Need a hand hold part 2

[Imbluedalale]

Hi it’s Laura ,
Just wanted to add a new thread as I think my other thread is getting full xx

Hi @nornironlady , thanks for the advice . I’ll have a look at Martin Lewis .
Ohhh your cocktail sounds lovely and the bar sounds lovely and cosy. I’d love to be able to make cocktails at home although it’s probably a good thing I can’t 😂
Was you lucky enough to have your curry tonight?xx

Hi @Munchyseeds2 , I couldn’t stop laughing when I read it so thought I’d share with all you spoonies. How’s your evening ?
Stomping Pete is back and well let’s just say he’s making up for lost time. Might have to set string cord thing off in bathroom to drown out the noise 😂
Awww that’s so lovely to say , thank you so much. I’ll add that to my list of good things about me that all you lovely MN’s have said over the two threads. It’s getting a long list now.
Last night I couldn’t sleep so was reading some of my first thread and it made me sob . That Tuesday a few weeks ago I was reading that because my head was a shed that day. It made me feel really sad that I had so so much support that day from you all and that I had worried you all. It made me think that all of you on here are so so special to me and that you all care about me and you’re all still here. I was updating my mental health worker about this thread today and she thinks it’s absolutely lovely how we have all come together through such a dark time and now we are celebrating the wins together xx

Hi @spoonfulofmustard , I’m just sat on Sunday having a cup of tea as my signal not working in hotel. How’s your evening going?
Omg I can’t believe I have only 4 more sleeps to go it doesn’t feel real!xx

I'm having a glass of wine trying to navigate a somewhat amusing (on my side because it's typical behaviour) conversation with my dad. You love them but honestly they drive you up the wall sometimes! make sure you find out what providers you have access to at the new place as not everyone is everywhere (I'm praying hyperoptic go in before my virgin contract is up next year) x

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣Sounds like a fun evening @spoonfulofmustard . I hope you enjoy your wine. Do you drink red or white?
Im just looking at internet options now, it looks like a minefield!😂x

@Imbluedalale yes the curry was ready when I got home. I had rice and chips! Did you have a cookie while you were having the tea?

Ohhhh sounds lovely @nornironlady . Was they oven chips or home made?
Yes I had a rainbow cookie with my cuppa , I just don’t like the smell of subway it’s puts me right off although not enough to not have a cookie xx

@Imbluedalale they were horrible skinny oven chips 😂 I'm not a big chip person but I like a few with curry. I know what you mean about the smell. It can be a bit much. There's a subway I pass on way to work within a larger building so it's unavoidable when they have the oven on at 7.30am.

What a pain not having the internet working Laura, but at least it gave you a reason to get out and have a cookie and cup of tea. Hope stompy Pete doesn’t disturb you too much. You won’t have to listen to him soon as you will be in your beautiful home, doing your washing and cooking dinner, safe and secure in your new house 🥳

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Ah, I’m sorry you felt so sad reading your first thread but it shows how far you’ve come and how proud of yourself you should be, we are all proud of you! I feel really grateful to be able to celebrate all the wins with you and so happy that you’ve made it through the worst although I know it is still all be tough and a rollercoaster, you’re getting through day by day or hour by hour probably at times. You’re so positive and lovely and just doing incredibly well.

Oh no stompy Pete 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️. Hope he restricts his stomping to non sleep hours at least.

id work out what provider you want to go for with WiFi then give them a ring and see how long wait times are and if you can book now.

@nornironlady your curry with chips and rice and also the cocktail sounds amazing.

@Apolloneuro i can’t remember if I said before but your new coat is gorgeous, love the green.

Ive had a bit of a manic day off 🤪. Looking forward to bed in a min!

Hi everyone! Just catching up. @Apolloneuro I love that a random kind lady promoted you to buy the lovely green coat, and I hope it starts to make up for the mean lady when you were little. We used to have those school uniform vouchers too and spent them in nice old fashioned shop near us where you had to ask for what you wanted and it was all piled away in boxes & drawers. Long after most shops had given up on that system and had everything on display.

