Evening only invitation to brother’s wedding- AIBU to be a little hurt?

[Eveningonly]

I have one brother who is a fair few years younger than me and when I left home he was only around 10/11. Due to a difficult relationship with DM (it’s complicated), I rarely returned home for visits meaning I have seen little of DB since then but we always get on well when we do see one another. By the time DM and I reconciled somewhat and became more amicable, he had left home so we have only ever seen one another at family parties since. I also live a fair distance away so this is another reason why I don’t see family all that often.

He is getting married in a few months and he handed me an invitation to the wedding at a family party last night. I was pretty chuffed because they announced the date of the wedding almost a year ago so I thought I had been missed off the list. I think it may have been a last minute decision, perhaps to avoid awkwardness at the party with everyone discussing it.

I didn’t look at the invitation properly until I got home and I then realised it was an evening only invitation. AIBU to be a little hurt by this? I realise we’re not close but we are one another’s only sibling if that counts for anything? I’m also not a bad a person and we never had any ‘bad blood’ or conflict. It isn’t a small, intimate wedding from what I gather either. I always thought evening invitations were for colleagues, very distant relatives (I.e second cousins) and friends so it has bruised me somewhat. I feel excluded from the family fold really, am I just taking it too personally?

It's possible that your brother grew up with your mother portraying you as the difficult black sheep, to pass the blame for her behaviour and explain why you moved away.

Even though your brother is outwardly pleasant towards you, it doesn't mean his view hasn't been skewed. The fact that he didn't attend your wedding and has snubbed you with an evening invitation reveals his real attitude, not his ability to make small talk at gatherings. It seems unlikely that he really expects, or wants you to attend. Perhaps to show solidarity with his mother.

he was a child when you left home. The framework of the relationship was set by you. By the time he became an adult, you had established that you would only see him at family parties. He's simply carried on with that expectation.

That. You cannot expect an 11 year old to be the one dictating the relationship with an older sibling who left after some family drama.

You reap the relationship that you sew. You made zero effort to keep the close relationship that you say you had before you left, and you only see him at parties where, though you say you get on fine, the same could be said of an acquaintance that you only meet occasionally.

You don't have a sibling relationship, only the genes. If you wanted to be seen as a sibling, you should have acted like one.

Oh I see, she probably turned him against you but now that things are okay between you and her, his emotions still haven’t caught up with that.
Would your mum be able to talk to him about this? Would it make a difference or would she revert back to taking his side?

Absolutely this.
Take it as an assessment of the state of your sibling relationship, and by all means feel sad that it's not closer. Try not to be hurt or offended- there's nothing else to suggest he is aiming for either of those. If you want a better, closer relationship that lasts to the next generation, tell him this, and be prepared to put the work in. Maybe enlist DM and your new DSIL- weddings are a good catalyst for refreshing relationships. But above all, do everything with good will- a refusal will certainly do more harm than good and would effectively put paid to the prospects of a closer bond.

Can you not go alone if your PIL can't look after the kids?

No, you're unreasonable to be hurt. I'm not sure why you feel entitled to a "normal" close sibling relationship when you've never had that to date. If you wanted to be closer to him you should have put in the effort to make that happen ahead of the big public social event that is a wedding. Sounds like you want to be part of the family show without having actually been a close family when no one was looking.

It's also not a big deal. Not all siblings are close. That's fine.

OP, I've read some more of your posts, and I think the elephant in the room here really is that your brother is not that bothered about you.

He didn't come to your wedding. He doesn't make the effort to visit. He only invited you to the evening part of his own wedding. His actions say it all, really. If he was bothered or wanted more of a relationship with you, he'd put in the work.

The sibling part doesn't count for that much. I know that's hard. I'm in a similar position in my own family. If you feel that you want more of a relationship with him then it's worth trying for but I think you would have to be prepared for the fact that he may be happy with things how they are and not want more of a relationship with you.

I wouldn't do anything until after the wedding, however, because in my experience a wedding is often a very stressful time for all involved, partly because relationship dynamics are shifting, and it doesn't pay in the longer term to be the one who gets labelled as attention seeking/difficult (even if it's coming from a good place, others may not see it that way).

But even if you had a traumatic relationship with your mother, this didn't prevent you from keeping in touch with your brother.
Did you send birthday and Christmas gifts/cards during his teenage years?

Being related by blood simply does not entitle anyone to being a priority relationship in anyone else's life. If you want to be considered a priority, put the work in beforehand.

Well he can’t think ill of her for making the effort.

Who knows, maybe his wife is suggesting a rapprochement. Maybe she can see things more objectively.

The bottom line is if op wants to strengthen her relationship with him, accepting the invitation is a sensible step, regardless of the basis on which it was issued.

This comes across as being more concerned with optics; you seem embarrassed that you've only received an evening invite, because after all, you are 'family'. Yet given while you were ar uni for 7 years, you had very little contact, and subsequent contact has been erratic, it's nice that an invite to any part of the event was sent
Don't go if you think it is an insult, or go, smile and then see what relationship you want with your sibling going forward

Just because one shares genes does not oblige anyone to play happy families, or to even like the people genetically linked to them.

i am really feeling so sad for your situation.

I completely understand why you have decided not to go into detail of what happened in your childhood on here, and as result pp are advising you very differently. If pp knew the full story, I am pretty sure you would be told to protect yourself much more robustly.

