerary with MIL every time we go on holiday?

Me and my DH are in our late 30s/early 40s with 2 primary school age DC.
Last time we went on a long-haul holiday MIL called the hotel we were staying at in a stress to make sure we arrived OK (hotel staff told us at breakfast). We were jetlagged and arrived in the middle of the night and DH was probably exhausted from a long flight with little kids and was going to text her a few hours later at breakfast.

I feel its quite intrusive that my DH shares a full itinerary of where we are at our holidays.

My family don't expect me to even tell them we've arrived OK on a foreign holiday let alone give them an itinerary of our hotel stays. My family are caring but I think they realize we are adults with our own families and at some point in adulthood you stop informing your parents of your holiday whereabouts?

I realize this is due to MIL concerns for our welfare and her anxieties probably but AIBU to want to try to put an end to this and tell her she needs to find a different way to manage her anxiety around her son and grandchildrens/my children's whereabouts?

I've already told her it makes me uncomfortable when she asked for details of a holiday in front me a while after that long-haul holiday, she responded that DH has always done it (I didn't know!) and she just wants to make sure her son and grandchildren are safe.

We let our parents know we've arrived safely, and that's it. They don't need details of what we are doing and when.

It is probably second nature for your DH to placate his mum’s anxieties.

To be honest, I don’t really see how it’s intrusive for her to know what hotel you’re staying at.

I always let my mum know when we have arrived at our destination and then I phone her sporadically during the holiday.

i don’t give her an itinerary of where we are staying etc however when my gran was alive she used to give my uncle flight times, flight numbers and hotels ….just in case.

I always put a text on the family thread… normally a picture of the “Arrivals” sign with “landed safe” on. There is time sat on the plane waiting to get off, or waiting for baggage .. takes 20 seconds

It's probably what your husband is used to doing , so it's ingrained . I might send a pic or call home but some of my siblings wouldn't even know I was away. I wouldn't give anyone an itinerary or give them a blow by blow of my holiday.bod imagine most people would be bored by it . Mil sounds like she's used to knowing what is going on all the time , is your dh an only child?

I've never done any of this, I'll often mention we're going on holiday but then just post something on the family Whatsapp often a few days in to the holiday. Travel isn't that dangerous. All the "we've arrived safely" stuff after any long car journey/ travelling just reinforces the travel is scary and dangerous mentality.

You are quite right, OP - she does not need to know, so no need to tell her. Holidays are supposed to be about "getting away from it all" not taking it all with you!

I hate this and I think it's quite a narcissistic thing, like the world is so dangerous and you are only safe with mummy. It's a shit message to give your kids.

I'd have to ignore it and not get involved.

My family don't expect me to even tell them we've arrived OK on a foreign holiday let alone give them an itinerary of our hotel stays.

I think the problem is you are so far at the opposite end. Theres really no issue with letting a close family member know you’ve arrived at your destination safely, it’s not really overbearing and a fairly normal interaction.

If your OH has always done it then let him continue to do that - don’t get involved. And my advice is that if she’s poking her nose into ur holiday itinerary then she will want to poke her nose into other aspects of ur life. Take a massive step back, let ur husband take the lead and information diet that is agreed between u and ur OH from now on.

Your DH grew up with this behaviour so to him it's completely normal, but we all know requiring a full itinerary of your 40yr olds family holiday is not.

YANBU

I text my mum when I have landed. She is a bit of a fusspot but it keeps her from worrying and I can easily do it. She used to do it for her anxious mum, finding pay phones and phone cards whenever we first arrived somewhere so it is much easier now.

Not sure I’d be sharing an itinerary because that sounds like overkill at 40!

Full holiday itenary? Or just "I've landed safe"?

Christ no, I wouldn't be having that. 'We arrived safely late last night, speak you next week' by text is one thing, a quick call if you really must (I'm looking at you, DH) but a full itinerary is quite another. I'd find someone calling the hotel extremely intrusive.

Also very telling that she just wants to know her Son & Grandchildren are safe! No concern for you OP, you could have been kidnapped en route from the airport, doesn't sound like she'd be bothered

I'd tell parents arrived safely. After that depends on length of trip. If it was a 2 week trip I'd likely have called half way through for a chat (but generally called once a week anyway).

Bevause it sounds like a "we are staying here on this date" which I think is normal, and you're blowing it up to be a "full, every move we make itenary"

Yes you're probably right.We have had fairly different family upbringing, so hence the AIBU post!
I think my family just assume we're OK and it's not dangerous?
DH's family have a history of travelling loads around the world, so long-haul isn't foreign to them.

Her ringing the hotel is insane behaviour and I would use that to put a stop to this. Your DH's habit of letting her know you're safe is clearly causing more anxiety than it helps with

Given your MIL is the anxious type, a text to say you’re safely there ( from DH) is fine and helps prevent the escalation to phone calls.
Full itinerary is too much , but again if DH chooses to share it before you go, and as long as it doesn’t interfere with your holiday, I would let it go as general interest.

If she progresses into other areas of your life, shut it down fast. My own MIL was like this. As pp have said, DH was so conditioned to it, it took him a while to understand how intrusive it felt to me. But we got there.

Meh. I’m 60. Still let stepdad and kids know we’ve arrived safely/where we are.

(Your kids are always your kids, whatever age)

I would be fine letting her know we arrived safely and dh sending messages here and there about nice time is normal, bur shouldnt be full itinerary or a worry for her if he doesnt message constantly.

I don't think I'd have any issue at all with "we've landed safe" or anything similar. It's the hotel details being shared and the calling of the hotel when DH clearly just forgot to text her. Again, 2 little kids, flights etc take priority and energy generally on flights.

I was embarrassed when the hotel manager told me in the morning that grandma had called and that she was worried etc. Because I think we're adults I guess (near 40s!)

Before that point I don't think I realized she had the hotel details of every stay.

I can see both sides. Just because our kids are grown up it doesn't mean we don't worry about them.

Your DH should tell her she doesn't need a full itinerary and to please not call the hotel, but in return he will always text to say you've arrived safely.

It's a fine line. I ask them to let me know they arrive safely and hotel name but i would never ask for further itinerary details.