Evening only invitation to brother’s wedding- AIBU to be a little hurt?

[Eveningonly]

I have one brother who is a fair few years younger than me and when I left home he was only around 10/11. Due to a difficult relationship with DM (it’s complicated), I rarely returned home for visits meaning I have seen little of DB since then but we always get on well when we do see one another. By the time DM and I reconciled somewhat and became more amicable, he had left home so we have only ever seen one another at family parties since. I also live a fair distance away so this is another reason why I don’t see family all that often.

He is getting married in a few months and he handed me an invitation to the wedding at a family party last night. I was pretty chuffed because they announced the date of the wedding almost a year ago so I thought I had been missed off the list. I think it may have been a last minute decision, perhaps to avoid awkwardness at the party with everyone discussing it.

I didn’t look at the invitation properly until I got home and I then realised it was an evening only invitation. AIBU to be a little hurt by this? I realise we’re not close but we are one another’s only sibling if that counts for anything? I’m also not a bad a person and we never had any ‘bad blood’ or conflict. It isn’t a small, intimate wedding from what I gather either. I always thought evening invitations were for colleagues, very distant relatives (I.e second cousins) and friends so it has bruised me somewhat. I feel excluded from the family fold really, am I just taking it too personally?

Evening invites are for distant relatives which it sounds like you are. If you’re hurt that this has clarified the status of your relationship, then use this as the springboard to improve it. Build bridges with him and time will tell if he’s open to that or is content with the status quo.

I'd decline the invitation.

If he asks, tell your brother it's too far to travel to be room meat for 2 hours at an after party.

Yes it is hurtful. Maybe ask him why - have an honest chat to clear the air ? It sounds like there is a fair bit of unresolved stuff which you need to address to improve your relationship.

It's something to build on, isn't it?

He isn't playing happy families but he has left the door open for a better relationship.

I find I am sometimes better off looking at the deeper emotion. Being hurt not to be invited to the main event is unpleasant but puts him down as the problem, causing hurt. But are you actually sad because this reflects your sibling relationship? Because it sounds as if it does.

That's something to work on. I would steer well clear of anyone encouraging you to take offence or laying down the law about what couples should or shouldn't do. I would allow myself to be sad - that's not to say blame myself. You probably had good reason for acting as you did. Then I would go, and I'd look to the future.

Things could be a lot worse, couldn't they?

I think it is thoughtless and rude and I would politely decline with best wishes.
I wouldn't hold it against him, I would remain polite at future gatherings.
We cannot change others.
If he and your mother think this is acceptable you need to accept it and adapt accordingly.
I can absolutely understand your hurt and surprise but I wouldn't rise to the bait of any upset.
Calmly accepting it is best and adjust your expectations and effort going forward.
Hard to believe your mother is oblivious to this.

I don’t know how many are invited to the ceremony but I do know the venue is large and expensive so gather they have invited hundreds rather than a handful.

I get the point about leaving when he was a child. He is close to my DM, he was very much her favourite child and I don’t think she treated him as she did me. It’s complicated and I’d rather not dwell on it but let’s just say, I think he had a pretty decent childhood after I left so don’t think he resents me for leaving in that sense.

I will see it as a wake up call to put more effort into getting to know him though. It’s one of those things, you get so busy with your career and DC and life generally so things like this get forgotten or pushed to one side. It’s not deliberate or intentional, you know how real life goes.

You barely saw him from when he about about ten years old. I know there were problems with your mum but that’s an age where he must have felt abandoned. Even if he’s ok with you now that would have been damaging to the sibling bond. He probably sees you more like extended family rather than actual family.

I would say nothing and just go. Maybe in a few weeks, talk to him about it and let him know how you feel but in the meantime, the chances are you will see and hear a lot of stuff that makes it all a bit clearer.

If he was invited to your ceremony though, I can see why you are upset. I would be upset and pissed off by this too and it feels like a finger up, depending on his personality. He might have meant nothing by it. People can be weird.

I think this is a great way of looking at it, it’d be so easy to be offended and cut off the relationship entirely but you lose nothing by seeing what is possible with a bit of effort (on both sides). Good luck!

What @PermanentTemporary said. Sound advice

I do find it worrying when people take your comment, "a little hurt", and tell you not to go to the wedding.

It's obviously your call what advice to take, but you're the one who needs to live with this, you're the one regretting the current situation, and other people can sometimes just stoke the drama from a safe distance.

You've given a very fair account of the circumstances. You're not unreasonable to be a little hurt. That doesn't mean he has done wrong. You have a chance to build a better relationship with your little brother if you want to.

