to let my 18yro just crack on?

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After GCSEs my now 18yr ds left school to work a few shifts a week in a cafe. A levels would have been a struggle academically. I’d hoped he’d complete a qualification alongside this very part time work in the cafe but he doesn’t seem interested. I’ve said he needs to find something full time now. He’s now saying he wants to work in a local warehouse where his mate works. This is full time, but hours at 1pm to 10pm.

He’s already in a strange routine where he picks this mate up from work at 10pm and then they drive around for hours - going McDonald’s, 24hr gym, car meets etc. We have life 360 and I can see he’s where he says he’s been. This is almost every night and ds doesn’t get home until 1am-3am. They’re not doing anything wrong, but it worries me. I can’t really sleep soundly until he is home.

He then goes to bed, phones his gf, and they fall asleep on face time!!

My Dh has just had to go into his room to wake him up for his shift at the cafe (ds’s alarm isn’t working), the gf is sleeping on the phone on ds’s chest! We then hear him cracking open a can of monster - he’s clearly knackered.

He’s not doing anything wrong. He’s 18. But me and Dh are finding his routine unsettling. I’m worried if he takes this job in the warehouse it’ll cement this routine even further and he’ll have no motivation to move onwards and upwards.

How would you tackle this? Or do I leave him to it?!

Colleges can't get funding for 16-19 year old to only do English or maths. They have to be on a full time course.

Warehouse work is a foot in the door. Maybe he'll like it or maybe it'll inspire him to look elsewhere.

Factory work can pay ok (in the right place if course) and shift work suits some people. If he's not academically inclined then a vocational approach is better.

Easy to say until you’re in that situation. My DS worked hard for his maths & English. Had a tutor for last couple of months but too little too late for us.
He is diagnosed ADHD, ASD & Dyslexic. He struggled in yr7, they referred him into the waiting lists. Missed much of yr8&9 due to Covid / lockdowns. The home learning was just not accessible for his needs, no one cared if he logged into lessons or whether he could do the work or not.
He then moved to a 14+ colleges for yr10 & yr11. Only here did he actually start to learn anything. He was a couple of marks off both his Maths & English but did pass a level 2 course (which is equivalent to 2 GCSEs).
Hopefully you can begin to imagine where all this left him mentally and how his confidence was about education.
Can you still stand by saying you would ‘kick them out’. See my post above about what he’s achieved since then, a full time job and self funded driving licence and car.

It’s his phone alarm which seems to be hit and miss as to whether it goes off. He’s going to order himself a back up alarm from Amazon today.

His car insurance is £420pm. For the first year we are paying £100pm towards it, he pays the remaining £320 which is half his current wages at the cafe.

These are the things I’d work on then, being responsible for getting himself up and he’s already a good way towards supporting himself. Let the rest just play out. I totally get how hard it is though when they are out all hours etc.
The lack of GCSEs worries me for the future but I think once they have actual work experience on their CV it becomes less relevant and they can always go back and do it in the future (my DSS has just passed his maths at age 24!).

does he not want to do a vocational course in the future?
carpentry or plumbing for example?
but the bright side is, he is working, and the pay will hopefully be good

Really? How sad.

People (kids are people) mature and evolve differently.

Lucky for ds your not him mum then!
During his GCSE year my dad who he was extremely close to was diagnosed with, and died from, MND. Adding lockdown to the mix, he really struggled with zoom based lessons.

Tbh.. We felt that if he came out of all of that mentally unscathed, we were winning.

I work in a warehouse and nost think like you, its a boring dead end job with no prospects of progression. Times are changing, my warehouse offers apprenticeships to all staff along side their job in logistics/management/HR/finance. They often advertise for jobs else where in the company, in different locations, starting new campaigns etc. So just a heads up not all warehouses are doom and gloom.

That’s really reassuring to hear and I do hope you hadn’t taken offence by my post x

I don't think you sound awful at all, I think you sound like a mum who wants the best for her child. That said, he's 18, so you can offer your opinion and advice, but it doesn't mean he's going to listen.

I have a 15 year old DD who is totally nocturnal when she gets the chance in school holidays, so I don't think it's at all unusual

Let him get on with it… I think it’s very hard guiding these immature young people and as parents we have to remember to notice the positives. He clearly has a good friend, and he has a girlfriend, and he’s been doing a regular job.

