To be annoyed I’m not in partners will????

[YourRealBiscuit]

Backstory
we’ve been together almost 14 years. We’ve got children. Not married. His house we have lived in. He’s 60 I’m 50.

Am I being unreasonable that I’m annoyed now he’s doing his will his intention is to leave everything to the kids?
We have a decade age gap and I can’t help wondering what would happen to me of he died before me?
he sees it as his stuff so he leaves to who he wants to but I think it’s a huge red flag coupled with the fact obviously he’s not popped the question too

feels to me like he doesn’t really see us as an US?

what do you think?

I agree, but I guess my point was he's clearly not a decent person so I wouldn't hold out any hope of him behaving like one now!

My point all along is that he clearly has very little regard for her, but also that OP has played a part in this scenario by letting herself get into a situation where she's incredibly vulnerable.

It would certainly be unusual amongst my (poorer side of normal background) family and friends for a 36 year old woman to have zilch going into a relationship with a wealthy man.

In very old-fashioned parlance, she wouldn’t be a good marriage prospect for a well-off man. Same other way round.

My partner and I met mid- late thirties. He owned a house outright, with savings on top. Like OP’s partner. But I had a mortgaged property with a good chunk of equity, a good salary, and some savings too, so there wasn’t a big financial imbalance.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m always railing against e.g girls being encouraged into beauty therapy courses when same ability boys are encouraged into engineering apprenticeships. Ten years later she’s still on minimum wage and he’s on at least 40k. Sadly still not unusual. But more usually that inequality flows through into partnerships - people are generally looking for, and able to find, a partner on the same financial level as them. If women are still looking to ‘marry-up’ it’s understandable but unrealistic to expect the imbalance to disappear.

A solicitor will attempt to make a will watertight. Which often means attaching an explanation of why someone has been left out when they might have been expected to inherit. So not unreasonable to think the solicitor might ask about these things.

My point all along is that he clearly has very little regard for her, but also that OP has played a part in this scenario by letting herself get into a situation where she's incredibly vulnerable. She's already acknowledged this. Don't rub it in.

Is this somehow linked to the recent budget?
Please don't let anyone say you haven't contributed to rent etc over the last few years so his actions are acceptable. You have been raising children and looking after the house so you have saved him money that way.....
He is behaving appalling and I think you need to do everything to secure your future financially.

You have no claim to the house as it is in his name only and it sounds like he wants your kids to get everything, including the house when he dies.

You are not married so you are not entitled to anything...

Do you work? because you really need to look at making and saving your own money from now on.

I would say it is always a danger to have kids when you are not married and not to buy a property jointly so I think you have also made some poor decisions.

I wasn't - I was answering your point, not saying it directly to OP who has already responded to my posts saying as much.

Hopefully this thread serves as a warning for other women in the future.

@ImustLearn2Cook ,to play devil's advocate, this system isn't perfect though is it?
So for example, I am a widow with 2 adult children who both have disabilities. If I met a man and cohabited with him what would happen to the house which I currently own in my sole name? Would he then have rights to it, over and above the children who are the product of my marriage?
If he did then I believe that would be unfair. I want the home that my late husband and I paid for to go to our children, not some random man who made no payments to it.
We married because we understood marriage to be a legal contract. A random man living with me for 2 years didn't contribute and didn't enter into a contract to have those rights. In this situation, I just wouldn't invite him to be part of my life.

I should be a lot more fucking blunt.

Look, we have been together 14 years and have children. We are a family and need to be set up that way legally and financially.

You should get married.
You should have mirror wills going to each other and then to the kids.

He is treating you as some sort of fucking handmaid - bearing his kids, doing donkey work and then when he dies you can go fuck yourself. This is mad!

You should not be remotely embarrassed or ashamed in asking for full financial information and proper will planning.

What an utter cunt - he doesn't see you as an equal. You might as well be a farm animal to him - brood mare. I know that sounds nasty, but I'd say it to him to shake him into action. Don't back down and don't be embarrassed. He lives with you, has done for 14 years, you are a family with kids. Having financial secrets and not having you in his will at this point is utterly disgraceful.

Agree

You need to be clever now OP, strategic and plan carefully. Your DP has done you out of a fair share of assets gained during your relationship while you sacrificed your career when the children were small. He is a dick for that, I reckon 90% of us agree.

However now you are working FT and not contributing to bills much you need to use this time to maximise your own assets.

DO NOT pull the trigger on a separation or you will be spending your income on rent and bills while he sits pretty in his big house with his big bank account.

Stay, plan, put away savings, maximise your pension contributions. Maybe buy a property to rent out if you can.

