Evening only invitation to brother’s wedding- AIBU to be a little hurt?

[Eveningonly]

I have one brother who is a fair few years younger than me and when I left home he was only around 10/11. Due to a difficult relationship with DM (it’s complicated), I rarely returned home for visits meaning I have seen little of DB since then but we always get on well when we do see one another. By the time DM and I reconciled somewhat and became more amicable, he had left home so we have only ever seen one another at family parties since. I also live a fair distance away so this is another reason why I don’t see family all that often.

He is getting married in a few months and he handed me an invitation to the wedding at a family party last night. I was pretty chuffed because they announced the date of the wedding almost a year ago so I thought I had been missed off the list. I think it may have been a last minute decision, perhaps to avoid awkwardness at the party with everyone discussing it.

I didn’t look at the invitation properly until I got home and I then realised it was an evening only invitation. AIBU to be a little hurt by this? I realise we’re not close but we are one another’s only sibling if that counts for anything? I’m also not a bad a person and we never had any ‘bad blood’ or conflict. It isn’t a small, intimate wedding from what I gather either. I always thought evening invitations were for colleagues, very distant relatives (I.e second cousins) and friends so it has bruised me somewhat. I feel excluded from the family fold really, am I just taking it too personally?

But you said yourself OP you were more or less out of his life at age 10/11. Maybe he too is hurting that although for reasons well known and acceptable to you he lost his sister at a young age perhaps when he needed her most. I think it's not all one aided and you need to help build those bridges back if that's the kind of relationship you want with DB. From his perspective you are the one whose has little to do with them and he has reflected this.

The distance has always deterred him from visiting us which I don’t mind

Did you visit him??

We did this, as did our daughter. Registry weddings, limited numbers. Didn’t want an huge audience, found the whole thing a bit embarrassing (was shy and hated public speaking)
To me, the gathering afterwards was the time to celebrate with loved ones.

I wouldn’t be offended at all.

I didn’t attend our daughter’s wedding at the registry because I catered her wedding meal at home, for 24, and the logistics just didn’t work. No one was the least offended, it was a purely practical matter. The fact that she and her loved one had married was the important thing. I didn’t need to see it in person.

My mother hasn’t commented but I wouldn’t expect her to either. We talk to one another amicably now and are civil but I have accepted we will never have a close relationship. A lot of water under the bridge there and I had to have a heck of a lot of counselling to overcome the pain she caused but ultimately realised holding resentment was harming me more than her so stopped that.

I am embarrassed not to be invited to the ceremony and I do think it’s a big statement considering the fact I’m his only sibling. I do also feel it was a last minute choice and I only received the invitation to avoid any awkward feeling at the gathering last night. Others were discussing it openly and I know he announced the date around a year ago because my DM mentioned it in passing last year. I don’t know how many people are invited but gather it’s a lot because the venue is huge and pricey.

Maybe need to have a deeper discussion with him and resolve any issues he may have that I’m unaware of. As for my wedding, I didn’t think too deeply about people who didn’t attend. Some might get upset about it or take it personally but I understood it was a lot of travel for people. I’m a regular MN user and I’m sure we’ve all read the threads about unreasonable brides and grooms expecting relatives to travel hours and spend a fortune on a wedding. I would never expect that of anyone.

The only time we see one another is when I travel back to my hometown so in that respect, yes.

When you say your door has always been open - have you ever actually invited him specifically to stay?

E.g "hey, I know I live far away but how about you come and stay for a few days? How about these dates... We could do XYZ"

Has he ever visited you? Have you ever visited him or seen him outside a family gathering?

I've only ever received evening invitations for weddings if I'm close by. No one wants to do a lot of travelling for the evening and that's why evening tends to be colleagues, more distant friends. It seems very rude to only invite you to the evening if you're his sister and he lives some distance away. I probably wouldn't go.

Maybe he's in a budget and can't see the point in paying for a meal for someone who is really just an acquaintance on a social level.

You can't play the big sister care if you are a big sister in name only.

Op you sound like a classic case of someone that has been abused and has learnt to take the responsibility for everything that has happened. (Including the sibling relationship that was a casualty)

In order to have any kind of relationship with your mother, you have to suppress your real feelings and the memories associated with the loss of your entire family for years and years.

Your brother meanwhile basked in the warm glow of being the golden child whilst you were an outcast.

And this pattern is repeating all over again with this wedding.

You have been forced back into the role of the outcast and black sheep, your mother and brother enjoying the golden glow of the wedding and the love - throwing you a breadcrumb in the shape of an evening invite.

I would get back into therapy if I were you, or start asap. This relationship will be extremely corrosive and detrimental to your well being. No matter how patched up this might feel, they have made a bold and very public statement telling you how low down the pecking order you are.

The fact your reaction is to try harder and do more is very telling. Please get some support in real life.💐💐

I actually had a similar thing last year - going to a relative's wedding made me realise that I would like to be closer to her.

