To expect some basic manners from children?

[vickidoodah]

Twice in the last 24 hours kids have been unfriendly and not corrected by their parents.

1. looked after DC (8) class mate all day. Parent arrives to collect them and child is rude to parent then refuses to thank us or return to say goodbye after walking out without saying anything. Parent rolls eyes and says child is tired.
2. meet up with friend and their 2 children. I say hi to them and her DC 9 looks at me and otherwise ignores me. I raise eyebrow to friend who says they need to warm up and will be fine in about 20mins.

AIBU to think the parents are not helping their children by excusing this rude behaviour? All children NT.

That’s a sweeping statement if ever I saw one! So don’t expect impeccable manners like a boomer and don’t listen to your child and explain why their actions have consequences, and have an open dialogue (not all millennials give their kids screens) like a millennial? So what’s your nugget of gen X parenting wisdom then? Cos clearly only gen Xs can parent apparently…

The advice for SM treatment is NOT to speak for the child if possible, and instead to implement a slew of methods from a young age before the SM becomes entrenched. Can I ask what age you overcame the SM?

Please, everyone on this thread, familiarise yourself with Selective Mutism. The SMIRA web site is a good resource, but there are others if you google. SM is a neurological difference in the same way as dyslexia, adhd and autism. It affects approx 1 in 140 children, yet there is a complete lack of awareness of this condition, with friends and family deeming the child rude at worst or shy at best. It isn’t due to bad parenting or bad character - it’s a true difference in the brain!

The difficulty for parents is that the child will talk quite typically at home and if it’s ’low level’ the child will also talk typically with same age familiar children at primary school. Parents can be quite unaware of how bad things are. It needs a clued up teacher to point out that the child can only whisper or use other forms of communication with adults at the school (nodding/shake of head).

It would also be great if parent’s friends, extended family and any adult the child comes into contact with, could politely point out that there is a condition called Selective Mutism that they could take a look at, with a treatment protocol to follow. What we don’t want is for these children to be missed and enter Year 4 and above having received no treatment. The prognosis at high school can be absolutely horrendous - school refusal, depression, generalised anxiety etc.

Can I also just say, for parents of SM children, the look of disgust and judgement that is received when our children can’t reach societal expectations of confidence and good manners (no matter the sheer amount of work we’ve put in behind the scenes over many years) is absolutely devastating for us. If 1 in 140 children have SM, I am certain many on this thread have encountered an SM child. Please try to be aware of differences and educate yourself about them.

Yes it amazes me that, with 1 in 140 kids suffering from SM that many people have never even heard of it. More education around it is needed definitely.

I grew out of my SM by the time I was about 7, which is the case for a lot of children- although not all, as you mentioned about the effects in later childhood. It was worst when I started reception (born end Aug so I was only just 4) as there was suddenly a lot of expectation for more formal speaking to adults - like reading at the teacher’s desk, answering questions in front of the class, asking school dinner staff what I wanted for lunch. For a 4 yo with SM it was absolutely terrifying! Nursery was a lot more informal & I don’t remember much expectation to speak to staff and I remember being much happier there. I don’t remember ever being happy in reception, all I remember is fear, shame and utter terror. Not overestimating. I used to wet myself frequently as I was unable to ask to go to the toilet, and I’d often fake illness to get days off. I was incredibly clingy with my mum and would bawl my eyes out every morning when she left.

My memories around this time are unusually clear, probably because it was traumatic. My mum told me years later that my reception teacher suggested to her that I see a child psychologist. She was not impressed with this and told her where to go. Wish she had listened.

Yes I grew out of it fairly young but I remained shy with adults until my teens. I graduated from being unable to speak to giving one word, mumbling answers. As an adult I’m very outgoing and I don’t think anyone would describe me as shy, and many people have told me I’m good at putting people at ease. It’s nice to hear this after 20 years of being called shy but I do still secretly feel uncomfortable and anxious around people until I know them really well. Just learnt to hide it.

I’m lucky I grew out of SM naturally, however the way I was treated and how it was handled has genuinely left me with a bit of lifelong trauma

@chocolaterevels meant to quote you above