For getting rid of my chinese name

[TheLoyalWriter]

I moved to the UK from China with family as a teen and have lived there since. When I got married I changed my surname into my husband's and got rid of my Chinese name on my birth certificate and gave myself a middle name. It is mostly because my parents used our Chinese heritage as an excuse to bully and control me when I was younger. None of my kids will have a foreign name from my home country and will be raised British. AIBU? My family is very not pleased about it.

Speaking as a BBC myself, I often wish I had an English name to make things "easier", but why should I be forced to adapt and anglicise my birth name to fit in? It's part of my heritage and I am not ashamed of being Chinese.

My parents would often say "You're Chinese so you should....", similar to how your parents are using your heritage to bully you. Rather than erasing it, reclaim it. Your children will not thank you for keeping that part of their heritage away from them.

It does sound like you're only removing all traces of being Chinese to spite your parents which is why I voted YABU. YANBU to be upset with them or to choose English names otherwise.

Your children will be British citizens but what do you think others see if they meet them the first time?

This isn't something I've been personally affected by but I agree with pp about reclaiming this for yourself and your children if you can find a healthy way to do so. Obviously at the end of the day this is your choice- it's your name- but there's something about owning the fact that you've overcome difficulties in your journey under this name. It's part of your identity warts and all, and while I understand wanting to distance yourself in some way that's probably more about wanting to distance yourself from the hurt and control you faced from your parents. So my advice would be to get support to deal with that part and reclaim the rest for yourself. To me it's important that children learn about their heritage so it's something they can be proud of.

My name is now completely western, and I'm not doing it to fit in. Rather, I feel like the general culture is nicer and I do want to cut ties with my family eventually. My children will be half British so will not look conventionally Asian.

It’s entirely your decision.

Hmmm 🤔
I mean if it's what you want, go for it. It just screams a bit 'self-hater'-ish (and I'm sure there will be some denial there) but ultimately, it's your life.

Your children may grow up wanting to reclaim their Chinese heritage though as their mum is ethnically Chinese regardless of namechange. As long as you don't poison their minds against it while they're young, you can raise them how you want.

That is your choice of course op.

Yes, your children won't look conventionally Asian, as mine don't either, but they will want to know about their Chinese heritage at some point.

When people meet you for the first time, what do you usually say when they ask the inevitable "Where are you from?" Or the dreaded "Where are you really from?"

Will you really deny that you're Chinese?

Name them whatever you like, but will you speak Chinese to them?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · Today 11:02
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Name them whatever you like, but will you speak Chinese to them?

Very good point. Being bilingual can only be beneficial.

Also genetics is funny. You can never really tell how your children will look. You may want them to not look conventionally of Asian heritage but they may do so.

They are half British though so even if they look more like me they wouldn't look 100% Asian.

I know two Chinese women, born in Uk to Chinese parents. They both have British names. And have married British men. They both have British names kids .

they also enjoy celebrating some Chinese holidays, and eating Chinese food.
they also don’t hate their parents and don’t hate being recognised as being of Chinese heritage. But they are as British as I am ( northern and southern European parents)

in summary .
so what you wish, hold on to your heritage in the way you wish .
i don’t speak either of my parents languages.
and think of my self as a Londoner.

If you are happier that way then you're absolutely reasonable to do it. Don't care about what anyone else might think. Ofcourse your children will know that their mum is from China, so what. They live in the UK so will feel 100% British and they might not even be intetested in your origins. I'm from another European country but my children are not interested at all. One is fan of Japanese culture because of mangas and would love to go to there. So don't spend too much time thinking about it, they might not even be interested.

You don't know that. One of my aunts is half-Chinese and looks mixed. Two of my cousins are also half-Chinese and look entirely Chinese. Of their children who are a quarter Chinese 2 of them look entirely Western and one still looks very Chinese too. Genetics are a fascinating mix and you really can't know how anyone will look.

Rude people may say that. Not the first question I would ask someone based on their looks...British people are not all blueyed and blond.

Family friends of ours, Japanese woman married a British (partly Cypriot) man with a traditional British surname. Their 4 sons are called a mixture of Japanese and Cypriot/Greek and look a bit like Anthony Quinn.

They were taught Japanese by their DM and she taught them Japanese culture too, as well as them learning British and Cypriot culture and bits of Greek.

