to let my 18yro just crack on?

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After GCSEs my now 18yr ds left school to work a few shifts a week in a cafe. A levels would have been a struggle academically. I’d hoped he’d complete a qualification alongside this very part time work in the cafe but he doesn’t seem interested. I’ve said he needs to find something full time now. He’s now saying he wants to work in a local warehouse where his mate works. This is full time, but hours at 1pm to 10pm.

He’s already in a strange routine where he picks this mate up from work at 10pm and then they drive around for hours - going McDonald’s, 24hr gym, car meets etc. We have life 360 and I can see he’s where he says he’s been. This is almost every night and ds doesn’t get home until 1am-3am. They’re not doing anything wrong, but it worries me. I can’t really sleep soundly until he is home.

He then goes to bed, phones his gf, and they fall asleep on face time!!

My Dh has just had to go into his room to wake him up for his shift at the cafe (ds’s alarm isn’t working), the gf is sleeping on the phone on ds’s chest! We then hear him cracking open a can of monster - he’s clearly knackered.

He’s not doing anything wrong. He’s 18. But me and Dh are finding his routine unsettling. I’m worried if he takes this job in the warehouse it’ll cement this routine even further and he’ll have no motivation to move onwards and upwards.

How would you tackle this? Or do I leave him to it?!

When I went to uni at 18 I used to wake up at 12 noon to 1pm every day. Sleep around 4am

Nocturnal is very normal for this age. I actually remember reading David Mitchell's autobiography and him talking about having a similar schedule at this age.

I think it's fine and personally I'd leave him to it. He'll grow out of it - it's partly biological

I think you are a good mum and it’s normal to worry. I have one a similar age and I do also worry about the driving around (in friends cars) as it was never my teenage experience ( we couldn’t afford cars).
Mainly it’s the statistics of teen boys in cars that keeps me awake 😩
It’s great that your son has maths and there is no age limit to apprenticeships.
It’s also really good that he wants to work full time- work ethic is the biggest key to future success. I would absolutely say the same of a daughter.
I floundered as a teen and didn’t get my degree until 30 ish but I caught up. My cousin worked in a warehouse, ended up with a very well paid job (never got a degree).
There are always options, just getting out there and trying things with an open mind and a willing attitude is the main thing.

Whilst I see what you’re saying. Both DD & SDD have both found school far far easier then DS DSS, they learn differently and think differently (I am NOT saying this is the same for all male / female children, but the four in my house) so encouraging them into FE was very different to the boys that confidence had been shafted, had far less chance of being accepted into a course etc was very different. The boys are actually far far harder workers than the girls who found school & education much easier. So in my case it’s about treating them as individuals not as girl / boys.

All I was interested in at that age, was being at mate’s houses, clubbing, shopping, hanging out in parks. We were all doing it. Some mums were worried, of course. We grew out of it.

I'm not sure this would sit very well with me. Everyone is allowed a break, a chance to do not very much. But more importantly his whole attitude and personality suggest no interest, drive, commitment, which is more worrying.
I don't think he's ready to hear it yet though. But I'd still talk to him about it all.

Slightly off topic.....but is that £300 car insurance every month? I didn't realise car insurance was so expensive 😱

He’s got a job, earning his own money, has managed to pass his driving test and is pretty much finding his own car. Where does no drive and motivation come into it! He’s not gaming 24/7 like a lot of young people his age.

Just olacemarking - I'm in a similar position re nocturnal wanderings! Strangely comforting to know we're not alone

It’s actually £400 OP said, she is paying £100pm. My DSs is £380 pm on a 1.0 Picanto. Very normal now for 17/18 year old boys.

@Futurethinking2026 that's so much 😱

Apparently it’s an evolutionary thing from when we were cave people.

The teens would have a different routine than the adults, where they would stay up late and the adults would then wake up early and take over the duties, whilst the teens would sleep.
So there was always someone awake to do the duties.

They say that secondary schools should start and finish later to fit in with their biological clock, considering it’s not actually their fault for struggling to fall asleep/wake up early.

It would be like us having to go to school at 1am.

Teens also need a lot more sleep than adults too.

Your son has got himself a@ full-time job. He’s got friends. He keeps fit, he’s learnt to drive. All that and it’s only 18 fantastic achievement. He sounds like a great guy. Well done you for bringing him up.

I was going to say the same thing. There is progression in warehouses. At my old job I progressed from a general op to supervisor, this was 3 promotions there and I skipped one level. I know people who have become area managers from general ops.

