MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

[Gul8]

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable to request to not share itinerary with MIL every time we go on holiday?

Me and my DH are in our late 30s/early 40s with 2 primary school age DC.
Last time we went on a long-haul holiday MIL called the hotel we were staying at in a stress to make sure we arrived OK (hotel staff told us at breakfast). We were jetlagged and arrived in the middle of the night and DH was probably exhausted from a long flight with little kids and was going to text her a few hours later at breakfast.

I feel its quite intrusive that my DH shares a full itinerary of where we are at our holidays.

My family don't expect me to even tell them we've arrived OK on a foreign holiday let alone give them an itinerary of our hotel stays. My family are caring but I think they realize we are adults with our own families and at some point in adulthood you stop informing your parents of your holiday whereabouts?

I realize this is due to MIL concerns for our welfare and her anxieties probably but AIBU to want to try to put an end to this and tell her she needs to find a different way to manage her anxiety around her son and grandchildrens/my children's whereabouts?

I've already told her it makes me uncomfortable when she asked for details of a holiday in front me a while after that long-haul holiday, she responded that DH has always done it (I didn't know!) and she just wants to make sure her son and grandchildren are safe.

Yes someone having basic understanding of where you are I think is helpful - take the Spanish floods knowing someone was there and can’t be contacted can be helpful.

ringing is a step too far though

Thanks. Our experiences sound pretty similar!😂

One of my biggest bugbears is controlling behaviour masked as 'anxiety'.... Is she like this in other aspects of your life?

Besides, there are myriad normal reasons you could be delayed during travel - it just sets her up for more 'anxiety' if you're delayed for, say, roadworks and she's imagining you piled up on the motorway.

(And I do have sympathy for genuine anxiety - I suffer from it myself - but would never use it to control anyone).

As my sister's MIL gets older, she has stopped them having any holidays AT ALL because 'something might happen when you're away'. Don't let it get to that... 😧

Enjoy your holiday! 🙂

This seems like bonkers behaviour to me. How did she cope 25 years ago before phones? We mention holidays in passing and might send the odd photo but it seems boggling that a mother would need to keep tabs on her grown child to this extent. Having said that it's clear from the replies that it's normal for a lot of people, maybe the rise of smartphones has just made us all too anxious to function any more?

Fucking hell, I'm a capable organised woman but when I'm on holiday messaging people at home is the last thing on my mind. I'd absolutely see a scenario in which I go to sleep and think I'll message in the morning.

If MIL's immediate reaction is to call the hotel staff then her anxiety is disproportionate and that is the issue here, not DH's management of it.

What if their flight had been delayed, and they were in the air so DH was unable to message but also they hadn't arrived at the hotel and the staff said they weren't there? Her anxiety would be off the charts for literally no good reason. How did she cope before phones and text messages?

Usually I send my dad or sister details of our flights and accommodation when we are on holiday, together with a copy of our travel insurance.

With everything being on my email these days, I always think if something serious happened to us/in our location, someone would have details to make a claim/check we were okay.

I would be mortified if anyone called the hotel the day after our arrival though, so I don't think you are being unreasonable to find this intrusive! Perhaps suggest that someone else in the family will be given details, as you want people to know in case of real emergency and not to be getting anxious and constantly checking up on you?

I understand sharing details in a conversational way, talking about holidays is quite normal. The phoning up a hotel to see if you've arrived is quite odd. Call me selfish but I've really only got so much capacity for reassuring someone and would find that irritating.

I think giving her the details not only validates but facilitates her anxiety - which is often a camouflage for being ultra controlling. I’d state that you are leaving the house x date/time, returning x date/time and that DH will text to confirm arrival.

Anything else perpetuates her anxiety and will create/increase yours. Time to put a stop to it IMHO.

PS…She needs to have some counselling. Obviously…

It used to be common for families to share information about where they were staying on holiday because in a time before smart phones it would be the only way to get in touch in an emergency. My Mum used to always ask me to write down the address and contact number of where I'd be staying for that reason, but she's come to realise that it is unnecessary. If I was your DH I'd be sitting down with your MIL to have a chat about reasonable expectations about keeping in touch when on holiday - e.g. she doesn't need to know where you are staying because she can get in touch directly if necessary, you will update her on your safe arrival within 24 hours of getting there and she's not to panic if she doesn't hear anything before then. She sounds like she is very caring and a bit anxiety prone.

That is a bit bonkers! We'll often share details of where we're going and when, just because my DP's are interested. I text my DPs on the family whatsapp group daily anyway, so reporting back that we've arrived safely and sharing photos of the hotel, things we've done, etc, is perfectly normal.

