Evening only invitation to brother’s wedding- AIBU to be a little hurt?

[Eveningonly]

I have one brother who is a fair few years younger than me and when I left home he was only around 10/11. Due to a difficult relationship with DM (it’s complicated), I rarely returned home for visits meaning I have seen little of DB since then but we always get on well when we do see one another. By the time DM and I reconciled somewhat and became more amicable, he had left home so we have only ever seen one another at family parties since. I also live a fair distance away so this is another reason why I don’t see family all that often.

He is getting married in a few months and he handed me an invitation to the wedding at a family party last night. I was pretty chuffed because they announced the date of the wedding almost a year ago so I thought I had been missed off the list. I think it may have been a last minute decision, perhaps to avoid awkwardness at the party with everyone discussing it.

I didn’t look at the invitation properly until I got home and I then realised it was an evening only invitation. AIBU to be a little hurt by this? I realise we’re not close but we are one another’s only sibling if that counts for anything? I’m also not a bad a person and we never had any ‘bad blood’ or conflict. It isn’t a small, intimate wedding from what I gather either. I always thought evening invitations were for colleagues, very distant relatives (I.e second cousins) and friends so it has bruised me somewhat. I feel excluded from the family fold really, am I just taking it too personally?

I am quite surprised that when he didn't come to your wedding you were just "oh fair enough, it's quite far"

Normally people go to their sibling's weddings, often even if it's quite far. Many people I know have travelled intentionally for their sibling's wedding.

It feels like that should have been a bit of a wake up call for you re your relationship. Did you even speak to him about that at the time?

And I wouldn’t be surprised if his narrative of his childhood is completely different to yours. I say that not to be hostile or to cast doubt on your version of events., just that this is often the case in sibling relationships. I have four siblings, of whom I’m the eldest, all of whom grew up with the same parents in the same household, but our versions of our childhoods seldom match, our relationships with our parents are very different, which can cause conflict. I certainly don’t recognise the version of myself that emerges from the memories of my next sister.

I would find that difficult. I would take this as an evaluation of my relationship. Maybe your brother hasn't got the 'obligation' gene 🙂 that some of us inherited! What do you want the relationship to look like from here?

Yes I think this op.

I think the wedding invitation is a reality check of where the relationship is at. It is sad and I think that’s what you are processing.

Personally I’m with you and think a sibling should be on the “ main list” regardless, and I think it’s great that you asked him to yours. But as they didn’t come, I’m guessing they probably expected you wouldn’t be coming either, so the evening invitation was done out of form more than anything.

I’d go. It’s a first step in strengthening ties. I wouldn’t btw try to be the life and soul of the party: that can go very wrong! Just be pleasant but low-key and inoffensive so they can’t say “ that’s why we didn’t want to ask her.” There’s still time to build a relationship within him in the coming years.

I don’t know, it’s possible. We have made different life choices ultimately. DH and I have spent our lives in academia but it isn’t something we go out of our way to discuss at gatherings unless asked, then we’ll mention the odd thing. I don’t know whether DB feels put out because he has always worked in ‘blue collar’ jobs, didn’t attend uni etc. I have never commented on hometown in front of family, I just moved away as soon as I could.

People read thing in regardless oP. But all is not lost: just go and be friendly.

I would struggle to be the life and soul of a party anyway tbh! I’m not a very loud person shall we say… I think we will attend if PIL’s can help with DC and will take a gift, compliment the bride and try our best to smile and just be present. Will use it as a reality check and try to put more effort in with him going forward.

I think it’s clear that you are just going along with your own assumptions for a lot of what he feels and don’t really see things from other possible angles.

As soon as he had his own phone you had the ability to build a relationship with him independent of your DM.

If you left and never seemed bothered about him, whether he had a good time or not, you basically said I’m not that fussed about you and never did anything to change it.

Yabu - I understand you’re both adults now, but it’s not a two way thing - the onus was on you to maintain that sibling relationship when you left home. As you say, he was 11 when you left - you could’ve arranged for him to visit or stay with you, or you visit him for days out etc - regardless of the then issues with your mum…

From what I have read you have done nothing like this. As the older sibling you should’ve made the effort when you left, it reads to me that you left & barely saw him due to then issues with your mum. That’s not something he will forget.
Yes when you see him, he’s civil & I’m sure loves you, but it doesn’t sound like you were around in his teenage years when he could’ve needed you for advice/support. The sibling bond just isn’t there as you didn’t maintain it when you left home. Whats done is done now but you are being unreasonable to expect it to be a two way thing now when previously he was the child and you were the adult, yet did nothing to maintain the bond when you left home.
The fact you didn’t think you were initially invited shows how far apart you are. At least you have an evening invite. Maybe the take away from this is although you weren’t around for many years when he was growing up, maybe try and become closer to him now & going forward.

Do you actually care about having a relationship with him, or are you just embarrassed that the evening invite shows you up as having little to no relationship?

My sister left home while I was still at school, under similarly strained circumstances. She made the sort of effort that a non-resident parent would to keep seeing me, even though it was very difficult for her. If I were getting married, she would be my maid of honor and my mother would get the evening invite.