I've managed a warehouse and we hired lots of guys his age. Often it absolutely MADE them if they begin a bit unsure (start off with lots of slacking, realised they might lose the job, then knuckle down and get on with it) ~ he'll eventually get bored and pursue management or another job. In the meantime it can be lots of fun and the physical labour involved cements the idea there's plenty of non-desk jobs out there you can be valued in!

No! I meant crashes through sleep deprivation 😂😂

Car is, as now, uncrashed. Unlike his brother who wrote his off after a week…

Each to their own. I'd want a bit more for my children, but I'm lucky that they want a bit more for themselves at this age without my input.

As long as it’s someone else’s kids packing the boxes in the warehouses, and stacking the shelf’s in the supermarkets this Christmas …. All will be good in the MN world.

He's got a job and is wanting to progress to a slight step up in one. He has friends and a girlfriend. He's doing far, far better than many out there at 18 and if he is happy I would leave him to it! He'll find his way, he's got plenty of time.

@Renlou if I had my time again and was back to being 18 I would go for a warehouse or factory job because they are generally steady shifts and a reasonable wage.

My ds was like this. School and us thought he was Oxbridge material academically but he had zero interest.
Spent a lot of time with questionable friends doing god knows what.
Struggled with MH, we tried a lot of different tactics and in the end realised we needed to step back. He knew we were there for him but he didn't want our input.

Eventually he got a full time job, has had a few different full time jobs since then, moved out, struggled but righted himself and now at the grand old age of 26 has gone to university!
The last few years he's let us back into his life, asked us for advice and support, comes home to visit and stay with us and generally seems really happy.

It's hard in the moment but I think if you let him know constantly you're there for support if he needs it then let him get on with things his way it's the best you can do.

This. I've worked in warehouses for 10 years now. I've always been paid above minimum wage. My old job had plenty of overtime opportunities. And there is progression within, without needing qualifications.

I'm unsure why people look down on certain jobs. It may not been the most "fun" job but the people I work with (well majority of them haha) make it.

There are probably many of us out here in similar circumstances OP - my DD did her alevels (did badly as she didn’t revise) but is now in an apprenticeship- which we literally have to stand over her in the morning to get her out of bed for (causing us to sometimes be late for work). She also works in a pub (she will be leaving this soon as she has the full time job now) but is routinely out till 3/4am just driving around, forgetting to eat (she has a diagnosed eating disorder) last night I was on the verge of going to find her at 430am as we had no clue where she was - pub had shut at 1130 the drive home is 25 mins on dark, country roads. Plus she lies so we struggle to trust her!! She then comes in shouts at me ‘I’m 18 and an adult’ and goes to bed! She is still asleep now and has missed a catch up with another friend who doesn’t have nocturnal sleeping patterns.

We all get that it’s fab to be 18 but they don’t seem to be much of an adult when it’s time to get up and go to work?

I am just saying this seems to be how it is now. All I have ever requested from either of my DCs is one text saying all is good, on way home or Im staying at xxx’s tonight (just so we know not to panic in the morning when they aren’t here) and that they get up and get to work appropriately. I hope to god this is a phase for us all it’s just so disruptive. I hope your DS finds a job soon, I would encourage him to get the warehouse job as no job is for life anymore so he will find his way xx

DS has done all sorts of random hours when working. He did a stint at a warehouse when he first left college and would often do the night shift. Now he’s at Uni and is quite happy working in a shop doing shelf stacking, starting at 4am then going straight to lectures. He has an afternoon nap then goes off out with his mates. It would kill me but he thrives on it.

I’m the opposite.

You only have a very short amount of time to be young and carefree and you should do whatever you want, for as long as you can.

They’ve got the rest of their lives to settle down and have a more serious career.

Life is for living and not just about your career goals.
I think it’s good to work in different areas and get experience in different settings and with different people.

Just because it’s lower paid, doesn’t mean you can’t progress or get valuable experience/ lifelong friends from it.

There is nothing wrong with leaving school and taking some time to enjoy being a young adult, focusing on friends, experiences, travelling, hobbies etc whatever you enjoy.

It’s sad to think some kids are only focused on their careers or getting married and having kids.

Definitely no offence taken, as a parent I get it. I just wanted to offer a different point of view, not all hope is lost. Obviously these things may be available, if you ds wants to take them is another matter.