For getting rid of my chinese name

[TheLoyalWriter]

I moved to the UK from China with family as a teen and have lived there since. When I got married I changed my surname into my husband's and got rid of my Chinese name on my birth certificate and gave myself a middle name. It is mostly because my parents used our Chinese heritage as an excuse to bully and control me when I was younger. None of my kids will have a foreign name from my home country and will be raised British. AIBU? My family is very not pleased about it.

Do what you wish, but get some therapy to deal with your feelings towards your parents and then decide. If they bullied you, wasn't it because they are them, not because they are Chinese?

It can’t have been easy moving to an entirely different culture as a teenager and a time you were forming your own identity. It sounds like your parents were strict and that it created obstacles trying to fit in. It would be a huge change and incrediby difficult.

You’re not wrong for wanting to do what feels right for you on this journey navigating your identity and two cultures.

I don’t think you should have to feel obligated to embrace your heritage.

I am half Italian and although my Mother was born in Australia she speaks Italian and her parents came here in their 20’s 30’s.

In saying all of this, my Italian heritage is something I can either use or not use. I don’t have an Italian name, I have an Aussie accent and so forth.

There was racism here even in my Mother’s generation. I don’t know if there is racism now because I don’t obviously seem Italian.

I will also say that the Italians my age that move here don’t consider me or people like me as ‘real Italians’ and when my Mother goes to Italy, despite speaking the language she isn’t considered a ‘real Italian’ as the dialect has changed etc etc.

I guess my point is that you aren’t crazy for wanting to just embrace a new culture snd blend in with your daughters. People will tell you it’s important to hold onto heritage and culture and character building - usually people that have a positive experience or perceptions and don’t have your set of experiences or feelings.

I don’t think you should feel bad. Life is short, it’s your life and you’ve made sacrifices to settle and thrive in a new culture, and even have a family here maybe you just want to feel 100% part of it & it’s symbolic for you.

A name is important too there’s research hirers judge foreign names on resumes. Nobody would force you to wear a burka and show the world you’re Muslim if you wanted to dress in Boden instead & blend so why judge you for wanting an English name.

My aunt (by marriage) changed her name to a British name.

I felt a little sad when she did it, partly that she felt she needed to, partly because her original name was lovely and to me was part of who she was.

But then I realised it is her life and this was clearly something she wanted to do and I just felt glad she had the freedom to do it.

Live your life the way that you want to

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain said

Family friends of ours, Japanese woman married a British (partly Cypriot) man with a traditional British surname. Their 4 sons are called a mixture of Japanese and Cypriot/Greek and look a bit like Anthony Quinn.

Despite being famous for playing Zorba the Greek, Anthony Quinn was half Mexican and half Irish so I think that's an excellent example of how genetics can present in surprising ways.

If they bullied you, wasn't it because they are them, not because they are Chinese?

It could be both couldn't it?

Being Chinese was used as their excuse so kinda yes.....

What you call yourself is your choice , but you are making the choice for your children, to try to eliminate all their Chinese heritage . As they grow up, they might have their own feelings about what you have taken away from them.

There is nothing to stop you speaking Mandarin or Cantonese to your children when you are alone with them. That is what most bilingual couples do . Their English will be fluent anyway as their dad speak English and they will go to nursery / school here.

If you do this, you will give your children a great advantage in their education and career . you can always send them to Chinese Saturday school to improve their redwing and writing.

You are also giving them the means to explore their own cultural heritage, via their language. That’s opening up choices for them.

You can also give them a Chinese middle name , even if you chose it yourself and don’t ask your relatives to choose it.

I fear that you are taking away your children’s heritage to spite your own family, which isn’t right. You can’t alter your children’s biology or their history.

No a Chinese middle name is out of the question for me. I probably won't speak it to them but if they ever want to learn Cantonese I will be happy to teach them.

One of our half-Brit, half Chinese nieces looks rather more Chinese than her sister, or her brother, for that matter.

I disliked my father and changed my surname by deed poll to my mother's maiden name. My original surname was Cornish and nobody ever pronounced it correctly and I always had to spell it, so win-win.
If I'd had negative feelings for my mother as well I would have used the maiden name of one of my grandmothers.

How you live your life is up to you, ultimately, but I think it’s sad for your children that they won’t have any connection to their Chinese heritage via a name and a language.

I have mixed race children and I wouldn’t make these choices, no matter how bad my relationship was with my parents. It’s setting them up for identity issues later on.

@TheLoyalWriter

how lovely they will be bi lingual.

however, irrespective of all the other things, you are/would be doing your children a real disservice not speaking to then in Cantonese 'because the sounds needed to speak it are best learned as an infant, it's virtually imposing to form the sounds as an adult. Speaking Cantonese is a huge bonus in life and likely to be so even more in the future. Denying them this I think is very short sighted.

I don't speak Mandarin nor French fluently, my mother tongue is Cantonese.

People change their names for many complicated reasons.

My Chinese sister in law is known to everyone here by an anglicised version of her name because few can say it correctly.

My mother when she came to England used her family pet name for decades. Everyone knew her by that name. She was shrugging off her past too.

I think that's a shame. Your children are more likely to regret you not giving them the opportunity to speak Chinese than not giving them Chinese names.

There’s something valuable for brain and language development though about exposing your children to the language you learned first. It’s more important than speaking french to them, if French is a language you both learned in school.

Cantonese then.

The choice is completely yours, but if it were me I would give my children a Chinese middle name (preferably one that Westerners will be able to pronounce easily). I understand that you don’t want to bring them up as "Chinese" but like it or not it is half their DNA and heritage. If they don’t want to use the middle name when they are adults they can drop it, but they might be pleased to show their "individuality".

you were fast!!

I just edited my post to reflect that before I saw your post. Sorry.

Totally your life and your choice

I have a friend in the US who adopted a child from China, they've gone for visits and she's had lessons and stuff but she has no interest what so ever. She's an adult now and still no interest.

My OH is from another European culture and was made to go to language school after normal school for many years. He really resented it.

The idea that it's 'sad' and that you're 'denying' them something and that they'll have identity issues just isn't the case. The OP's kids are British, but if they want to learn Cantonese she has said she will teach them and I'm sure she'll answer any questions they have. She's allowing them to show an interest rather than forcing a name and language on them that they might well not want or be interested in.

I think you're right OP, they're British and you're leaving it up to them to show an interest in their heritage if they want.

I just saw your update and I think it would be a great loss for your children not to hear you talk & sing to them in your mother tongue. It’s a gift you could give them, which you would be withholding because of unresolved feelings about your past and your family. Talking Cantonese to your babies could be a beautiful way of reclaiming it for yourself and separating it from your parents’ bullying.

For the names, I think your plans are absolutely fine. They could always change their names in future if they feel strongly about that.

@M0rven a name isn't a whole heritage though. OP should do what makes her happy. The language thing for career is an advantage but not as much as some people seem to think and likely to become less so (sadly.)

You reflects a strong desire to create a new family narrative, but I don’t think what you’re doing is the answer.

Completely dismissing your heritage and family history can lead to a loss of cultural connection for both you and your children. Embracing elements of your background could enrich their lives, fostering a broader understanding of identity and diversity.

Your parents' past actions, while hurtful, don't represent your entire heritage. Rejecting your Chinese-ness entirely might perpetuate a cycle of disconnection rather than healing. Finding a balance where you honour your roots while creating your own path could be a more constructive approach.

Family dynamics are complex, and going low contact may help your peace of mind. But continuing to engage with your culture, even if it's in a way that's comfortable for you, could also help.

Do whatever works best for you. Nobody else’s opinion really matters does it.