To be annoyed I’m not in partners will????

[YourRealBiscuit]

Backstory
we’ve been together almost 14 years. We’ve got children. Not married. His house we have lived in. He’s 60 I’m 50.

Am I being unreasonable that I’m annoyed now he’s doing his will his intention is to leave everything to the kids?
We have a decade age gap and I can’t help wondering what would happen to me of he died before me?
he sees it as his stuff so he leaves to who he wants to but I think it’s a huge red flag coupled with the fact obviously he’s not popped the question too

feels to me like he doesn’t really see us as an US?

what do you think?

You have a totally inequitable relationship. The reality is without marriage (a financial contract so to say) you have no (or at best very little) claim on his assets.

he can write his will as he sees fit. Of course you can offer to write yours openly so he can see it - kindly you don’t have anything that he will ever need.

i think you need to go get some financial advice because I assume as well as no house security, you don’t have a pension. What if he dies in the next couple of years? Or, as others suggested, that you will need to care for him.

setting aside the emotional element you need to get your own finances in order because he very clearly sees that he won’t be supporting you after death.

given that you have been together 14 years and have kids, his outlook is pretty off putting and in your shoes I would consider leaving as a serious option.

Thank you @Boobygravy I agree. He couldn’t charge her full rent for the house because he lives there too. He could charge her share accommodation or lodgings. She could itemise the services she provided. What is the going rate for a cleaner? Charge him 50%. How much does a laundry service cost. 100% for his clothing and 50% for the children’s clothing. What is the hourly rate for being a cook? Charge him 50% of that. How many hours she lost from reducing her work hours to look after the kids. Divide that in half and charge him the going rate for a child minder for his share of the child care. Then she can look into the typical rent for share accommodation today, figure out what would have been the typical rent 14 years ago and calculate a yearly rent raise until it reaches the amount typically charged today. Then calculate each year. Then she can deduct the share accommodation or lodgings rent from the total of services rendered. I am pretty sure that she would come out on top.

But the real point is to highlight that she is not grabby, that her contribution to the household and their family should be taken into consideration and that it is just as valuable as his financial contribution and they are meant to be a team. Whether they are married or not. She is the mother of his children and they have been together a long time.

Honestly, I personally find the institution of marriage to be very old fashioned and I think in this day and age long term committed relationships, especially with shared children, should be protected as much as marriage. I’m not from the UK so things are a bit different here.

He's providing for his (your) children this is something MNetters complain about husbands not doing ALL the time

The children can inherit tax free whereas a non spouse has limitations

Also if he and then you goes into a care home or such it further protects you and the home from creatng a massive bill the kids cannot pay

Unless your a birch to your children or plan screwing them somehow this is greed talking

I’m talking about IHT

No it’s not greed. HTH.

Has he thought about inheritance tax? For some part it’s actually sensible to give the assets to the children rather than you as then if you needed to go into care for example then they can’t use that to make you pay.

but there is going to be massive tax burdens

I would not continue to live with this man. He is awful. I'd be refusing to speak to him again, stacking every penny away and looking legally into what I was entitled to from the house/savings he has got. I can't believe you aren't entitled to a penny of it, simply because it's in his name.

OP I say this gently but I really want to shake you!!

you’re wouldn’t be leaving because he left you nothing on his eill, you’d be leaving b because he cares so little for you he’d see you homeless in your old age and that for years he’s made you feel small mean and grabby for wanting to discuss financial security. You’d also be leaving him because he’s prioritised your son over your daughter. You’d be leaving him because he doesn’t take you or your so called ‘relationship’ seriously. That’s why you’d be leaving!!!

you didn’t answer my comment re housework but somehow o sense he’s not exactly done 50% housework and parenting either

Yes. But maybe he is thinking he shouldnt have a woman financially dependent on him?

She hasn't paid rent, bills etc has no assets, pension etc and patchy employment history (yes yes with kids etc but only 14 years so was 36 before they got together!).. .. is OP expecting partner to pay for her in retirement too?

Is there an US? I'm not sure. But I can certainly see that there are loads of assumptions being made here.

Then she doesnt need to lay claim

Honestly, I personally find the institution of marriage to be very old fashioned and I think in this day and age long term committed relationships, especially with shared children, should be protected as much as marriage.

Why? If you want the protection of marriage - get married. It exists for a reason. There are plenty of couples who deliberately choose not to marry - why should they essentially have it forced on them?

This is how I think I’ve been made to view it and believe it should be viewed, if I’m honest.

he’s not tight, no but I didn’t have things payed for me like for instance clothes etc but the household bills were always paid and I wasn’t asked for money for them while I was out of work.

There is no share. She has no claim.

Get him to leave them the house but giving you the right to live there for the rest of your life.

You need to think of yourself. Surely your son would want his mother housed rather than have his inheritance? I couldn’t sit pretty in a house while my mum had an insecure living situation.

It’s not grabby. You need to lose this mindset. What do you have to lose right now if he does think that’s you? But it isn’t granny, you want a home.

Time to think of yourself. Your DP isn’t thinking of you. I’d want to be on the deeds myself.

Honestly, I personally find the institution of marriage to be very old fashioned and I think in this day and age long term committed relationships, especially with shared children, should be protected as much as marriage. I’m not from the UK so things are a bit different here

Totally agree. As this shows, the current law allows wankstains like the OP’s DP to opt out of being a responsible human by just refusing to get married. Nothing the OP can do about it. Often these pieces of crap also promise marriage to their partners, then change their minds. It’s easy to say just leave but once she had the kids, it wouldn’t have been easy and also she might not have wanted to break up their family. Having children with a cohabitating partner should lead to financial obligations to your partner, like it does in so many countries, including Scotland and Ireland.

Given that finances seem fairly comfortable for you right now staying in the relationship and stashing away money in pensions and isas in your name may be the better option (at least short term). You could then walk out on him when he needs you to help him in his old age.......

I've been with my dp for 15 years and we have kids. We're engaged but never got round to getting married, we might do one day!

But, our wills leave everything to each other trusting the other to provide for the dcs. Our pensions go to each other with a small provision for the dcs. life insurance goes to each other. I pay a higher % into my pension to try and keep our pensions somewhat level, we each have a s&s isa in our own names. We own the house as joint tenants and have a joint bank account so if we separate/die each will be OK.

I’ve seen a similar scenario where a long-term but disrespected female partner leaves and then within a few years the male partner beings back a young bride from Asia, who inherits the lot!

Life doesn’t always pan out the way you think, but I think it’s still better to make sure you, OP, have a roof over your head.

it would feel bad to say kids im* leaving your father because he won’t leave me anything in his will*

Why on earth would you say that?

You don't need to explain the real reasons. You can work out the best thing to say and stick to it. Explain when they are adults.

I wonder if he's been reading women-hating stuff online. He's sounds awful!

Yeah you wouldn’t but many adult kids would throw their mum out and this boy will have been raised by Mr Selfish Twat so who knows what his morals will be.

I’d be more concerned at dealing with a grouchy old man whose filter is lessening as he ages and taking care of him, when he doesn’t see her as a partner.

Totally get not marrying and therefore splitting assets on divorce. But he will be dead and as far as he’s concerned, she may as well be too.

Not necessarily, it depends what sort of trust it is.

Millions of women get married before they even consider starting a family for precisely this reason.

Why should a couple who have chosen to opt out of marriage be forced into a scenario where they have to support their partner indefinitely? It's ridiculous.

If you want that protection, go and get married or get a civil partnership down the registry office 🤷‍♀️

I'd suggest this. If he won't agree you need to plan to leave and house/support yourself - it will be difficult now but harder once you're older.