MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

[Gul8]

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable to request to not share itinerary with MIL every time we go on holiday?

Me and my DH are in our late 30s/early 40s with 2 primary school age DC.
Last time we went on a long-haul holiday MIL called the hotel we were staying at in a stress to make sure we arrived OK (hotel staff told us at breakfast). We were jetlagged and arrived in the middle of the night and DH was probably exhausted from a long flight with little kids and was going to text her a few hours later at breakfast.

I feel its quite intrusive that my DH shares a full itinerary of where we are at our holidays.

My family don't expect me to even tell them we've arrived OK on a foreign holiday let alone give them an itinerary of our hotel stays. My family are caring but I think they realize we are adults with our own families and at some point in adulthood you stop informing your parents of your holiday whereabouts?

I realize this is due to MIL concerns for our welfare and her anxieties probably but AIBU to want to try to put an end to this and tell her she needs to find a different way to manage her anxiety around her son and grandchildrens/my children's whereabouts?

I've already told her it makes me uncomfortable when she asked for details of a holiday in front me a while after that long-haul holiday, she responded that DH has always done it (I didn't know!) and she just wants to make sure her son and grandchildren are safe.

It's normal to let immediate family know the hotel you will be staying at, and ask you to let them know you've arrived safely. That's it.

The rest is bizarre, and if it annoys you, of course it can just stop, dh doesn't have to pander to her.

She sounds utterly mental though, so it might be best just to let dh keep telling her the details for the sake of peace.

My Dad is a bit like this. Used to drive me bananas when I was younger (39 now), but I've come to realise it comes from a place of care, plus in the grand scheme it's fairly harmless. I'll probably look back on it fondly in years to come.

It actually come in useful once in 20 or so years, when he called the hotel landline to notify me of a family emergency (early days of mobile phones and signal was patchy and unreliable).

I’m someone whose family had a sudden illness and bereavement while another family member was on a cruise ship so knowing which ship they were on, with which company, enabled us to contact them via the cruise line, which allowed them to choose to immediately come home from the next port. Mobile phones aren’t always reliable.

So I always share an itinerary with my family, and vice versa, but with the expectation it is for emergency use only. I’d be horrified if they phoned a hotel to check we landed safely - as I once pointed out to someone, if the plane crashes, you’ll hear about it regardless!

It's normal to let immediate family know the hotel you will be staying at, and ask you to let them know you've arrived safely. That's it

Wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even get the level of "letting me know what hotel you're at" now she's prone to ringing them up!

Of course they are (and I speak as a mum
of two DC in their mid-late twenties) but….so often I hear this sort of thing used as an excuse for controlling and intrusive behaviour. I am in no way saying that this is true of the PP here but I’ve seen it done in my own life.

Of course your children are always going to be incredibly precious to you, however old they are, but that’s not a reason to treat them like minors. They are your kids, but they’re not children and so we parents and in-laws need to be really careful not to treat them as such just because we have our own hang ups and insecurities.

I say that as a mum and mum in law but I’m also a daughter and daughter in law (in my mid fifties so in the middle of the generation sandwich!). My own mum is always pleased to hear that we’ve arrived at our destination and loves it if I send her a photo or two whilst we’re there but would never ask and has no clue ever which specific hotel we’re staying at. My ILs on the other hand track the plane we’re on! They also have many more opinions on other things we do ie moving house (‘have you asked the solicitor whether…?’) or the new medication DH is on (‘do you know you have to take it after food?’ FIL is a retired pharmacist). We both find it semi amusing and semi annoying. When challenged on it it’s harder for them to say ‘your children are always your children…’ these days because we have adult kids of our own so we answer that they’re our kids but not children and we try to treat them as such. I think we have a better relationship with our kids because of it.

Our kids can (and do) come and ask our advice on things. When DS and DIL were buying their first house they phoned to ask DH to talk them through their different mortgage options before they spoke to the advisor. When decorating their kitchen they asked me what the options were for their cupboard doors etc etc. But we don’t just give unsolicited advice, nor do we expect them to update us every time they travel somewhere, even abroad. Sometimes we get a photo of something funny they’ve seen or something of mutual interest but I go on the basis that no news is good news. Giving all your travel details to a family member back home is no use anyway if you’re in an accident abroad because the hospital would still have no clue who to call!

I think it depends on the holiday type. If we're staying put in one hotel in a reasonably safe country then I'd send a quick text when we'd arrived but no way will I fuss around telling extended family every little trip we're on. However in a few months we're travelling to south east asia and moving about a fair bit to some quite remote areas so will definitely check in with my mum and share a basic itinery.

I think how much you share with your inlaws is surely up to their son... Unless you think they're going to stalk you or are being ridiculously fussy and wanting minute by minute accounts then surely there's no harm sending a quick 'we're here and safe' text and I don't really think that's much to ask. It's probably easier for all involved just to do this. He should be doing it though.

In both mine and DH’s culture we 100% share the whole holiday itinerary and call regularly but we come from cultures where travelling long distances, until very recently, resulted in death so families would pray for the travellers. Lol mil often even puts a photo of a plane in her temple when she prays. I think it’s a bit sad that you wouldn’t be willing to do whatever it takes to reassure what is clearly an anxious and loving mum.

Letting people know you've arrived safely and giving the hotel details in case of some kind of emergency is reasonable and normal. I'd frame that as the compromise option.