That shows he has personal skills and is reliable and they are attributes that will help him as he goes through life. If he works alongside his friend at the warehouse it may be dull but at least it’s with a friend.

I reckon you will look back in future and not regret his choices, it will work out in the long term. And in the short term he’s not hurting himself or anyone else, or doing anything ‘wrong’.

It is an absolute pain when they still live at home on a whacky schedule.

Charge him rent. Set a few ground rules about not disturbing you at night. And go with it for a couple of years at least. When he's in his early 20s, you can expect to hear his longer term plan for moving out and what he intends to do with his life.

He is still young though and he has got a job which is to be applauded

I'd leave him to it for 6 months-1 year.

School is intense, consider it a slack year to let his brain breathe and figure out next steps.

I think it's a balancing act of giving him space to enjoy this time but come to his own conclusion that he needs to move forward with his life, without letting him slip into a depressed black hole. Just set some hard rules where you need to, like no cooking past 10pm due to noise if that's a problem.

I'd say leave him to it. Also don't be so negative about it "only" being a warehouse job with no prospects, who knows where it could lead. My nephew's first full-time job was a cleaner in a large factory, 15 years on and he still works there but is now the production manager.

Well working p.t in a cafe can't be bringing in much money. You must be paying to run his car. Stop enabling it

As I said above, we just pay £100pm towards his insurance. He currently earns £800pm in the cafe. With that half his wages go on £300 insurance, fuel and it’s cheap on tax.

His income/outgoings aren’t a problem

Leave him to it.

He sounds like a pretty good guy tbh.

I was a complete night owl at that age. Now I’m the opposite.

There’s nothing wrong with that sort of job but they are often very manual and not easy to progress, so I know what you mean about getting stuck in one role.

But I don’t think this generation does get stuck easily, they will often change jobs quite happily, unlike 30years when people tended to stay in one place.

If you think he can aim higher there’s nothing to worry about him having this job for now, it doesn’t mean this is his forever job.

Most people have jobs that fit in with their lifestyle whilst they’re that age.

Let him get on with it and then after a year, ask what his long term goals are and if he’s thought about uni ect.

It’s silly he’s FT his gf and I hope she’s not controlling but it could be just that they’re in that sickly teenage love stage.

He’s got friends, a job, a girlfriend, goes out but comes home etc - sounds like a good guy and you’ve done a good job with him.

Just let him carry on as he is, guide him if you think he needs it and every few months perhaps just mention that they’re looking for apprenticeships in X field or there’s a Access to Higher Education course at the local college etc.

it is great that he wants to work, and the shifts might change?
and there is not a lot you can do as he is 18
apart from support him,
remind him about english and courses, remain positive and hopeful and not negative

I'd try and guide him into an apprenticeship, then a few years in he will receive qualifications in the chosen subject. With real life work experience at the same time.

Would everyone here commenting that this is normal and fine have such low expectations of their 18-year-old daughters? Just wondering whether we have two-tier expectations on display.

Not getting at you, OP — I can see that you're concerned about him. I would be too, if he was mine. The night work on the railways sounds ideal.

For an apprenticeship he's going to have to be up early in the morning and turn up regularly and alert enough to work a full day. I used to be involved in organising apprenticeships in the construction sector and we wouldn't have taken on someone we knew had been up till 3am and was functioning on Red Bull. Building sites are dangerous places.

He wouldn't be staying up til that hour, his life would be different which it sounds like what he needs.

I don’t think he needs it right now.

There’s no rule to say we should get up early and go to bed early, he’s just enjoying his youth which he should do for as long as possible.

But I think an apprenticeship would be great for him in a year or 2 and would encourage him to keep an eye out for them.

Have you got young adult children?

That great big Book Of Should I used to believe in - before my children reached that age - became an unhelpful millstone and I ditched it.

Some children thrive in school. Some tolerate it. Some should never have been there at all in a more flexible society, and bolt from it at the first opportunity.

For the one who was desperately keen on university we did the open days and funding and all that.

For the one who wanted a year out to look around before starting a course, we supported that.

For the one who was lucky to leave with minimum qualifications despite being very bright, we supported finding work that suited and time to decide a future for themselves.

Full time work at 18 is a win, OP. Give the lad time to find himself.