You have cut a deal with your mother, and it’s at arms length and at a safe distance, as you have updated I could see the position you were in then - your mental health was in tatters, you were young and alone - prioritising anyone from your family of origin would have been impossible.

Your relationship with your sibling is a casualty of your family dynamic- it’s definitely not your fault. It must be noted he is continuing to keep that very dynamic in place with this evening only invite.

He has not strived to have any kind of relationship with you. I suspect it suits him well to be the only golden child in the most favoured light, and I suspect he does blame you for everything that happened consciously or unconsciously. Otherwise you would have invite for the whole wedding. In the same way you invited him to your wedding.

I would consider protecting yourself, accessing counselling - this will be bringing up a lot for you I am sure. And consider what is best for your mental health op. 💐💐

That's actually really hurtful. You're still his sister. The evening only second tier friendship group is surely just for aquaintances and work colleagues etc.
I think it's a bit mean.

You say that you have a good relationship with him @Eveningonly but it sounds like it's surface level.

To an outside observer, I have a good relationship with my Dad. We go out for a pint every couple of weeks, go to the occasional gig or comedy night. And we have a nice time when we do. We catch up, have a bit of a laugh. But that's it, it's surface level.

You look at our WhatsApps, and it's just "Fancy a pint one night this week?". There's no chat on there, no engagement. When my Mum was alive we'd check in with each other daily, just because we'd have something we'd want to talk about., the same is true of my brother.

I'd never invite my Dad to Christmas, he comes because my brother invites him, but if my bro and family were away one year I'd just do a small family crimbo with DP and DD.

I don't trust him, I don't go to him to talk through issues or worries in my life. And why should I trust him. He treated my Mum like shit, cheating on her multiple times before finally leaving her when she had cancer. He had no time for me as a kid, weekends were for surfing or rugby, and as I wasn't interested in either, he wasn't interested in me.

He's now older, and lonely, and desperate for a better relationship with his kids. So we do the pub, and I give him the surface level, because I'm not completely heartless. But he's not my Dad, he's a distant relative at best. Had I gotten married, he'd not have been on the top table, he'd have been sat with his sister and family somewhere and I'd have resented his presence a bit.

I doubt your brother feels quite as badly towards you OP, but you probably don't feel quite like a sister to him. You set the tone of your relationship while he was only 11 years old, and so that's what he's reciprocating now. You can try to fix it, but it'll involve an apology, and some real effort. But I'd wait until after the wedding, because otherwise it just looks like your after a better invite.

I understand.

You were young and dealing with your own stuff. You weren’t responsible for your little brother.

Your mum basically caused this. As a mum myself I think my children’s bonds with each other are so important. I light up when I hear them laughing together and they are quite far apart in age. She didn’t nurture any relationships between you by getting you together because she was too busy being awful to you by the sounds of it.

It is what it is and I wouldn’t bring any of it up around his wedding. But maybe in the future you’ll have a chance to sit down and put the world to rights together for a bit and it will be healing for both of you.

I get that, OP. My own childhood was very difficult for various reasons, as was my next sister’s, but we’ve only really began to talk about it together in very recent years in our late 40s. The fact is that when you’re struggling, especially when you’re young, you often simply don’t have the bandwidth to even see someone else is struggling too, far less help them. And siblings can have very different narratives of what was wrong, who was at fault. Our next sister for instance thinks our parents were completely blameless and is vocal in their defence. It’s messy. There’s no way my experience of my childhood will ever not contradict hers, and that she will ever accept that mine has any validity.

I worry about threads like this, and I worry that op is being further hurt by some of the posts.

She didn’t choose to leave her brother, she was fleeing abuse.

Sorry first of all for the way your dad behaved.

I’m not sure, though, it’s fair to equate op’s treatment of her DB with your Dad’s treatment of you/ your mum.

Nothing suggests oP has done anything more than fled a difficult situation. That’s much more akin to your actions tbh (emotional withdrawal) than active cheating or leaving your mum.

I would be really hurt by this, and I would defo say something to him. He has made this decision for a reason, and as his only sibling I would defo want to talk about it.

It's nobody's fault. It's just where your relationship is now. Relationships change and yours could grow closer over time if you were both prepared to put some effort in.

But you have no relationship with him? Only see each other at family parties? Do you keep in contact outside of family parties? Text? On socials? You were the big sister that perhaps he needed, he doesn’t now he’s made his own life.

The whole concept of evening only invites is insulting. Maybe for colleagues, but really I'd just not invite them.

I can understand why you're hurt.

That's very mean of him.

I think it may have been better not to be invited as well. I was genuinely over the moon when he handed it to me and I hugged him and DH later thanked him quietly and explained how happy it had made me. I hadn’t read the details properly and naturally assumed it would be a full invitation. When I realised later it was evening only I felt hurt and rejected somewhat. I was the black sheep at home and think it may have raked up those feelings in all honesty. I just think the ceremony is for close relatives and friends and by close I don’t necessarily mean people you see a lot, I just mean relatives closely blood related unless there’s bad blood there and you have a toxic relationship of course.

I bear no ill will towards my brother and likely never will. He’s a decent guy by all accounts and I will take some responsibility for not forging a closer relationship. I was caught up in the pain my mum had inflicted on me and trying to navigate life as an adult with no parental assistance through the years at uni and such. Never willingly cast DB aside but do think it was an unwitting casualty of my mum’s abuse.

Anyway, thank you for everyone’s insight. I will go away and think on this and reach out to DB.