@Imbluedalale lovely to hear all your news and great that your parents are helping with beds, it will be lovely to have brand new ones. All other furniture is absolutely fine second hand but new beds for you all is a lovely thought from them.

Oh and yesterday I went to a big M&S to try Black Tulip I was so intrigued. Perfume never seems to last on me but I could still smell it faintly on my wrists in the evening, and I liked it a lot. I think I’ll put it on my Christmas list. And every time I wear it I will think about the power of lovely women supporting lovely women, and think of you warm and safe in your fabulous new home.

Oh I love chips especially the seaside ones
and the best chips at fast food are from Burger King . My mum does her chips in the air fryer , haven’t tried them like that yet. Bet your curry was gorgeous. I’ve had one plain ham sandwich from there other week and I was very disappointed in it xx

Hi @AdmittowearingCrocs . How’s your day going? Or I should say evening now.
Ive managed to get internet sorted and you get the Disney channel free with it . The 4 months is free and then after it goes to £24. They can’t come until next Friday but that will be ok won’t have to wait too long . I’m baffling myself this afternoon and nearly went to reception and asked , how’s stompy Pete got the exact same as last week?
Oh when you it like that I makes more excited xx

Hi, I'm rather late to your story Laura and I haven't read everything from your two threads but can I say just the first thing that hits me is WOW. You have made such massive progress in quite a short space of time. You should be so so incredibly proud of yourself for turning it around and putting your life back together. You are sounding happy, excited for the future, determined, resourceful and taken on challenges you'd never have been able to before.

I won't talk much about "he who shall not be named" because he's not worth it. Just to remind you that when you have the bad days and the insidious voice sneaks in like the skunk fart that it is, remember he spent years carefully crafting the weak victim he could control and convince they deserved whatever abuse he felt like. It's going to take time for you to get to a place where you truly understand that it's not you anymore. You are already taking the first steps into Laura the survivor, who knows who she is and what she's worth. You will love yourself and see what we, a bunch of random MNers can see, without having met you. A proud, strong woman who fights for her kids like the fierce warrior she has to be.

I'm so happy to hear that you are getting support from your parents and they have seen for themselves that your ex can't keep his halo in place. Abusers thrive in darkness and secrecy, that's why they isolate their victims from any form of support. Being able to be open and honest about what happened will allow your Mum and Dad to start to understand a little bit, but also be prepared for the things that they don't quite get. Until you are there or close to someone who has a similar experience, it can be quite confusing for them. Lots of people think, it can't happen to me. It's only people who are weak or have mental health problems who get abused. They can't understand why someone can still love someone who is cruel and tortures them. All of that is absolutely not true of course but it needs to be seen to be understood and they haven't seen it.

It's wonderful to see that you are starting to rebuild your relationship with your kids too. They are always going to love you and you are showing them all just how much you love them by being so resilient. I'm sure they are going to eventually see your ex for what he is and in some ways with them being older, he's going to have less and less say over them as they will be old enough to decide for themselves. At the moment however, they are reliant on him so will be walking the eggshell dance. Try to forgive them when you don't get the response from them you'd like, it's a difficult thing for them to negotiate. Especially with Mr Skunk wafting his poisonous stink around the place.

You will get through this and so will they. You will get to the beautiful smelling house, full of laughter and hugs, with a glittery tree full of spoon ornaments. You will gain friendship and support from many people and be able to like what you see in the mirror.

Nobody will ever again be able to make you think that you deserve it and you will be able to tell the next person who is taking the first step to get out, that yes it's possible. Not just possible but it's imperative and the future is so much better than they can conceive at the moment.

