Elderly neighbour feeding our cat

[EdgarAllenRaven]

We moved to a new area just under a year ago, and our cat initially struggled to settle as the new house used to have a dog living in it. He kept going into the neighbours through her back door.

It turns out that she keeps her back doors open every day so she can feed the birds and squirrels. She is an elderly widow.

However, now our cat barely comes home at all. I have been getting increasingly upset, distressed and furious, have sent her many messages asking her not to encourage our cat to go in.

She says she feels like a prisoner in her house if she closes her doors! Now I noticed she even has a litter tray!

She says she doesn’t feed him, but I’m pretty sure she must be as he is a huge Maine Coon and is no longer eating the same amount here. He seems to pop in here just to eat once in the morning and once in the evening, other than that I rarely see him.

What can I do? AIBU to send a formal letter?
I’ve told her in person how upset my kids are, they miss their cat. We’ve had countless conversations and text messages, she always blames the cat for rushing in!

This is why my cats are indoor cats. I used to volunteer for a cat shelter and it got a bit uncomfortable the way people would ‘rescue’ supposedly fed, healthy cats, going quiet when people suggested asking a vet to look for a chip…I do believe that cats in need will often find a home, hence the ‘cat distribution system’ thing but this set up with your neighbour is not on

Niceness will fix this where Having A Shouty Go won’t.

Lure kitty back in with treats. Be charming to adorable old lady who is lovely. She and kitty love each other.

Hint: look, no offence, but you’re the problem. If kitty had wanted to stay with you, he would. He has found the home he enjoys.

A neighbours escaped rabbit? I’d return it first time and ask them to keep a better eye on it. I’d assume it had escaped a run and someone was missing it. (Unlike cats which owners kick out and expect they will roam into other peoples property, but don’t seem to give a shit).

A wild rabbit - wouldn’t happen. I’ve lived in the countryside since 1982. Left my doors open all day. A wild rabbit isn’t coming into the house.

I’m sorry I wouldn’t be over the moon at your ‘fur-baby’ entering my home when I don’t have any pets myself because I pride myself on my clean and hygiene house. It’s been 15 years nearly since I last had a cat and I have no desire for any visiting now.

And I’m sorry I have a low tolerance for entitled cat owners who claim to not be able to do anything about their animal.

I’ve always lived by the rule, I’ll ask nicely once.

I pride myself on my clean and hygiene house

Ah. You're one of those people.

Although was your house dirty and unhygienic during the "many years" you had cats?

Thankfully most of us don’t have menfolk willing to or capable of doing what you suggest.
Poor you, you appear to be surrounded by thuggish arseholes.

True. But it can be a stage of appropriating someone’s cat.

No, but it was mighty hard to maintain to a standard that was acceptable to me, especially as I was working full time. I was cleaning around the clock and it was the main reason why in the end I gave my animals away. I just found that cat hair, litter trays and the need for scratch posts were not appealing to me in the end.

At first I tried to limit the cats to a converted garage room and an outdoor catio. That way I could confine anything undesirable to a small area. This was fine for a while, and the cats weren’t allowed into any other part of the home. But then after a while I thought what’s the point in having them? It’s not like we’d have them on our laps or anything. I was being selfish to the cats, keeping them as an attraction rather than a loved pet. It took some time, but my husband agreed they’d have better lives elsewhere. So that’s what we did and we’ve not had a single pet since and it’s wonderful.

Thanks to everyone for your replies.

I wanted to mention that we also have an elderly cat, who also disappeared into the neighbours house for the first half of this year… when I told her he actually WAS ill and NEEDS a special diet and medication, he suddenly stopped going there and now lives backs with us!
So there is definitely something more devious going on.

Anyway, I have been inspired by you to launch Operation Get Cat Back! Went to a pet shop with my 9 year old today and bought lot of new cat toys, a scratcher, cat nip and fancy treats and posh food!
So fingers crossed we can coax him back (and we will be shutting him in overnight).

To those of you who feed your neighbours’ cats - PLEASE DON’T. The do not “choose you”. They go where they are fed. It causes so much distress and it is stealing.

Good luck, OP. I completely agree it’s stealing and is a heartless thing to do, whatever the age of the thief. Perhaps this cat could also have some kind of medical issue that’s being worsened by your neighbour? Maybe the threat of a vet bill would make her back off?

