To be annoyed I’m not in partners will????

[YourRealBiscuit]

Backstory
we’ve been together almost 14 years. We’ve got children. Not married. His house we have lived in. He’s 60 I’m 50.

Am I being unreasonable that I’m annoyed now he’s doing his will his intention is to leave everything to the kids?
We have a decade age gap and I can’t help wondering what would happen to me of he died before me?
he sees it as his stuff so he leaves to who he wants to but I think it’s a huge red flag coupled with the fact obviously he’s not popped the question too

feels to me like he doesn’t really see us as an US?

what do you think?

It’s chilling actually. He would be quite comfortable leaving you living out of a shopping trolley in your old age while your kids take nearly a million pound estate after all you have done for the family unit.

OP, your children should be more concerned about you than getting their inheritance. My parents were married, thankfully, but I never thought about inheritance when I was left with one parent.
It is also bonkers that he’s leaving a house to his son and the cash to his daughter - he’s not landed gentry, it’s 2024.
He sounds like he treats you like a child and not one who should inherit. If you’d have wanted to be around someone for money then you’ve picked the wrong person in him!
He sounds like he’s enjoying all of this to me, and that is cruel.
I agree with PP who feel he wouldn’t want you to meet someone else in the bring of his death.
I couldn’t stay with a man like this.
But it’s your choice, and it’s time to get some financial
advice for your future. Not forgetting a will!

A PP mentioned university fees. OP's income would be included in the "Household" calculation for means-tested loans... depending on how much her partner is earning then, he might not like that if he's as selfish as it seems.

I disagree. People have been bamboozled into thinking marriage = proposal, ring, wedding, big dress, hearts and flowers and all the other flimflam that is actually totally unimportant in the long run. Marriage is a legal contract between two people that creates rights and responsibilities for both of them. Civil partnerships are the same thing re-packaged. The law has recognised for thousands of years that when two people pair off and especially when they have children they become financially intertwined and so that relationship needs special status to protect both spouses and their children.

It's a massive step to tie yourself to another human being in this way. Both parties should think carefully about it and it's not always going to be the right thing to do. The obvious cases are those where one or both spouses were married before and have children from those first marriages who they want to inherit. It would be totally wrong for the law to say 'actually I know you didn't choose to marry again but as far as we're concerned you behaved like you were married, so your partner will now get all your assets, not your children'. The parties to a marriage should always be making a conscious choice to do it.

Lots of people don't bother to marry or think being a " common law" partner will protect them but it leaves you with no legal rights. My DP and I have no DC but we've made wills, POA, insurance and pension rights all to be paid to the other on our deaths. If you love someone you want to protect them, think about that Op

OP, no need to make any rushed decisions.
The one thing you can do is save, save, and save more.
That is your insurance policy.
If he starts to get angry about that then you know he actually does not want you to have any options.

At the moment the children are housed and growing and you can save aggressively.

Every month you are building a pot to make your life more secure.

That should be your focus from now on.
Over the next year or two, when you have a deposit and money for basics, THEN you decide about do you actually want to be with this mean old man?

He has put a roof over your childrens head, yes, but you have sacrificed an income and raised them for free.
You do not owe him ANYTHING.

That he would not want you to be secure in your housing with at the very very least a life time interest, says so much about him.

You need to look after YOU.

Except as others have pointed out it may not be half each by the time he dies. A house might appreciate much more in value than other assets.

OP, are there cultural issues here? I'm puzzled by your partner's attitudes - not just not wanting to marry you before/just after having children with you, but also why he wants to treat your daughter and son differently for inheritance purposes. Does he come from a culture that treats women as lesser to men?

OP, you had lots of sensible advice here.

What’s done it’s done and there’s no point in dwelling on it.You applied the same rules to him as you’d like to be treated and it didn’t work.

Sadly you have been had by your „partner”, bore him kids and to your own detriment allowed him to accumulate the assets.

Yes,kids will be upset(they always are when parents split up).They will get over it and they will get used to it.

However you need to think about yourself NOW as this is YOUR future. Your kids will be provided for(great) but you need to act now.

Check your state pension, you can buy some contributions to it (NI stamps)

Get a legal advice whether you have anything to gain from the set up you currently have.
Custody 50/50 if he wants(and NO bailing him out when he can’t drop off/pick up his kids)

CAO if needed (would be crystal clear re duties and obligations)

or you are main carer and hit the bastard with CMS.

Save up like mad and buy something yourself or go private renting.

No more propping up selfish dick of your”partner” with your labour.

And last- keep your cards very close to your chest. He’s not on your side and showed the contempt he has for you. There’s no coming back from this.

I’m sorry(actually not) to call this guy derogatory names but he’s not a decent human being. Decent human beings don’t treat their spouses the way he did.

Good luck OP 💐

How old are your children? and how many. As a unmarried couple his children, and his parents would get the rights to what ever is in his will. You will only get any thing if it is written in his will to be given to you. Have you ever made a cohabiting agreement?