I can’t see what’s wrong with you teaching your DC the language, keeping part of the names Chinese and following what you’d like to follow of the culture. It is part of their heritage.

It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, including your parents and family. Only you know how your childhood and parents bullying has affected you, and what you need to do to help yourself recover. If that means changing names and stopping contact then that’s fine.

i would consider keeping some Chinese traditions that you like and having conversations with your kids on that side of your heritage, and then be led by them on how much of that side of their heritage they wish to find out about

I can understand you wanting to give your children English names if the Chinese heritage has negative connotations for you. However, your children may value their heritage.

Would you consider using an English first name and Chinese middle name as a nod to their heritage?

I don't know how a typical Asian, or part-Asian, child thinks, but in my very personal British experience, the more you try to force a child down a route, the more they are likely to rebel.

It's very likely at some point they will want to explore their heritage and this is probably better done with your input than without.

So I would say British first name, Asian second name and talk about it to them. Explain why you don't live there anymore, what were the good aspects of the culture and what were the bad.

My DS was adopted and eventually he wanted to meet his birth family. It hasn't been plain sailing and I think part of him wishes he had not opened this can of worms. But as we had always been open and honest and talked about the whys and wherefores of his adoption and the family dynamics at the time of his adoption etc., he has talked to me about how he feels etc. On the surface, it's not comparable to your situation, but there are parallels.

Don't inadvertently make yourself unapproachable in the future if your kids want to find out more.

They may not but they may too. Nature can be really funny and I find that those who think this way often end up with kids who look the opposite of how they'd hope their kids would look. Hopefully you prepare yourself that either way, it wouldn't matter to you if they look more white or more Asian.

This is just ringing alarm bells for me but as I said, it's your life.

I find all these responses really intense - why on earth does the OP “need” to recognise her Chinese heritage in her name and her children’s names? the OP can name her children however she pleases. She doesn’t have a particular duty of care to her Chinese heritage. She is well within her rights to determine her own identity as an adult, and to raise her children in the culture she prefers. If this is part of her healing from an oppressive childhood, so much the better.It is a statement to her family that she will not allow herself to continue to be bullied as an adult with her own family. It is great that she will not repeat the pattern or allow her children to go through what she went through.

If her children wish to explore their Chinese family heritage then that will not be a difficult thing to do, and I doubt the OP will prevent them. If the OP doesn’t want to raise them in a bilingual home of course she doesn’t have to. If the kids wish to adopt a Chinese name when they reach adulthood they will be free to do so.

They might. DDs best friend is half Korean, half Welsh. You would have no idea to look at her that her mother is Welsh. And that's not just from a Welsh person's perspective,she gets a lot of similar comments when she goes back to Korea for visits.

A close friend of mine who lives in USA has 2 adopted Korean DDs. They grew up listening to Korean nursery rhymes and eating the odd bit of Korean food and were taken to South Korea once but they were never taught the language properly. Now they’re both young women in their 20s and I can’t help thinking my friend should’ve helped at least with the language side. But that was her and her DH’s decision to make.

Call yourself what you like - you are not the first nor will you be the last to change their name.

But JUST changing your name will not change who you are or who your family are. It also won’t impact what your children will look like, or the questions they will ask about their family history.

I really really hate the go to of many of this board for any slight issue to go straight to counselling, but in this instance I think I would suggest it. Come to terms with who you are, rather than trying to hide behind a different name.

Something that might be missing here is that there is a cultural difference.
For British people being British is about how you feel, and anyone can become British if they come here and live amongst the melting pot (unless you ask people on the far right)

In China it's more a question of combining genetics, loyalty, and everything else. It's not so much self defined, it's more a question of fact.
If you're born Chinese then you are always Chinese, if you are not born Chinese then you can never be Chinese. So if the OP is trying to hold their British identity primarily then that could cause tension with her parents.

In our case we went for one family name as their family name, and the other as a middle name. Neither of us changed our names on marriage. Then we have a bit of everything in there,!

Whatever you decide, try to let your children know about their other culture. It's common for culture to be hidden from children and it's not usually something that benefits the children.

I can't really comment about right/wrong as I have no personal experience of this but I have three friends who were born in China and they have lovely Chinese names. They are all married to British men and all their children have both English and Chinese names.