To be annoyed I’m not in partners will????

[YourRealBiscuit]

Backstory
we’ve been together almost 14 years. We’ve got children. Not married. His house we have lived in. He’s 60 I’m 50.

Am I being unreasonable that I’m annoyed now he’s doing his will his intention is to leave everything to the kids?
We have a decade age gap and I can’t help wondering what would happen to me of he died before me?
he sees it as his stuff so he leaves to who he wants to but I think it’s a huge red flag coupled with the fact obviously he’s not popped the question too

feels to me like he doesn’t really see us as an US?

what do you think?

Hi, how is it wrong?

An estate of £800k with a LIT to non-married partner is £400k into trust. The other £400k to the children.

First £325k nil-rate band, taxable estate of £475k. Tax on £475k is £190k.

You cannot leave a LIT to unmarried partner partially to children in this way, would not work practically.

I wish I’d come here for advice sooner. Around ten years ago perhaps!

I do think I could ask to go to the solicitors too, but the solicitor is advising HIM not me so I don’t know if that would help me at all TBH

I think it makes huge sense for me to start saving really aggressively with a view to buy a house. I guess if I didn’t want to upset the kids I could deem it that we wanted to live separately and look at it that way. So I could move in and not rent it.

I have a fair salary of over £30k which would mean I could buy a small home with a fairly modest deposit but then, all my saving power would be curtailed for my pensions.

I have really made a mess haven’t I.

Step away from all the I've been made to feel, he's judging me, thinking me grabby nonsense. That is passive, childish behaviour.

This is your future.

Say he dies at 90. You're a homeless 80 year old with no money.

I can't imagine your children would allow this to happen to you - but what if they choose partners who are like yours?

Partners who behave the only way they've ever been shown?

Happy to see you with nothing - as long as they get theirs? An inherited house and equivalent money (incidentally, WILL it be worth the same in the future?) are very attractive.

I voted YABU because it’s quite disingenuous to act like this is suddenly an issue when you’ve been with the man for 14 years knowing he’d never marry you. Surely you can’t pretend to be shocked that what’s his is his?

You’ve benefitted from this his relationship in that time. He's paid for you to stay at home for a long time. You’ve never paid rent. You’re in a stupidly vulnerable situation, but you can’t pretend it didn’t suit you when it did.

Knowing and shaping the contents of his will won’t give you security. He can change it anytime he wants and without consulting you.

I’d leave the relationship, work full time, claim CMS and buy a home property.

If you won’t leave the relationship, buy a property yourself and rent it out. Plan to move into it in nice he dies. I’m crease your pension contributions and your savings. Look out for yourself- he’s not going to help you.

I don't understand how you can bear to stay in this relationship. It sounds totally transactional, at least on your partner's side. You are basically staff.

Tell him this.

Talk to him. What will your old age look like?

You will be working still when he is 77. What's his plan for between 67 and 77? IE when you are 57-67? Does he have a good pension? Is he expecting you to cover any shortfall? Will he still be covering all the household costs? What about kids university costs?

You need to talk.

Ask him to put in a clause allowing you to remain in the property and (and cover all bills) until your death and then it passes to your children. Many couples in your position do this.

So you chose to stay with him for 15 years and have two children together, and it's just now occurring to you what you really wanted and expected all along was marriage and security?

OK, I'm confused here. Wouldn't the OP simply pay IHT on their death as there is no spousal exemption?

If his estate is worth £800k he's happier for it to go to the tax man than to you.. Simply from a financial perspective it would be better for him to marry you if this is a lifelong relationship. I hate to ask but do you think he's planning to break up once the job of raising the kids is done?

If two unmarried people each have an estate of £500k and leave to each other on life interest trusts, then the first to die gets taxed on £175k, which is £70k.

The second to die then gets taxed on £930k.

She wanted marriage but didn't expect it but she certainly didn't expect to be thrown out of her home on her husband's death.

Although they aren't married, OP thought she was in a family that included herself, her partner and her kids. Her partner thinks he's in a family that only includes himself and his kids.