My parents bought their house for £54,000 in 1994. When my mother died in 2021, we sold it for £500,000. The actual cash she had left was less than 1% of this because her savings first and then pension income was depleted massively by paying for care (just an hour and a quarter a day) for just 2 years. So you should also fight for your daughter, while you're at it. It seems he has a problem with women generally.

My mam had a clause like that and DH will be able to stay too

Obviously if I die anytime soon given we have a toddler he would be raising the kids in the inherited in house anyway as their parent.

While many don't want to kick their partner out I don't understand why any person automatically feels entitled to something they didn't pay for though regardless of married or not, its just quite 'golddigger-y'. If it was the other way around and I lived rent free in DH house for the last 17 years I would not expect to become owner of the house, I would still expect it to pass to our children.

I mean I paid to live in the same rented accommodation for 14 years, it was my main home for most my life. If my landlord died I would totally expected to have to move out, lose that home and start again even regardless of the £80k+ I paid into it over the years. Yet people expect to just get something they put nothing into, why? just because they are sleeping with the owner.

Read the OP's posts. There are two children she describes as tweens. Also, as there are children, the partner's parents are totally irrelevant from an inheritance point of view. The OP would have been better posting this in Legal where there are qualified people who could advise. Often on AIBU people say what they think the law should be or state their wrong beliefs about it, which is really not helpful.

There may not be any money to leave if he needs care/ care home. So daughter would get the £ 23 K he would be allowed to keep. That would be unfair.

I really hope your partner has engaged a good solicitor who will talk him through how bad his estate planning is and all the pitfalls that could arise. Hopefully he'll see sense if it's coming from someone else rather than you OP.

I'd definitely ask to attend the appointment, so you know what is agreed upon and where you'll stand. It's bad enough he's not thinking of giving you the right to live in the house, even if for a set period, but to not leave you a percentage of cash at all is appalling. You've forfeited the ability to earn a good income by being around to raise his kids. That seems to count for nothing.

Children don't just "come". You decided to have them, even though you didn't feel welcome in his (also their) home. Do you generally go through life just letting things happen to you? Time to give yourself a kick up the backside.

Please don't just replace what you think he wants you to think with what you think the MN wants you to think.

While the situation isn't ideal and you have to deal with not being in the kind of partnership you hoped for, you have some choices.

Staying for now and building a proper savings can be good short term approach, giving you time to decide for yourself.
Just don't give up your job or money to care for him.

His plan with children inheriting house Vs money is bad. I'm not sure you can make him see it now. Worth trying for the sake of your daughter.

Another unfair aspect would be that the DD would have to pay any IHT on the whole estate out of her share.

Because he's her partner, not her landlord, because she's the mother of his children and sacrificed her career to raise them and because she thought that she was part of a family, not a business arrangement.

They've been together for 14 years and have children together and you just describe it as OP 'sleeping with the owner'.

Can you take out a new life ins policy for him
with just you as beneficiary? Worth asking your IFA

...and then the house would have to be sold, with OP having no say in the matter and DS ending up with nothing! This is a bonkers will.

@YourRealBiscuit
OP, if you have a salary of £30k and no rent/mortgage to pay then SAVE SAVE SAVE.
You should not be paying half of the household/childcare bills but a % contribution based on your salary. I'm not sure if you have mentioned what his is, but say 30:70.

Does your workplace offer a decent pension?

He assumes he won't die before you, despite being a decade older and having a man's lower life expectancy? He is either deluded or considers you some kind of service personnel, a visitor in his life, not a partner. Sorry, OP.

That’s a really good point. It doesn’t sound like the advice he’s getting is sound so the person writing the will might not even realise. IHT is a testamentary expense unless otherwise stated in the will.

The will should be house to partner for life, savings to kids. Then on her death OP can leave to kids free of tax as will have her own nil rate band of £325k and also the residence element.

This completely protects the kids and anything else is ill advised due to likelihood of litigation. In these circumstances the court would likely make a substantial award to house the OP for life.

Of course if the kids are adults and take after their mum, they can re-write the will to this effect and save a bit of tax as well as housing their poor mum.

Hopefully the FA would be able to advise you. I'd agree about saving aggressively so that you can be independent financially. I wish you luck, awful situation to find yourself in.

This!!!
@YourRealBiscuit you have contributed all these years and only mysogenists would disagree.
You gave birth to and raised two children during ALL THIS TIME your childcare and everything else you did was FREE.
If you cost up:
childcare for all those years
Your LOSS of income
Your LOSS of NI and pension contributions
Your career deprication
Etc .... ALL THIS has been your contribution to the household.
Seriously. You have NOT been living "rent free" you have been an active partner. To say otherwise is financial abuse and gaslighting.
This is why women get married before having children as the marital finances are split and the woman's contribution recognised legally.
@YourRealBiscuit I am so so sorry your partner doesn't see any of this.