Sending so much love to you and your kids. Keep on being awesome xxx

Hi@RaspberryBeretxx , I’m settled in bed too i took one for my new sleeping tablets about 20 mins ago and everything feels weird . My phone looks all bent and the letters and numbers all are crawling out all over the phone !tThe mirror in the room looked like it’s going to crawl out of his on the wall. I think I need to go ti bed and shut my eyes until morning. Goodnight Spoonies xxxxx

Hi @RaspberryBeretxx , have I ever told you I love your MN stage name.? I love raspberries and I love berets too . It’s a great name.
What made me more sad reading them was on the posts of you put on there and the support and the fact that one of you called the crisis house aa d asked where I was which im so appreciative for . I was laid in this hotel bed early hours the next morning feeling completely broken and that nobody cares that I was poorly and on the streets and not be able to walk far with a crutch and suitcase . I felt like nothing just that I was a body but nothing in there . So to come out of that and read the posts from that day and day after I juat made me feel so loved and liked and cared for . Your honestly all amazing women on here and your all so special to me I’ve never had anything like this before and I really do love it . So thank you so much spoonies , your all the best xx

RE Stompy Pete I’m baffled as to got he’s got in the exact same room other me ? Can’t they put him somewhere else like round down the other end of the corridor or something?Might have to be a headphones sleep tonight but don’t like sleeping on back so it’ll be an uncomfortable night 😂

I went on internet to look for broadband and a lot of them like sky/talk talk and that hydroxide one don’t do my postcode but managed to get it with virgin and you get Disney channels on for free too for 3 months. And it was free set up /etc and no payments for 4 months and then it’s £25.99 after then xx

Hi B@Meanwhile33 , how was your day?good I hope. Least it’s Friday tomorrow.
Yes I can’t wait to be layed in mine this time next week .
Oh I’m so please you managed to find the black tulip it smells Devine doesn’t it . Definitely put it on your list . You have either get from M&S, Shay & Blue itself , asos, beauty bay, QVC, All beauty
and fragrance direct .
We’ll all be wearing it soon , well we have to smell nice whilst we are waving our spoons 🥄 😂xx

Hello @BeNavyCrab , How are you this evening?
Thank you for posting on my thread.
Awww that’s so lovely of you to write such lovely words about me , thank you so much.
I think what helped massively for me was the grey rock method it really worked even before I had to leave . A lot of relationship councillors always advise that when you walk away, don’t look back just keep walking and never contact them again and it does really work obviously if you had younger children that would be harder . But the more space between you the easier it gets .
It’s the little things you tend to forget who’s are for some reason floating around my mind lately not the big things. Like when we used to always go to Tesco I always liked and got the tipptree raspberry jam for toast before work but then one day he said no we’ll get this one today for a change and so I just thought that’s fine we can try that one , but then he was doing all the time with the things I liked and because he seemed to be happy doing it I just left it . A few months later I was cleaning out all kitchen cupboards and there was stuff in there that he had picked from something I had to put back and I asked him why hadn’t he had any of them and he said he actually didn’t want any of them he just likes the control of taking something that was for me to change it to something else .
It’s just mind games xx
Uh your so so right on them thriving to be the good guy to everyone else , that’s the reason he kept ringing my parents about me then few days later would casually say to me ‘oh I rang your mum and your dad and told them your playing up’ He didn’t mention to them that I was throwing up every 20 mins from the cancer treatment so I went to sit outside. When I walked back in he was on phone to his mate and I couldn’t make it to toilet in time and it wouldn’t stop. Went all over room carpet . He carried on the phone without a care in the world the as im still being sick he said to his mate on phone ‘1 min pal’ and I thought he’d start helping me but no he came right up to my ear and said makes sure all that’s clean in the next 10 mins . So I had to get another bowl to be sick in and clean it up from the other bowl . I’ve never felt as ill doing that

You’re so right about not letting things my kids say hey to me or their lack of reactions . My daughter keeps saying ‘are you ready for your new house’ and it hurts me because she doesn’t see it as her house but from advice I’ve taken on here I’m not going to push her , so ive taken a step back . Youngest said he’s happy to do 50/50 but he did say that what he really wanted was to be a big happy family again , I said we will be a happy family and you’ll have a happy family at your dads too. It’ll just be a different family but still happy .
Also exs mum and sister live next door and they’ve always been really interfering and loud and brash so they will be feeding children all sorts too and trying to get them to stay there. They think they are above the law too .