I messaged her after the wedding to say that - something like "going to your wedding made me realise that I would love to be closer to you. Do you fancy having a phone call sometime?" I put in some time on the phone, I try to message her when I see things I think she would find funny or interesting and I am going to suggest she comes to visit soon.

It took a lot of courage to reach out but I am really glad that I have.

Op I think you are understandably hurt, but I can see his perspective too. Sometimes both sides can be right in the sense that perspectives are naturally different.Two wrongs don’t make a right, but sometimes two rights can kind of make a wrong if you follow me!

I think it’s great he asked you, and, given it’s clear you want a stronger relationship with him, I think the only sensible response is to go and be friendly.

I’d back away from the thread at that point, as people will try to needle you about it being an insult etc etc. In reality, the person who will most notice what sort of invitation you got is you. All they will see is a sister who was there for part of it and who seemed perfectly nice and friendly. They won’t think much more of it.

The invitations haven't been issued on the basis of degree of genetic similarity but on the basis of how strong the relationship is.

I'd have been devastated to have an evening-only invite to a sibling's wedding but although we live 130 miles away from each other we speak on the phone every 1-2 weeks, see each other casually 3 or 4 times a year and have a holiday together once or twice a year as well as seeing each other at family events.

The people I see only at family events are the cousins I don't like that much. They would definitely be "evening only" invites if at all, and I would expect the same for me.

It's ok that you only have a distant relationship but you can't expect him to pretend it's otherwise on his wedding day.

U have made no effort so he will obviously have other people who he’ll be closer to others who got a whole day invitation.
I’ve no idea y u r hurt/ shocked, u reap wot u sow.

Your db was 10/11 when you left.
He only heard from you sporadically.
He wasn't really old enough to contact you.

When I met dh his sibling was 6, he's 12 years older.
We made a huge effort with his sibling and we took them on holiday and encouraged them to visit us when we moved away.

Relationships are as much about shared lives as dna, probably more so.
Your db has spent his teens and twenties with few sibling memories.
You were the adult and you didn't maintain proper contact.
You cant blame your dm for this.
You could have phoned, written regularly. Sent little gifts.
Be honest, he hardly knows you.

It's not too late though.
He may have dc and that's your chance to be an active aunt if he wants it.

@Eveningonly I completely get what @Savingthehedgehogs is saying, and as I have been in that position vis-a-vis my siblings all my life, and felt I had to try harder as a result, I can see how it hurts.

However, if you would like it to, I wonder if there is another way to look at this. As others have said, it could be a chance to begin to make the relationship with your brother that you would like...irrespective of your past difficulties with your mother. So if you felt able to attend, maybe look forward (cautiously, so as not to get overly hurt if it doesn't work) to what could be, rather than looking back to what was?

I think it’s obvious from ops updates the dynamic that exists, and I suggest talking it through with your counsellor.

There is much more to this.
I suspect if you posted the full facts of what happened to you - you would be getting a VERY different response to the ones you are getting now op.

Your brother meanwhile basked in the glow of being the golden child

He was 11?

Telling the OP that this is all her families fault and that she needs to enrol in more therapy does not change how her family see her nor start to repair the relationship with her brother. Although she will undoubtedly end up shelling out more good money to hear what she wants to hear.

Self reflection, and reaching out might be more productive. Honestly OP, just ask him what's up, listen to his story, reflect and try to build a way forward.

You have no idea what has happened to her.

Are you suggesting you do?

Yes, I would rather not delve into my mother’s actions and childhood generally on a public forum! Let’s just say, I had many years of counselling to overcome it. Part of the reason I moved so far away was also to be away from childhood memories which I think is understandable too.

As mentioned before, I did put effort in to stay in touch with him for a while but I was also at uni for a long time which took precedence. I had to protect my own MH which was pretty shattered for a long time and part of that was staying away from my mum who was obviously always around my brother.

Isn’t she pointing out none of us do?

Exactly! None of us do.
I'm going on what she has written, not on perceived darker issues.

AIBU to be a little hurt by this? I realise we’re not close but we are one another’s only sibling if that counts for anything?

Which is why you have any kind of invitation at all. Why be hurt you’re not top table when you’ve put the minimum into creating and sustaining a relationship with a younger relative?

I also think that it's not necessarily as easy or as great as it seems to the Scapegoat being the Golden Child in the family dynamic.

The whole dynamic tends to be toxic, no one gets off unscathed

No expectation of top table level, just an invitation to the ceremony given the fact I am his only sibling.

We didn’t have evening only invitations but had a more intimate ceremony. We invited parents, siblings and their partners, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and a handful of close friends and colleagues. Some relatives were invited even though we hadn’t seen them for a long time but they were close relations and we had been close as children so deemed it important to have them present all the same. DH’s best friends both live abroad so we don’t see them often at all but still invited them (and they came!).

Anyway, I can’t change this. All I can do moving forward is try my best to attend (if PIL can help with childcare) and have a chat with him about our overall relationship. Thank you all for the advice.