I think that’s a great response op. I’m sure there will be lots of opportunities to reach out if they have Dc too.

I did try to put effort in with him but DM was a block because he obviously lived with her and I struggled to be around her for complex reasons. I didn’t live close to home so would have to travel far to see him and I did do this for a while after leaving but the relationship with DM was so fractured and tense, it always made me feel terrible and ultimately hammered my MH. I was at uni for 7 years so everything revolved around that and I was at the opposite end of the country.

You’re right in saying I could have put more effort in. It has never been a deliberate thing as I said before, life is just hectic and it’s easy to put things to one side when you’re busy living your day to day life. It has been a reality check for me.

Most siblings would attend their sister’s wedding regardless of where in the world it was op. I wonder why you have just chalked this up to distance so quickly? He made a deliberate decision not to come to your wedding.

I think there is much more deep rooted resentment and ill feeling than you are prepared to acknowledge. It was a big statement that he was not there for the biggest day of your life. You might be able to rub along superficially but that doesn’t mean things are okay between you.

It just means you are both ignoring the elephant in the room.

Your brother is angry/hurt/resentful, otherwise he would not have missed your wedding. You sense he doesn’t want you to come to the wedding and I think you are right.

Ib your place I would use the evening invitation to sit down and talk to him properly, why hasn’t he invited you to the ceremony? Why didn’t he come to your wedding - what is really going on here? A gentle and respectful conversation about your childhood and your relationship. It’s an open wound that continues to fester. You have been invited because your mother I assume thought it would be the right thing to do.

You are playing along with this charade. You smiling along might be the very thing he doesn’t want - hence going on about your children.

I would be hurt by this. Especially as you don't live nearby. It's a bit ridiculous to expect you to travel and all the expense for an evening do. I agree evening dos- if you must invite to only part of your day- are for work mates and really only for people who are local to the venue.
Will you attend?
A similar thing happened to me, but not with a sibling, with a cousin. I ignored the invitation. And then they messaged me to say they hadn't received my rsvp! I just replied saying sorry I didn't think people rsvp'd to evening do invitations- and that obviously it won't be feasible for us to travel, pay for flights, hotel etc for an evening do- but thanks for that and have a lovely day.
Do you feel you could mention something to your brother/sister in law? You might regret it if you don't x

However civil he is in public, he is sending you a big message now.
In this post you sound quite resentful of him, yet he was only 11 when you left. You were an adult competing for DMs attention?
I would accept the invitation, ask if there is anything you can do to help and look for ways in which you can start to repair your relationship.

You keep saying that he doesn't visit outside of family gatherings as you're too far away. I guarantee unless there's a massive drip feed that you live abroad, if you had a good relationship, then he would make the effort to travel. People who care for each other always do. Which means that the distance is a cloak and there is more behind it. There must've been something more behind him not attending your wedding.

I just wouldn’t bother to go , he has shown you exactly where you stand in his priorities .

I don’t resent him whatsoever, nor my mother anymore because I have worked hard to move past it. She did favour him but I don’t blame him for this in any way, none of it was his fault.

It’s a huge statement to not have his own sister at the ceremony. There will be hundreds of people there.

It is humiliating to have to turn up for the evening party and be thankful for that somehow?

He has deliberately hurt and snubbed you. Pointedly. I am not buying this abandonment line, it’s actually a really unkind thing to do.

That’s really understandable oP. Also families are very enmeshed things. He has loyalty to his mum as well as you and there was lots of time for different versions to get pedalled behind your back, especially if you are physically far away. He’s given a small opening for you to use to show him a different side to you from the one he might have had presented by others.

I’m a huge believer in the notion that families can fall out easily, but deep down there is always an underlying desire to heal over which isn’t necessarily the same with unrelated people.

I imagine he is much more like your mother than you think. He is not 11, he is a grown adult and he is making some very unkind decisions.

It depends what relationship you would like with your brother as to how you go forward.. You mentioned that others were discussing the wedding so presumably they have already received their invitations?
You've hinted that you feel your invitation was given to save face and your gut feeling is that he was subtly indicating that he doesn't care if you attend or not.
In your position I would need a lot of convincing to attend. I would be embarrassed turning up to what seems like a large gathering where it would be natural for much talk and speculation as to why you weren't there for the whole day. How many other relatives are attending the whole day and is he close to them?
It's your choice but you seem content with your current relationship with him. Has your mother made any comment?

But you barely know each other, OP. I think you turn this into a positive - he could easily have chosen not to invite you at all, but because of your connection he has invited you to a part of his wedding. I think that is kind of him.

Great but are you quite sure that he feels the same way? Because something is wrong with him, isn't it? Otherwise you would be on the guest list as you expected.
Talk to him.

Good call, OP. See it as an opportunity, and possible first step on the road to establishing more of a bond.

But bear in mind you may not recognise, or like, what you hear from his account of your past, or he may not want a rapprochement. But you will have tried.