MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

[Gul8]

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable to request to not share itinerary with MIL every time we go on holiday?

Me and my DH are in our late 30s/early 40s with 2 primary school age DC.
Last time we went on a long-haul holiday MIL called the hotel we were staying at in a stress to make sure we arrived OK (hotel staff told us at breakfast). We were jetlagged and arrived in the middle of the night and DH was probably exhausted from a long flight with little kids and was going to text her a few hours later at breakfast.

I feel its quite intrusive that my DH shares a full itinerary of where we are at our holidays.

My family don't expect me to even tell them we've arrived OK on a foreign holiday let alone give them an itinerary of our hotel stays. My family are caring but I think they realize we are adults with our own families and at some point in adulthood you stop informing your parents of your holiday whereabouts?

I realize this is due to MIL concerns for our welfare and her anxieties probably but AIBU to want to try to put an end to this and tell her she needs to find a different way to manage her anxiety around her son and grandchildrens/my children's whereabouts?

I've already told her it makes me uncomfortable when she asked for details of a holiday in front me a while after that long-haul holiday, she responded that DH has always done it (I didn't know!) and she just wants to make sure her son and grandchildren are safe.

So do mine, they'll text to say they've got there ok and send the occasional photo.
Which is fine, and nice.
Knowing the hotel, ringing the hotel up to boot, and having their daily itinerary is next level though.

It wasn’t to disagree with you but more to tie back to the OP

I used to think this was unnecessary but then we have experienced several times we've needed that info - just look at recent impact of natural disasters on tourists - hurricanes in the US, floods and forest fires in Europe etc. if the worst happens then it's helpful that someone back home knows exactly where you are / meant to be. We've also had direct personal experience of loved ones caught up in tragedies including a tourist boat sinking so leaving an intinerary can be more crucial than you ever might expect.

You are not being unreasonable but as she suffers from anxiety there is nothing to stop your DH texting her to reassure her and share photos if he wants to. I would not share the itinerary, just reassure her that if anything happened to you, she would sadly hear very soon.

I do give my family a list of what we’re doing/ where we’re staying. But usually I give it to my sister and she does the same for me just in case there was an emergency. But my parents are both insane so I’m probably not the best person to ask! 😂

This sounds very much like my family. And others I know.

texting a “we’re here all is well” message is normal

calling the hotel to check you’ve got there, is not

I really don't understand why people want you to let them know you have arrived safely. If you are dead in a ditch they will find out soon enough surely?

I’m 45 and regularly do a 400 mile drive, my dad always asks for a text to say when I have arrived there and when I arrive home safely. It’s just how some families work. I am divorced and live alone so it’s a safeguard against him worrying. I’m still his daughter at the end of the day. I think you need to agree a few check in points during your trip - say arrival, midway and when you’re preparing to leave - and get her son to text her, it’s not hard to do that for, abroad these days and if it puts her mind at rest then surely it’s worth it? A full itinerary is not required and that would annoy me too, my dad doesn’t know what meetings I am going to while I am up north, it’s unnecessary and I would find it intrusive.

Perfectly reasonable to let her know which town/city you'll be staying in when , in case of major unexpected disasters and she's worried that you've been involved. Possibly the flight details too

Whether or not you want to give exact contact details of the hotel is up to you - but before mobile phones it would have been normal to share these contact details before trips.

My children have travelled all over the world and they have always shared where they are staying because they know
Mum is interested and loves a good old google.
My son was jetting all round North America and Canada a few weeks ago with work and he sent me his itinerary ,I didn’t ask for it but he knew I would be interested and I love a bit of flight radar 😂

I usually send details of where I’m going on holiday to my sister, so she can contact us in emergencies. Old habits die hard. In this day-and-age, it would be just forwarding an email. She does the same to me. TBH, I don’t even open it, unless i need to.

Also a quick message to say ‘I’ve arrived’ for long trips. I’d be annoyed if they phoned the hotel though (why couldn’t she message you directly?).

But on the flip side, you could argue that if you hadn't arrived safely because of a pile up on the M6 delaying you, a baggage handlers' strike or similar, they would have heard about it already. Things do not generally go wrong on holiday flights.

