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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Elderly neighbour feeding our cat

163 replies

EdgarAllenRaven · 03/11/2024 01:07

We moved to a new area just under a year ago, and our cat initially struggled to settle as the new house used to have a dog living in it. He kept going into the neighbours through her back door.

It turns out that she keeps her back doors open every day so she can feed the birds and squirrels. She is an elderly widow.

However, now our cat barely comes home at all. I have been getting increasingly upset, distressed and furious, have sent her many messages asking her not to encourage our cat to go in.

She says she feels like a prisoner in her house if she closes her doors! Now I noticed she even has a litter tray!

She says she doesn’t feed him, but I’m pretty sure she must be as he is a huge Maine Coon and is no longer eating the same amount here. He seems to pop in here just to eat once in the morning and once in the evening, other than that I rarely see him.

What can I do? AIBU to send a formal letter?
I’ve told her in person how upset my kids are, they miss their cat. We’ve had countless conversations and text messages, she always blames the cat for rushing in!

OP posts:
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8
Ponderingwindow · 03/11/2024 02:02

Supervise your cat and you won’t have to risk him being stolen, lost, or injured.

WhichEllie · 03/11/2024 02:07

EdgarAllenRaven · 03/11/2024 01:46

Thanks all for the advice, I will keep him in and buy nicer food!

Look into cat proofing your garden as well. You can have rollers installed so that when he jumps up he falls back into your garden, or have netting attached that will keep him from jumping over. That way he’s secure and you know where he is.

Elderly neighbour feeding our cat
Elderly neighbour feeding our cat
Elderly neighbour feeding our cat
Elderly neighbour feeding our cat
hellywelly3 · 03/11/2024 02:19

There’s nothing you can do to stop her. Your best bet is keep your cat in. Our last cat and our neighbours cat lived between our two houses. They just loved each others company so even if she got her own it might not stop it.

marmamumma · 03/11/2024 02:28

Keep him in and get a catrun. Do not let him out after dinner, put him in your daughters room. Buy a litter tray for the garage/laundry wherever. Would he accept a lead? Some do, you could walk him around your garden in the sun. The fence covers posted by pp look great.

Reserved101 · 03/11/2024 02:37

I don't know much about them, but I believe you can buy collars that have cameras on them - not only will that answer if she's feeding them but she might think twice about letting him in if he's filming her.

abracadabra1980 · 03/11/2024 03:31

This also happened to me! infuriating! Up your game with the food - tuna?
Tell her if she doesn't stop you'll start legal proceedings. May shock her into the reality of what she's doing. Good luck

ForGreyKoala · 03/11/2024 03:34

Janedoe82 · 03/11/2024 01:10

Cats choose their owner. They have zero loyalty and don’t give a F. Be grateful he pops in

Yep, one of mine moved in with a neighbour and only came home for food. He was happy, so I was happy.

Flopsythebunny · 03/11/2024 03:42

If you don't like it, keep your cat in or cat proof your garden so that he can't get out of it.

Flopsythebunny · 03/11/2024 03:44

abracadabra1980 · 03/11/2024 03:31

This also happened to me! infuriating! Up your game with the food - tuna?
Tell her if she doesn't stop you'll start legal proceedings. May shock her into the reality of what she's doing. Good luck

Don't be ridiculous. The neighbour hasn't done anything illegal.
If you choose to let your car roam, its your own hard luck if he chooses a better home

OldTinHat · 03/11/2024 03:52

I'm extremely allergic to cats and have had to stop keeping windows open at the back because a neighbour's cat has taken to hopping in and sleeping on my beds. I still leave my back door open, though, and I'll suddenly find the cat strolling about in my lounge.

I've rehomed a dog recently. I've not seen the cat since...fingers crossed!

Reserved101 · 03/11/2024 03:56

Flopsythebunny · 03/11/2024 03:44

Don't be ridiculous. The neighbour hasn't done anything illegal.
If you choose to let your car roam, its your own hard luck if he chooses a better home

She hasn't done anything illegal as of yet (and perhaps never will) but cats are legally the property of their owners, so it isn't as simple as "cats choose their own home".

Also, a home that gives cats more enticing food (if that is indeed what is going on) is not necessarily a better one.

