to let my 18yro just crack on?

[PermerlerErndersern]

After GCSEs my now 18yr ds left school to work a few shifts a week in a cafe. A levels would have been a struggle academically. I’d hoped he’d complete a qualification alongside this very part time work in the cafe but he doesn’t seem interested. I’ve said he needs to find something full time now. He’s now saying he wants to work in a local warehouse where his mate works. This is full time, but hours at 1pm to 10pm.

He’s already in a strange routine where he picks this mate up from work at 10pm and then they drive around for hours - going McDonald’s, 24hr gym, car meets etc. We have life 360 and I can see he’s where he says he’s been. This is almost every night and ds doesn’t get home until 1am-3am. They’re not doing anything wrong, but it worries me. I can’t really sleep soundly until he is home.

He then goes to bed, phones his gf, and they fall asleep on face time!!

My Dh has just had to go into his room to wake him up for his shift at the cafe (ds’s alarm isn’t working), the gf is sleeping on the phone on ds’s chest! We then hear him cracking open a can of monster - he’s clearly knackered.

He’s not doing anything wrong. He’s 18. But me and Dh are finding his routine unsettling. I’m worried if he takes this job in the warehouse it’ll cement this routine even further and he’ll have no motivation to move onwards and upwards.

How would you tackle this? Or do I leave him to it?!

I would leave him to it.

My DS while doing his degree got a part time job in a bar and usually worked about 8pm to 2am and then sometimes drinks afterwards.

Mine is also 18.
He is at university but has an insane sleep schedule like that, as if he is nocturnal.
I think you have to leave them to it.

I wouldn’t mind if he was studying alongside, but as it is he’s left school with 1 gcse. And doesn’t seem bothered by this!

Nocturnal is definitely normal for 18 then?!

My 18YO is the same. Out until 12-2 just driving around. Knackered when he has to get up for work. Occasionally crashes in between and goes to bed at 8pm 😂

Let him go for it. At least it's full time hours.
Nothing to stop him going to college in a couple of years.

Crashes the car?! Ok so the aimless driving around is normal 18yro stuff then perhaps

I think it's part of being 18 and gaining some independence. I went to a good uni and the lads in my friendship group would often go out and about late at night to get food, sleep for a couple of hours then go to lectures. You could tell him you won't be waking him up for work so he needs to buy himself an alarm clock.

Other than having conversations about what he might want to do for a future career, I'm not sure what else you can do, perhaps give him a timescale to work towards for when he should be looking to move out to his own place?

Aimless driving definitely usual at this age at people don't usually have their own homes. Would he be interested in railway track maintenance or similar? The job centre fund the course it's a few weeks and you get a guaranteed interview at the end, the money is decent and there's good option for progression, it's also often night/shift work which might suit him

Full time hours are definitely a step forwards. I’d just hoped he would seek out a job with some prospects. I must sound awful.

We live close to a railway, so this could be something to investigate. Really helpful suggestion, thank you!

If he has left school with one gcse this really does limit his options and he is much better looking at traditional manual jobs and progression there.

Most college courses insist on resitting English and maths alongside whatever course you are doing and some flatly will not allow you onto higher level courses until you have passed.

Apprenticeships in traditional trades - plumbing, tiling, electrical etc also usually are competitive and require English and maths at gcse.

You don’t sound awful, you want the best for your son. You want him to succeed and maybe buy a house in the future or have a family if it’s what he wants. You know starting young will make his life easier in the long run.

What you class as success might not be the same as him, he’s young and needs to make mistakes. Charge him board and put some away (if you can) as a savings account for him. It’s hard to stand by and watch but if you are too pushy it will push them away.

I know this isnt helping you as such but I'm wondering about his situation because I didn't think you could leave school at 16 and just get a part time job. Thought you had to be in education or training?

The nocturnal aspect I'd say is more normal, but perhaps in the context of things the aimless part of it may seem more aimless because he's not working towards something more long term in the day.

When he left after GCSEs he went a college where he completed a L2 in animal care. He had to retake English alongside this course but failed it again. He worked weekends at the cafe around college. Now no college, just a few shifts in the cafe. He’s not interested in pursuing a job with animals, just thought the course looked fun!

@PermerlerErndersern has he looked at apprenticeships?

https://www.findapprenticeship.service.gov.uk/apprenticeshipsearch

did he get english and maths?

Just thinking, if he's resistant to anything else maybe leave him to pick the warehouse job.
There's a chance he will come round to thinking that he needs to find himself something else for his own progression, but it will be on his terms (not a fight with parents) and he will at least be earning some more decent money & paying board while he does it.

Depending on how long his mate has been doing the job there's a chance they both might decide it's not for them.

I know it's a different situation, but I worked in factories in my summer hols from uni, and did not enjoy the repetitive/boring/relentless work it at all. I didn't need it, but it was a big reminder that this kind of work wasn't something I wanted for my future. I stuck them out though, for independence and to contribute financially while I was back at home.

What happens when he is 22 and stuck in this routine, and has missed the chance to do an apprenticeship?
Will he be happy in the kind of work he is doing?
does it have scope to become skilled (and therefore more secure/better paid)?
if it doesn’t
I think you should do some research into what he could be doing next?
encourage him to explore some of these options.
because at some point the money won’t be enough, but you won’t want to support him at 28 whilst he trains in something that can actually provide a good living and a positive and motivated life.

Maths was the only one he got

Ah thank you for replying, that makes sense.
Such a shame he didn't want to pursue it, but he does sound like a cutie pie picking that course.

Somebody has to do these jobs. Leave him to it. He might decide eventually he wants to do something else.

My DS has been able to do the same. He had a 3 month paid internship at the beginning that we hoped with progress to apprenticeship but the funding was pulled. After this he’s done various part time, some self employed and now finally at 18 a full time job.

Legally they need to be in education but practically as long as you are no longer claiming child benefit (or any other benefits) no one actually checks or cares.

When I was 18 I had a crappy full-time job in a takeaway because I was tired of FT education after A-levels. I often finished at 11.30 and would drive around for hours with my then boyfriend.

I know my family thought like you and also thought i'd wasted my education as I had no desire to go to Uni at that time and was enjoying having money (however little) in my pocket and arseing around doing whatever I liked. I vividly remember waking up one Saturday, looking at the clock which said 5.30 and thinking i'd only had a couple of hours sleep as got in after 2am but felt strangely rested. Went downstairs to find out it was 5.30 PM and i'd slept for about 14 hours. My Mum had been out all day, otherwise she'd have woken me up, I rushed around doing a few chores and pretended i'd been awake for hours when she got home.

I eventually went to Uni in my 20s and all was fine. Couple of decades later and I sleep from 8pm to 3am every day so a complete reversal, which now most people would think is weird (shrugs).

My 18yo is always out and about and I hardly see her as she stays over friends in town quite often so she doesn’t have to drive home. I think late nights are definitely a thing at this age.

She is doing a third year at college and is also working part time, but her car keeps her motivated to work as she has to pay for it plus any other person expenses.