MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

[Gul8]

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable to request to not share itinerary with MIL every time we go on holiday?

Me and my DH are in our late 30s/early 40s with 2 primary school age DC.
Last time we went on a long-haul holiday MIL called the hotel we were staying at in a stress to make sure we arrived OK (hotel staff told us at breakfast). We were jetlagged and arrived in the middle of the night and DH was probably exhausted from a long flight with little kids and was going to text her a few hours later at breakfast.

I feel its quite intrusive that my DH shares a full itinerary of where we are at our holidays.

My family don't expect me to even tell them we've arrived OK on a foreign holiday let alone give them an itinerary of our hotel stays. My family are caring but I think they realize we are adults with our own families and at some point in adulthood you stop informing your parents of your holiday whereabouts?

I realize this is due to MIL concerns for our welfare and her anxieties probably but AIBU to want to try to put an end to this and tell her she needs to find a different way to manage her anxiety around her son and grandchildrens/my children's whereabouts?

I've already told her it makes me uncomfortable when she asked for details of a holiday in front me a while after that long-haul holiday, she responded that DH has always done it (I didn't know!) and she just wants to make sure her son and grandchildren are safe.

I always let my parents know that I have arrived safely. And text/send pictures regularly so they can see what I've been up to.

No @Upschittscreek1, your mil is not remotely the same!

Chill out.
Be kind.

That’s it really!

Exactly. You can tell who on this thread has experience of an anxious, catastrophising family member who will immediately leap to the conclusion that you have died in a car crash if you don't answer your phone immediately and who hasn't.

The pressure to constantly soothe their anxiety is immense, and it is never enough.

I once didn't mention to my mother that I was going to the cinema, and when I emerged and switched my phone back on there were countless missed calls and increasingly panicked messages, with more on the answerphone at home. She didn't need to talk to me for any particular reason, there was no emergency, there was no reason to think I was doing anything dangerous, I just wasn't where she thought I would be (at home) and she instantly went into full-on panic mode. She would probably have started phoning police and hospitals if I hadn't called her back after I got out of the film.

Living with the awareness of that kind of reaction is exhausting and suffocating, and it ruins relationships - I gradually found myself spending so much mental energy on managing my mother's anxiety and concealing any aspect of my life that might worry her that I finally just said I couldn't do it any more and refused to do things like let her know when I had arrived somewhere.

Apparently he's been sending the text for years, without it being any kind of issue. So much so that OP didn't even know he was doing it, until the time he forgot. So it can't have had even the tiniest effect on the family holidays.

Yes, MIL overreacted.
But asking for a text when you arrive, isn't controlling.
I had the most chilled, lovely, accepting and non-intrusive mil. But when we left their house for the 2.5 hr journey home, she always asked us to let her know when we arrived. I never once considered that too be intrusive or controlling. Because it wasn't..

😅

@Gul8 in the nicest possible way, it might seem over the top but there's no real harm. I'd be grateful she cares so much, even if it was a bit irritating. Would your mother irritate you if she wanted to know where you were? If mil has bad anxiety and you can quell it by simply letting her know where you are in advance (I'm guessing she's not expecting to be called and spoke to all the time?) Why are you making out like it's a burden to you. One thing I would say is, our parents won't be with us forever and one day your husband will miss her. Just choose kindness I'd say.

@Gul8 another thing to add is that one day you will likely be a mother in law, you get to show your kids how to treat people and I honestly believe you reap what you sow, so if you genuinely think this is something you can't abide and that you'll never require contact like this that's totally fine for you. Just something to consider x

I was embarrassed when the hotel manager told me in the morning that grandma had called…

Ah, there’s your problem. You’re more concerned about the hotel manager’s opinion of you than about your mother-in-law’s peace of mind.

I stopped doing this because every time we went on holiday I would get a message that one of both of my parents were desperately ill and “not expected to make it through the night”. Of course they turned out to be fine but they couldn’t stand that we were having a nice holiday and weren’t giving them attention. She is using a lesser technique of “being worried sick about you” but it’s still attention seeking behaviour.

I don't know which hotels my kids are staying in but they do text me when they've landed

Your MIL has anxiety though and that can make people act irrationally (or what non anxious people would perceive as irrationally) so I'm not sure there's any purpose comparing her with the general public.

I'd just let dp deal with it and make sure you don't get involved. He clearly doesn't mind managing her this way though I can see why it would feel odd to you!

I think you are being unreasonable if she simply wants to know you arrived safely. When my parents or the in-laws go away, they share flight dates/times/numbers, hotel names, addresses and contact numbers and they pop us a message to let us know they’ve arrived safely. But none of us expect a day by day, blow by blow account of where they are going/eating etc. that is ott

@OnlyHasEyesForLoki "I stopped doing this because every time we went on holiday I would get a message that one of both of my parents were desperately ill and “not expected to make it through the night”. Of course they turned out to be fine but they couldn’t stand that we were having a nice holiday and weren’t giving them attention. She is using a lesser technique of “being worried sick about you” but it’s still attention seeking behaviour."

But the OP's mil is nothing like that. Nothing. She wants a text, ffs! And has been getting one for years, without the OP even knowing about it.

Just let her know that you will let her know when you get there and are settled. End of. Any other communication should come from you casually as and when.

I'm really surprised at the majority of replies on this thread. No one on either side of our family routinely texts to say they have arrived somewhere safely. What's the point? Routine travel is very safe. Presumably most on this thread aren't travelling to Sudan or Ukraine.

Pre-covid I used to travel very regularly for work. I can't imagine texting my parents every time I went somewhere for a meeting.

Presumably a lot of people on this thread started travelling in the pre-mobile days. Back then you would just send a postcard at some point, which invariably arrived at its destination after you had returned from your trip. Why do we now need to text?

It was massively intrusive of your MiL to call the hotel, instead of texting her son and waiting 24 hours. She is clearly very anxious and obsessive. But ultimately it is up to your DH how he handles her anxiety. I would certainly ask him to make it clear she is not to call hotel except in emergency, and withdraw itinterary priviledges if she doesn't stop intruding.

@Katbum "She is clearly very anxious and obsessive"
Oh, such bollocks. You have obviously never met a very anxious and obsessive person.

People who send a quick text or call to say they've arrived at their destination & share details of the flights & accommodation generally only do this when the whole family are away for a couple of weeks.

It was completely normal in my family growing up to give three 'prangs' on the phone to let someone know you were home safe for even short trips IE from Grandma's house back home when phone calls to landlines were expensive. So it's just a continuation of that.

I have, and calling a hotel to check that they were OK in the absence of a routine 'landed safely' text is the sort of thing they would do.

Eurgh I hate this. Unless you're holidaying in a war zone there's no need for any messages. I never message anyone when I'm on holiday because I want to forget about everything and relax. That type of behaviour just feeds her anxiety because it's not like she could actually do anything if something happened anyway. As a compromise if she really won't back off just message once to say landed and don't share any hotel/other details.

Dear mil
We are away x to y date. We are staying at z hotel. You have our personal contacts should you need to get in touch.
Nothing more required. Sometimes parents need to just let go.

I don't describe leaving details of flights & accommodation in case of emergencies plus a quick text or call to say we've arrived & will be in touch when back home as not letting go. I describe it as being considerate.

Apologies wrong quote. I meant to add quote from poster saying 'sometimes parents need to let go'

I don't think you really understand the definition of 'itinerary' OP.

lol. You seem sane.