Thank you so much for your lovely post.xx

You are so right, it's all mine games and control. I lost my first best friend to an abuser who ended up killing her.
Many years later I met another great friend who had a daughter the same age as my son. We became close and I started to see some of the same anxiety in her that my best friend had had. To the rest of the world, the husband was a lovely professional person in a caring profession.They had moved country so my friend didn't have any family or many friends. I found it hard but I started talking with her about the way she was feeling always on edge and never able to do anything right for him. She would be terrified of not being home on time with his lunch made for him. He would hide it, if I was visiting but he would still complain about stupid things, like having the wrong salt etc. She would have many sick days and come out with thick long sleeve jumpers and roll necks to cover up bruises. She thought it was her fault for being a bad wife and not learning well enough. It was so hard to make her understand that nobody deserves it. She ended up fleeing him in the middle of the night and coming to us. Of course, he ended up talking (threatening) her home but she had started to understand what was happening wasn't her fault or normal. They moved back to their home country but I kept in touch with her. One night, he tried to strangle her but she managed to flee. In a similar way, lots of people who knew them thought she'd abandoned her kids. This was a narrative he happily spread, that and she was unstable.
It's many many years ago now but she's got a job she loves, her kids have a brilliant relationship with her and she's married to someone who treats her well.

Kids are always going to want their family "together" but they also want their parents to be healthy and happy. Your youngest is pining for a fantasy that unfortunately didn't exist. He was soon come to terms with the new family dynamic, especially when he sees that you are happy and settled. I can't imagine how difficult having so many of his family living right next to you was. 😬 That pressure of them being against you and always being under the eyes would have been oppressive.

It's going to be a fair few years of grey rock ahead because despite what you have been subjected to, you have to try not to bad mouth your ex to your kids. Just one word of caution though, stay vigilant with your daughter. Some abusers will change the object to another female. I hope to goidness it never happens and that he continues to be a good Dad, but just be mindful that a change in behaviour might not just be because of the breakup.

Wow what an amazing strong woman your friend is, I feel so proud of her and I’m so glad she is happily married now.
Im so sorry to hear about your best friend , my real dad used to beat my mum up and he locked us 6 kids up in a little room and we could just hear my mum screaming. My real dad was an alcoholic. He used to beat her with the steel rod he used to to stroke the fire with . Lots of times we had to go to a refuge house which bizarrely was right round corner from where we lived but I was so young 6/7 I used to love going there as they had a huge park in the garden and lots of people to play with . One year on Christmas Day my real dad bought us all little bikes with bells and tasles on and we loved them . But my dad then said right inside go wash your hands. When we went back out all the bikes were gone , he’d sold them all to get drink money. He passes away in 2013 from a fall after being drink. After my mum took him to court and got him kicked out the home whilst he was in jail we had our windows smashed in every week for months until we had about a year of just having them boarded up . But my real dad has same traits ex did , people pleaser to anyone and that everybody has got to think what an amazing guy he is xx

What do you mean?That he might start hurting daughter??xx

I don't want to alarm you but it is possible for him to start being controlling towards her. I'm hoping not, because of his emotional bond as a parent but there are some right pieces of shit who use the kids as weapons. The mentality of "If I can't control my wife, I will control the next best thing, the daughter". It is rare to happen but just be aware of the possibility

Ok Thanku for letting me know, I will try and keep an eye on it . Hopefully once she sees her bedroom and new bed she will want to stay more with me xx