It really pisses me off 😡 If she wants a cat, she can get her own.

depends what the OP means by elderly

My parents, and now as I get older I'm noticing it with friends who are a bit older than me, don't get a pet when a much loved one dies because they are scared about what will happen to the cat/dog should the owner pre-decease them, even when they've been committed pet lovers all their life. This often happens after their partner has died and they would benefit even more from the companionship of a pet - it's terribly sad.

I feel for you OP, but at least you still get to see him.

Good luck OP.

If that doesn't work, I think ab earlier suggestion of getting him a camera collar is a good one. I expect he'll soon stop finding his way into her home and/or being fed if she thinks she is being filmed.

My neighbour’s cat comes in all the time. They are fine with it because I never feed him. When he wants to leave, I let him out. I never allow him to stay overnight.

The cat’s owner works shifts; she says she’d rather he was in somewhere where he is safe. If she wants him, all she has to do is text me and I’ll send him home.

I love him as much as she does. I’m so lucky that the arrangement works for both of us.

She's not going to stop, there's nothing you can do about her behaviour. So it doesn't actually matter if she is right or wrong, only what you can do to change matters.

As you can't change her approach, perhaps you can change your own. Keep your cat indoors for a while perhaps? Or build the cat a run?

We had this, our boy was trotting over the road to the elderly lady...now he's disappeared totally, because someone else has done the same but we don't know where is is...the old lady was upset as she said she loved him...not seeing the irony..

You just don't get it do you op?
You've neglected your cat (you admitted this by saying you've now gone out and bought him toys and intend to play with him) and now the cat is going somewhere else for love and attention you don't like it.
Keep your cat on your own property.
You have the power to solve this problem without sending your thug of a husband round to threaten an old lady with Violence

The other option would be an invisible fence/electric shock collar system.
https://cats.com/best-invisible-fences-for-cats

I'm not sure how you'd get the neighbor to wear it, though.

We had a cat who, six years ago went to live with an elderly couple. The cat was much loved, well fed and spoiled rotten. The couple lived in a quiet culdesac behind us. I can see the house. I saw my cat going in and out.

We tried to woo her back but it was pointless. She’d decided.

It started a lovely friendship for me with the couple. Two years ago, the husband died. I visit my 94 yr old friend every week. I see the cat. The lady has had such an interesting life and is active and an absolute hoot! She grew up in Vienna, remembers the arrival of the Germans, then survived in the woods when driven from her home as a teenager, by the Russian army.

Sometimes, cats just choose. You might try to keep your cat in for a few weeks (as we did) but it didn’t work. She always went “home” to the old couple.

What you cannot do is be cross that your cat has a new pad. It’s just an animal. You also can’t tell the lady what to do/feed the birds etc.

What!!!!???

You definitely can’t do ANY of that!

Our cat went missing for years.
We found him then spotted him ( with a different name ) sitting on someone’s sofa in a picture saying some random local person had lost their cat! That’s our cat!
petsreunited website

they noted
Age….unknown
Chipped….unknown

Obviously they don’t know this stuff they basically stole our cat!

I did find out who they were and we had put flyers in their door and posters on their street when he went missing over many months

On petsreunited I posted a message asking people to not feed other peoples cats and definitely to not steal them.

It’s a nasty thing to do !!

Yes OP someone needs to tell your neighbour to stop!
Tell them your cat is on a special diet and them not conforming to this are basically killing them. I’d mention vet bills too. Your neighbour isn’t invested in their health and well-being

I’d tell them this too.

My neighbours very elderly cat comes to my house. I dont mind abd they don't mind. They have 6 cats and no cat flap I think he comes for peace and quiet. I dont feed him.

One of their other cats though, has also decided to start visiting. It's an entire Tom, breaks through the locked cat flap and sprays everywhere. It's a bloody pain in the atse.

Get the fencing to cat proof your garden so he can't go?

LOL

I could have written this 5 yrs ago, when we moved to our new home.

OP, today my husband and I enjoy weeklong vacations BECAUSE our friendly elderly cat neighbor (who adores our cats), looks after them for us.

Your cat loves you, so please try not to worry about it. I used to get so flustered then I realized that our neighbors house just had more critters around because she also fed squirrels, birds, raccoons, a skunk… the cats love it.