When his health fails and starts needing to be looked after, THEN you go. Yes it's cold but he's looked after number 1 for years, it's your time now. You might have 20 years yet to save for your retirement. Make the most of it.

Oh and pp is correct re solicitor. They ought to ask why partner has been left out of will. And usually a letter of wishes accompanying will explain this. And usually it'd say something (better worded) like "I have left YourRealBiscuit out of my will because she does not rely on me financially and will be ok without inheriting from me"

I'd be very worried in your position that he is putting things in place to leave you - to literally tell you to get out of the house and fuck off now.

He’s not worried about taking care of you in the event of his death, because he doesn’t see you together as a couple when he dies.

He isn’t making a new will. He has one that currently provides for you and the two children - but something has made him change his mind to remove you from his will.

That is what he is doing this week - he is changing his will purely to remove you. There must be a reason for this.

If I were you I would tell him that since he is removing you from his will this week, from now on you will not be contributing towards the bills or upkeep of the house. He has made his position clear that the house is his, that you have zero stake in it. So now he must pay all the bills and do all physical work to look after it. All of your salary will now be ploughed into ISAs and pension. He has a massive nest egg, you have £6k. Your only priority now is to build your own pot of money. And if he isn’t happy with that, then sure he is the one being grabby!

it is possible for him to set up a will which would give the house to your children and allow you to live there until you die. This could work well from a tax planning perspective. I think it would provide a good compromise.

Wow what a mean man! But also, I would be presenting it to him as how selfish he is being, not just towards you, his long term partner and mother of his children, but also the children themselves. Let’s say they are adults when he dies. Your son inherits the house, your daughter the money. Your son is then left in a horrible position of having to either evict his own mother in order to access his inheritance, or let you stay and not be able to benefit from his inheritance until you die. All whilst creating a mighty sibling rift as your daughter has no such moral dilemma and is happily spending her £400k+. He’s not thought this through an iota!

To me this is about the way he views you, and it sounds like he doesn’t view you as his partner. He’s showing a distinct lack of care or love for you. I would seriously reflect on this (I think you are) and stop wasting my time with someone who sees you as a bit part.

This sums it up beautifully. You shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed. He has treated you like a random stranger (one PP phrased it 'living rent-free' like you were a lodger- they're both your kids!! Raising them is work!!). He does NOT get to make you feel grabby for wanting security and to know what's happened to the assets that your labour in childraising has helped him build up.

I am sorry you are in this position OP. I agree with other posters who say don’t leave but use this time to save like mad and put money into your own pension. As well as your wages save as much household money as you can without him noticing. When he needs care that is the time to leave. Good luck.

Well first off children dont need to know everything.
Second, if you must say anything, reword it to
I'm leaving your father because he doesnt care about me or want to marry me. It's TRUE, so no lying involved. But it says the same.

He's getting his ducks in a row.

He isn't bothered if he dies first because he isn't planning on being with you for much longer so doesnt want you to have any of his or his parents money. I bet he is planning on leaving you once the youngest starts senior school (i.e. when wrap around and holiday care you presumably do is no longer required). If you try to claim any beneficial interest in the house he will refer to the fact that you knew he changed his will and by default agreed to that situation. He doesn't care if dd will end up worst off compared to his brother as she's female.

I stand by my earlier post, if the relationship is tolerable I'd play the long game and stay with him and stash away as much as you can over the next few years in account/pensions solely in your name so you'll have some money in the bank when he leaves you.

He sounds awful, and not very clever. The idea of leaving the house to your son and money to your daughter is so daft. Or is this just an attempt to disinherit your daughter also as he knows the money will be used up during his retirement or for care fees? Does he despise women generally?

He doesn't see you as a family and has made no committment to you. You need to save all you can to buy your own house in the future. See a solicitor in case you can claim anything as a settlement from him.

You have no idea of my father tax position and he has consulted a tax lawyer for inheritance planning so we’re all good, thanks. They don’t even live in the UK.

This is absolutely leave him situation in my eyes.

He doesn't see you as a life partner but more a current girlfriend. Theres zero commitment. Yes you've lived in his house but you've sacrificed your income, pension and body to raise his kids and you've less rights than a tenant.

I' have kids, dont work and we are not married but all financial decisions are joint. All pensions, insurance etc is set to each other. This was after 2yrs. To be in your situation after 14 is shocking!

The solicitor has to act on the client's instructions, as long as they are lawful. So if OP's partner has said "set up my will so that OP gets nothing," that is what the solicitor has to do. They might have explained that there are options like allowing OP to live in the house, and what the risks are of cutting OP out of the will, but they cannot compel him to include her or allow her to stay in the house.

I worded it badly.

By giving one the house and the other whatever else is left, he clearly isn't treating them equally