Chocolatestrawberry123 · 03/11/2024 04:41

Cats always go where the 'better offer' is, so while it's unfortunate for you that your cat clearly enjoys going off to the neighbours, I don't think it's fair to make him stay in and start cat proofing your garden, as although it'll make you happier, your cat will be miserable.
You could make something up and ask the neighbour to not feed him under any circumstances, as he's on a special diet, she'll probably listen to that and hopefully he'll spend more time back home.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 03/11/2024 05:04

You can’t make her close the door but you can ask her firmly never to feed him and to put him out whenever she closes her door eg at night. You could say that feeding the cat or shutting him in is theft.
also you could make friends with her so she is more likely to sympathise. She’s probably lonely.

OtterlyMad · 03/11/2024 06:52

Imagine the situation was reversed - that your neighbour was annoyed that your cat kept going into her house, sleeping on her bed, etc. and your neighbour had asked you to do something about it. What would your response be? If you would say “sorry it’s a cat so it just goes where it wants, there’s not much I can do about it” then you have your answer.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 03/11/2024 07:19

I have a cat that visits. I do nothing to encourage ihim we have no interaction at all but he sneaks in and I find him strolling downstairs. I like cats so I don't shout at him or anything but I have never fed him or petted him in anyway. I don't even know which bedroom he is sleeping in but it's definitely not mine.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 03/11/2024 07:25

We acquired a neighbours cat. It moved in for 10 happy years. When myself and my siblings all left home, that cat took itself back to its original house, which was now occupied by a new owner, and made herself at home there for the rest of her days. They definitely do make their own choices!

Londonrach1 · 03/11/2024 07:31

Yabu. Keep your cat in and stop it bothering your neighbours.

Startingagainandagain · 03/11/2024 07:40

If the cat is an outdoor cat, he can choose to go wherever he wants...

I have my own cat, but my neighbour's cat started to get into my house from the day I moved in.

He enjoys playing with my cat, likes sleeping in my garden, drinks in my pond and comes into the house every time I open a door or window to help himself to any food my cat leaves and play with her toys. I even found him under my bed a couple of times.

He still goes into into his own home of course but spends a lot of time in mine!

I can't shut all my doors and windows all the time to keep the cat out. My own cat also needs to be able to go in and out of my house.

I think your elderly neighbour is probably lonely and enjoy your cat's visits. She is perfectly entitled to open her own doors and windows whenever she likes.

Your only solutions are to build a cat or cat proof your garden so he can't get out of your property.

MellowPanda · 03/11/2024 07:43

MopTopInAHop · 03/11/2024 01:22

Keep the cat inside, at least for a few weeks.

This op. It is the only way unfortunately.

liverpudcounsel · 03/11/2024 07:45

If the cat is unwell it will be you taking her to the vet and paying for it. I don’t think she should be feeding her as you don’t know what she has had and when. You could keep her in for a few weeks but she will have to go back out again.
Talk to your neighbour, invite her round for tea, let her see your cat as cat clearly wants to, but I would say the only rule would be no feeding. If she really wants to then to drop it around to you do that you can monitor what she’s eating.

BrightLightTonight · 03/11/2024 07:46

Make a catio in your garden so he can go out, but still stays in your garden.

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/11/2024 07:47

You can't ask her to keep her door closed, you can close yours and keep the cat in.

The litter tray may be an attempt to keep the cat shit in one place if your cat shits in her garden.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 03/11/2024 07:47

Could you get an 'Hannibal Lector' type mask for you cat? At least it would stop him eating next door.

Something like this?

Elderly neighbour feeding our cat
Pleasebeafleabite · 03/11/2024 07:48

Anyone who’s “accidentally” got this happening to them. For fucks sake put the cat outside it’s not yours.

There a very simple way of dealing with this OP but it’s not very pleasant. Just send your DH DB etc round to warn her off in a threatening manner. Everyone on here will be horrified but I guarantee she’ll leave your cat alone after that

Startingagainandagain · 03/11/2024 08:03

'@Pleasebeafleabite · Today 07:48

Anyone who’s “accidentally” got this happening to them. For fucks sake put the cat outside it’s not yours.
There a very simple way of dealing with this OP but it’s not very pleasant. Just send your DH DB etc round to warn her off in a threatening manner. Everyone on here will be horrified but I guarantee she’ll leave your cat alone after that'

Are you for real?

You are really suggesting that the OP sends a male relative to threaten an elderly neighbour?

Is that how you deal with conflict?

Good luck with staying out of jail with that attitude...because I would get anyone who came to my own house to threaten me immediately arrested.

Also you sound like you have never owned a cat. They go wherever they want and 'putting the cat outside' does not mean he is not going to get back in the first chance he's got.

What a bizarre reply...

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