The easiest thing for him to do is leave the house to your son in a trust with a lifetime right for you to reside there ( or set time period) at which time then passes to your son

Maybe. I’ve started to view everything completely differently lately, so I really don’t know.

i know it’s easy to think I viewed this as an easy ride but to me, we were partners, he supported me when I raised the kids, I’m going to work longer than him so I’ll support him then.

i even offered for him to stop working now and I’d support us, so this is far from the cash cow situation some may think. I’d have done more and saved more and contributed more, had I not had the kids.

Oh dear, you’ve been an unpaid housekeeper. He sounds a bit of an idiot to have come up with a plan where one child gets the house the other money when there are so many variables.

apart from the money and will (he may “just” be tight) does he look after you when you’re ill, do you enjoy each other’s company? In fact, do you feel he even likes you?

when he says that it doesn’t need to be fixed as he won’t die first, the simple answer is that if he doesn’t die first the will doesn’t matter!

Oh, one more thing. He could make a will entirely in your favour. Show it to you … and then write a different one leaving you nothing next day.

Thankfully I was married, but this was my position https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/legal_matters/2603826-Could-I-contest-DHs-will?page=1
I feel such an attitude speaks volumes about the relationship, and it really isn’t worth investing in it. I was waiting for GCSEs and A levels to be over but in the end ex raped me and I couldn’t continue with the charade. The marriage ended Easter before the exams. The children involved did extremely well in them so please don’t think ending things will screw them up.

@YourRealBiscuit if I were you I’d save every penny I earned. If he queries it just calmly explain that you have to save for your future and look after your own interests. Perhaps take out life insurance on him then at least you will have something when he dies.

And good luck, it’s horrible to realise they really don’t give a fuck.

What about his daughter?

This happened to an acquaintance of mine. Similar age gap to OP. She lost her long term partner when she was about 60. The house & money all went to the kids and she ended up living in a park home (aka caravan). You need to urgently get this sorted out.

You’ve benefitted from this his relationship in that time. He's paid for you to stay at home for a long time. You’ve never paid rent. You’re in a stupidly vulnerable situation, but you can’t pretend it didn’t suit you when it did.

By 'paid for her to stay home' - did you mean when she was having and raising his children and sacrificing her career and pension to do so?

My mam left everything to me and siblings not her partner of 30 years.

I plan to leave everything to my kids not my husband (and yes you can disinheritance a married spouse).

Everyone in my family died young, DH family is very healthy and does not. Im disabled with many health issues and he is not. Statistically he will likely out live me where he could then easily remarry and take my lifes worth of inheritance and give it to some future partner who might then outlive him and then pass it onto their loved ones not our kids... that WILL NOT happen.

I will protect my own children like any decent parent should.

God, you see that’s what would happen to me.

i know I’ve been shortsighted and I can’t demand anything so now I need to make the best I can.

I have messaged a FA for an appt next week

I don't think it's a cash cow/easy ride situation at all! I think you were trusting him when you had his kids and took time out of work to raise them.

You can ask, but a decent person would already be thinking along those lines.

You need to make plans

Op you need to decided how you feel.

You are flip flopping between it’s not fair and it is.

Theres many sides to this. You say he will expect you to take care of him when he hasn’t taken care of you. But also he has covered most of the bills and you say he is, generally, a good partner.

Do you see it as he can only look after you if he looks after you financially?

He has been honest. He isn’t going to marry you and doesn’t see you as a joint entity when it comes to finances. You then made decisions knowing that. You had kids, you worked part time and so on.

You can absolutely remain in this relationship as long as you start viewing you both as financially separate and set your own finances up. you made decisions being fully aware that he wasn’t going to legally and financially tie himself to you. You can continue that but make better decisions.

But you won’t get it all your own way. You won’t get to contribute minimally (financially) and get looked after if he does. So use your good position to improve your own life. Take the plus of the relationship and improve the bits you don’t like (finances) yourself, if you want to stay

Apparently she's getting money

He's not lumping it all together so they just get half each