My inlaws do send a full itinerary along with hotel phone numbers and insurance polict details. DH says thanks, and never opens the email. My mum doesn't travel any more but has never been a worrier or one who expects us to check in constantly. She wuld be very cross if I phoned from "overseas" - think of the cost! The concept of included minutes doesn't mean anything to her. We send her the occasional picture to her iPad, which she can look at but doesn't know how to message on.

I would send a text message saying ‘arrived safely. Lots to see and do. Will tell you all about it when we get back. Have a good week’. Then ignore any other messages unless there’s an emergency.

Your poor sister!

I do tell my brother and he tells me. Just in case there’s an incident locally and he knows we aren’t in that city. Long haul.

Because for some people with anxiety, whatever you do is never enough. It just reinforces to them that the only way for them to manage their anxiety is for other people to reassure them. Rather than them taking responsibility for their own feelings and seeking their own solution to managing them.

MIL is being overbearing and controlling. My children are adults, and there are times when I don't know what country they're in. Adults with full autonomy don't have to report to mummy with their whereabouts.

I became an officer in the American military at the age of 21. My parents rarely knew where I was, and this was at a time when long-distance communication was by extremely expensive phone calls or extremely slow letters. Sometimes months would go by without them knowing where I was, although I would call or write when I could, which sometimes wasn't that often.

Your MIL is using her anxiety to try to control you. Calling the hotel was ridiculous and attention-grabbing behaviour that should not be tolerated. You dh need to tell her that you will be in touch at your convenience, not hers, while on holiday, and she needs to deal with her anxiety constructively instead of trying to control her loved ones.

I'm thankful my son & daughter-in-law always share their flight details & where they are staying. In turn DH & I do the same. We would only contact each other in emergencies. I think it's totally reasonable to share holiday details. Imagine if there was a family emergency on either side & the mobile phones were unobtainable. Sorry OP I think you are being very unreasonable so that's how I voted.

I think people who vote yanbu are interpreting your title as your mil wanting to know your itinerary every day so the results are misleading. If you made it clear it was only regarding flight & hotel details I think you would find the results would be different.

We always let PIL know we have arrived. DH texts a couple of photos of DC during holiday. They always have our address just incase.
That's it.

I should add, I was in Paris flying out of CDG when Concorde crashed. It was the fact that I told my parents the hotel I was staying in that stopped them from panicking, given that the plane came down ON a Parisian hotel. They were still a bit nervy until I got in touch when I landed in Bordeaux, we took off about 20 minutes before Concorde and the initial details in the news were patchy as you would understand while the immediate tragedy was being addressed.

Unless you’re on an escorted group tour, it’s sensible to share the basic details of your itinerary with someone back home. To me it’s a basic precaution, like making sure you have photocopies of your passports in a different bag from the originals. Just flight and hotel details would suffice. If you’re staying in the same place throughout, there’s no need for: Monday - Market and Museum, Tuesday - Aqua Park, Wednesday - haven’t decided yet…

The someone doesn’t necessarily have to be MIL though, especially if it’s feeding her anxiety. But I would let her know I’d arrived safely. It could be far worse - there are Mumsnetters whose relatives have wanted itinerary details so they could turn up uninvited and join in the holiday - at least your MIL isn’t doing that.

I find it hard to relate to these types of posts as I have never got involved with my DHs family. I have always got on well with them and I they seem to really like me but they are not 'my' family.
I don't have their numbers and I won't get involved with any of there planning etc.
DH is the same with my family.

Why get involved. Why give it any headspace at all. Why care? Leave it to your husband.
If anyone asks you about it and give it not a seconds more thought.

Their* not there

Did she not try to call DH before trying the hotel? It's understandable to forget to send a text saying you've arrived, less so if he has increasingly frantic texts and missed calls from his mum.

I actually think sharing travel and hotel details makes sense for a worst case scenario if something happens to them or you. My family are like yours, we're all very hands off, but I'm trying to get my parents in the habit of telling me when they're going away and flight/hotel details and do the same when we're away ourselves. That way if I hear about, say, the recent floods in Valencia and Málaga, I'd be able to check if they were in the affected area and get in touch if needed.