They wouldn't, however, in a million years, call the hotel to see if we'd arrived! That's the bit that's a bit mad, but obviously comes from a place of anxiety from MIL. Your DH needs to start managing her better, or, if he won't, you may have to do it.

Give her the barest of itineraries (we're in this town from this date to that date), then get your DH to just message little updates about what you're doing.

We have another whatsapp group with DH's family that is called Postcards and is just used to share occasional pictures from holidays.

Your DH has clearly just been enabling it over the years and the fact that grandchildren are now involved is escalating her anxiety.

Always let them know the name of your hotel and when you have arrived safely. But that's it

@Compash sorry to be nosey, but I have to ask....your MIL has really "stopped" your sisters family from going on holiday?!

Before mobile phones (that you could use abroad) this was pretty normal. If there was an emergency at home, most people would want to be able to be contacted, so however independent you were (and I very much was) I always gave my family my flight details and told them where I was going to be staying.

His mum will be of a similar age as me so that will still figure in her thinking. Having said that, since we've all had smartphones, I've not bothered giving my kids my itinerary, nor do I expect theirs.

But I do keep them in touch with where I am (I'm a solo backpacker now) as and when I move on, just because it feels the right thing to do. And if I'm going into an area where there's unlikely to be a signal, I always tell them.

Yes, she is quite controlling in nature. She has always been like that (so I'm told). She is aware, we've had conversations to keep it at the downlow a bit when we are visiting and she is really trying.

I have anxiety too and while that can be difficult to keep under wraps at times (I sympathise), I do ultimately see it as my problem and I'd absolutely hate for my kids to feel like they need to pamper to my anxiety and MH around their whereabouts as adults.

Easy to say perhaps since they're still little but I'm very conscious of the backlash that pampering to my own anxieties and MH can have on their health and wellbeing as they grow up and I work on myself to not try to affect them. I'd love for them to share all their thoughts and feelings with me as adults and have a close enough relationship with them to tell me as much as possible, but it's up to me to create that relationship with them, no?
And not ask them to tell me details just to ease my MH?

I think flight and hotel details are fine. That isn't intrusive at all.

Ringing the hotel or constant texts with a play by play of what you're doing is too far. She can easily wait until you're back and hear about the fun you had and where.

She is worried about her son and grandkids. You don’t seem to care much about her so i don’t think this is about you at all.

Telling MIL where you are is not intrusive. May be it’s important for her to know how to reach her son if there is an emergency.

This is totally none of your business and you need to stop meddling/trying to control the dynamics of your MIL with her son.

Well, we don't have any parents to give details to, but I always let someone know flight details, destination, and rough plans. It's just basic common sense in terms of safety. But then I come from a family of hill-walking/fell-running enthusiasts - no-one is coming to find you if they don't know where you are.

So, no. YOU don't have to tell your MIL where you are going, but your DH can do what he wants.

Er, it becomes intrusive when she rings up flapping at the hotel reception?!
That's not normal behaviour.
Would be pretty suffocating from the "kids" adults point of view too.
I say this as someone who suffers from anxiety myself, but when mine goes on holiday I'd hold back from doing that as you need to learn how to back off a bit and let them live their own lives when it comes to stuff like this.
What good does knowing their every move on holiday make?!
As well as potentially annoying them, it just gives you more for your anxieties to stress about.
I try to keep myself busy instead, doing things I like for me.

Me too I have an adult daughter , she'll text to say arrived the rest is her own business .

I do give my parents a rough low down of what we are doing but that's because I am traveling alone with DD. If I was travelling with another adult I'd send a "landed safely message" and perhaps a couple more sporadically. I would like the same from DD when she's older so it's only fair.

@Gul8 My grandmother was like this, she had been on anxiety medication for quite a few years and this kind of behaviour was an early indicator of dementia which was discovered about 10 years before her death. Once she was diagnosed the behaviours patterns she had displayed kind of made more sense

It is very odd indeed. I certainly don't do this with my or my DH's family. And to those saying what about when you have older children yourself, well I do and certainly have never asked for that level of detail about their travel arrangements.

Maybe that's why they just naturally WhatsApp when away with photos etc because I am not demanding hotel details or whatever. I would have been mortified at the hotel manager having to come and find me at breakfast - he probably thought he was looking for a couple of 18 year olds ;)

We're currently out of the country and I haven't mentioned it to any family 😳

Luckily, she doesn't mind the MIL knowing where she's staying, it's just the creepy demand for literally their entire itinerary coupled with bizarrely phoning a hotel to check up on them that's a problem.

Now that the OP knows her MIL is a nutter, she can certainly put a stop to her husband pandering to this rubbish, if she wants to.

My mum expects (well, not expect but would like) to know when we are out of the country, if we arrived safe and when we arrive back home. Itinerary and calling hotel? Nope.