I think I’d be hurt but you don’t see each other much or have a 1-1 relationship by the sound of it. I think you just have to put a smile on and go along with it

You can be as hurt as you like but ultimately you hurt him for years when you could have facilitated a relationship with him and you chose not to. You reap what you sow really.

I don’t think he has done anything wrong particularly, I guess it has just bruised me to be considered such a distant relative by my only sibling. I would understand it more if I were a terrible person with a bad attitude/persona who could potentially ruin their day, if I were the sort of person to cause conflict in some way but I’m not.

He did also mention the fact it’s child free about three times, despite me saying that was absolutely fine because our PILs will likely be able to help. I’m possibly just overthinking but wondering if this was him trying to deter us from attending.

I make as much effort as he does in fairness, it’s surely a two-way thing

But he was a child when you left home. The framework of the relationship was set by you. By the time he became an adult, you had established that you would only see him at family parties. He's simply carried on with that expectation.

Perhaps he experienced hurt and disappointment growing up without a close relationship with his only sibling.

Or perhaps he simply accepted that that was how you wanted things and he's following that pattern.

Whilst I understand that you feel hurt, I think the type of invitation isn't unreasonable in the circumstances you describe.

My dd is facing a similar dilemma as your db. Her half siblings (ex's not mine) are 11 and 15 years older. They left home and barely saw dd after that. Just family parties. The hurt was enormous for my dd and she has had to learn to manage that hurt and different expectations on tbe relationship. She's getting married and has decided to invite them both (no evening only invitations). But it wasn't automatic. It opened up some of the old feelings of sadness and rejection she'd experienced growing up.

Why don't you call him and try and have a conversation about all of this. There has to be something else, another element that you are not aware of OP>

You’re clearly not close but if I received an evening only invitation, I would automatically decline, no matter who it was from.

I’d send them a card and a gift, but travel a long way to be a 2nd class guest? No.

Obviously it's hurtful but when you left home did you make any effort to have him come to see you or stay overnight etc?

My situation is different in that my siblings were always close with my parents, but I was the youngest by a long way, esp with my 2 oldest siblings and by the time I was 10, I was the only one left at home. I was often at their houses and they would have me for sleepovers and I felt really involved in their lives, even when they had kids, as I love my nieces and nephews and loved helping out when I could.

You can't expect to be treated like a sibling if you haven't acted like one.

I never thought of it this way in all honesty. I don’t think he’s ever portrayed a feeling of hurt. As I say, we always get on really well when we do see one another and he’s never even hinted at any bad blood between us but perhaps I have misunderstood some way along the line and this is a hint.

always thought evening invitations were for colleagues, very distant relatives (I.e second cousins) and friends
But in his eyes you are a distant relative because he doesn't know you. He won't remember living with you, or having shared memories or incidences with you, there is zero bonding. And it's that part that glues a family together. And because you had none of this with him he could well consider a lovely neighbour to be closer to him that a "sister". It's just the way it is.

You’re right to see it as a wake up call. If you want a relationship with him you have to show that with action.
it’s not a given with your background you don’t know each other well and are not close so you have a choice. To work on the relationship or drift along as is with no relationship or closeness to speak of. Up to you going forward but I don’t think he’s being unreasonable.
I’d either accept the invitation, be on great form and buy him a lovely gift. Or not accept and keep going as is.

He does remember living with me, he was around 11 when I left so he has lots of memories of our relationship (which was close). We discussed some of the memories last night actually, he remembered a few things I didn’t!

What an odd view.

I had a similar experience when my step brother got married - we had invited him and his partner at the time to our wedding, so a last minute invite to evening only for his was a bit of a surprise (not to mention deeply embarrassing for my SD). It was a long way away and I was very pregnant at the time so we didn't go. It did however make it quietly clear to me that he saw us as not connected to his family/to him. I politely declined, sent a gift, and that was the end of it. It's honestly not worth making a fuss over, especially when it's a wedding.

Maybe the two of you see your relationship differently - being polite at the odd family gathering isn't a relationship. You're just someone he barely sees who isn't that important (which I know can be a bit of a blow to the ego - I have a younger sibling with a big age gap and left home when he was a child and I don't mean anything to him. I might be able to remember adoring him when he was two, but he doesn't. He barely remembers me from his childhood at all).

I tried to begin with, yes but it was complicated by the difficult relations with my mother and the fact I didn’t live anywhere near my hometown. By the time DM and I had worked on our issues, he had already left home. It’s complicated but I did try to see him a lot when I first left, despite being busy with university and such.