Now that the OP knows her MIL is a nutter, she can certainly put a stop to her husband pandering to this rubbish, if she wants to.

Well she can if she wishes to style herself as a controlling nutter.

Or she could choose to be normal and let her (presumably grown-ass) husband tell who he chooses.

MIL and DM want itineraries of our holidays. We figured if it helps them stay calm then why not. MIL would like to be able to track our phones - we refuse this on the grounds ridiculous and intrusive.

I think it is about finding a balance. I would not be wowed with either of them phoning a hotel though.

I don't think it's "normal" to let people know you've arrived safely at your holiday destination, actually.

We went to Japan this year leaving our 20 year old son at home. We didn't let him know we'd arrived safely and he didn't ask us to.

Are we really that unusual?

My DM (90) ticked me off (59) for not letting her know I'd got across the channel safely on the ferry and arrived in Normandy. It annoyed me SO much that I started a thread on here about it!

I don't think this should be an issue. I never tell my parents what hotel I'm staying in, however now thinking about it maybe that is a good idea.
She cares and wanted to know you're all ok, the call was a bit over the top on her part bur harmless. I really don't see what you have to gain by not telling her which hotel you are staying in.

I tell my mum now but she's 94 and very anxious, I never used to. I think she's being too controlling.

Quick text when we land to say we have arrived safe and that's about it

Maybe this is a generational thing as mobile phones are a relatively new thing, but I have never contacted my parents to let them know I arrived when on holiday. And they certainly didn't ask for or receive from me details of the hotel, flights, itinerary etc. If they were lucky they were sent a postcard which probably arrived after I got home.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - modern communications tech can make you too available.

Of course your children are always going to be incredibly precious to you, however old they are, but that’s not a reason to treat them like minors. They are your kids, but they’re not children and so we parents and in-laws need to be really careful not to treat them as such just because we have our own hang ups and insecurities

I agree wholeheartedly, well said @CountryGirlInTheCity.

I find/found it extremely off-putting when my parents and inlaws did this sort of infantalising (cleaning in our house, making little checks and comments about have we done this or that, why haven't we fixed this or that) ... it gave me the parental ick if you like and I would have been closer to them all if they could have just controlled themselves.

Sharing flight and hotel details for a long haul trip in the expectation it is for emergency use only, totally normal. Ringing the hotel to see if you’ve arrived is batshit.

i have travelled a lot long haul and so does DB. We’d always text parents to say landed ok, but that would be it. DM is VERY anxious and would love a blow by blow account of the trip but not happening. I get “you know how I worry”, but I pointed out that in this day and age, she’d probably hear very quickly if the plane crashed or was hijacked and even then, what could she do about it. I’ve asked her how worrying so excessively helps a situation, but she just says “I can’t help it”. Given her age I think she’s well beyond any self help or even self awareness that she’s doing it.

I always give my mum an itinerary, and I ask my adult sons for one too. I like to know where they are in case of disaster - earthquake, fire, that kind of thing. People do go missing abroad for all sorts of reasons and if necessary I want to be able to give as much detail as possible on their possible whereabouts.
It's pretty easy to forward hotel details/flight numbers etc and to text on arrival if you know it will allay someone's fears.

I think it’s intrusive and also incredibly self indulgent to “worry” about that sort of thing when there’s absolutely no cause.

I think the only people you owe an arrival text to are people you live with.

All this “oh I worry if I don’t get a text” - no you don’t really, you just want to make sure your relatives are thinking about you and your needs when on holiday.

There’s no reason to do anything but assume adult children are fine unless you have actually heard of a plane crash or similar.

How does it affect you, @Gul8? If it stops her worrying and it doesn't affect you, then it's a bit unkind not to let her know when you've arrived.

@LindorDoubleChoc 'The parental ick', good phrase! 😄

Another thing, of course, is that the causing a fuss - phoning and getting the hotel involved, worrying other people and making them scurry about - is (maybe subconsciously, maybe not) a form of 'punishment' for going away - 'look what you made me do!' I've seen that in play in my family.

Unless the massive dripfeed is that your MIL has a medivac helicopter... 😉🚁

She is being way over the top, and personally I don't get the let people know you've arrived safely thing, of course I have, and if I haven't what can they do about it.

However, I doubt she is going to change now and giving her a quick update text seems like a reasonable compromise. Sending a text takes seconds, you could even type it in advance and just press send. Or how about scheduling an email to send at the time you expect to be there.

Not needing to know another competent adults movements is not the same as not caring. It is none of my business where my adult children are day to day. If you think it is, then watch out, you are a future difficult MIL in the making!

DH learnt not to this after IL booked themselves into same resort same time few years running. We made it work but it got to much for even DH - then they were trying to prise information out the kids - but couldn't get dates so went two weeks before and were experts on place I'd been multiple times.

My DP did used to demand instant phone calls - but their parents had done same and I remember first task for many holidays was find a phone box and call them. Visits after they had to ring immediately got back home as well and explain why it took longer if they stopped off.

It was never a short call to my parents and often worst time as my kid tired and wanting attention - and over years found if I told them less and then phoned next day on beach everyone was actually happier and worried less. Calling asap and giving information was actually feeding the anxiety - opposite of what you'd expect.

Sure, share your flight details with one person, but if that’s not you (in the case of the MIL) it doesn’t give the right to be phoning hotels and all that.